Scene 1
A sign that reads "DISCLAIMER" fills the screen. It is pulled away to show BUFFINGTON standing in a nice living room.
BUFFINGTON: This is just the sort of thing that happens when the lower classes are given buying power.
Cut to the "Buffy" sign.
BUFFINGTON ANNOUNCER: It's Buffington Scuppernog Vesputible Armature Sebsycake "Buffy" George Richard Arthur "Rich Twit" Harrington Caleb Brain Sample Clarence Humperdink IV.
Cut to BUFFINGTON.
CALLER (off screen): Oh, Buffy.
BUFFINGTON (leaving): Coming, Deardrie.1
Scene 2
LAZY PERSON is stretched out on a couch. He is wearing a tacky shirt stuffed so he looks fat and jeans. On his lap is a bag of chips. The TV is on.
SOAP OPERA ANNOUNCER: Like grains of sand through the hourglass, such are the days of our lives.
Cut to shot of LAZY PERSON's view of the TV.
LAZY PERSON: Then why am I wasting my time watching this?
Cut to TV page lying beside LAZY PERSON's chair. LAZY PERSON's hand reaches down and picks up TV page. Camera follows hand up and focuses on the TV page's outside as LAZY PERSON opens and examines it. Cut to a shot of the inside of the page as LAZY PERSON would see it. Pan slowly down the 6:00-12:00 section with LAZY PERSON's finger.
LAZY PERSON (jabbing at TV page): Ah!
Cut to floor. TV page falls next to the can. Shot of TV clicker on LAZY PERSON's stomach. LAZY PERSON grabs the clicker. Camera follows the clicker as LAZY PERSON extends his arm and exaggeratedly hits the channel-changing button. Camera focuses on the TV to reveal the "The Young and the Brainless" sign on the production reel.
NBC ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Young and the Brainless.
Switch to actual filming.
Scene 3
Two people are standing facing each other. One is wearing a nice dress and the other is wearing a shirt with a collar and a tie. Close up of CHARLOTTE.
CHARLOTTE (overdramatically): Percival, there's something I have to tell you.
Close up reaction shot of PERCIVAL. He is frowning. Cut back to close up of CHARLOTTE.
CHARLOTTE (hesitantly): I'm--I'm having an affair.
Cut to close up of PERCIVAL. He looks relieved.
PERCIVAL (relieved and happy): Oh, I'm so glad. I was beginning to feel guilty because (pause) you're not my only wife.
Close up reaction shot of CHARLOTTE as she puts her hand up to her mouth. Dragnet music. Credits for the soap opera are shown to music (Dovark Slavonic Dances, track 1). Then the voice-over NBC ANNOUNCER speaks.
Scene 4
Shot of a starfield.
NBC ANNOUNCER: Don't miss this NBC Special Movie Presentation of the all-new Star Trek movie. Coming later tonight.
Cut to a long shot of the Enterprise flying across the screen. Star Trek music is playing. Cut to a shot of the Enterprise flying at the camera.
STAR TREK ANNOUNCER: In space, there's no one to hear you say...
The Enterprise flies into the camera. It backs up slowly as people grumble in the background.
KIRK (over the grumbles): D'oh!
NBC ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned.
Scene 5
Cut to a shot of a bottle of Tums against a background of stars.
TUMS ANNOUNCER: This Star Trek special is brought to you by Tums. No one can eat just one.
Scene 6
Shot of a box of Pop Tarts with the "Pop" part doctored so it reads "Pope".
POPE TARTS ANNOUNCER: Eat Pope Tarts: the official breakfast of the Vatican.
Shot of POPE eating a Pop Tart with the box sitting nearby.
POPE TART AD SINGERS: He's Pope-eye the Catholic man, he lives in the Vat-i-can. He's strong from the start 'cause he eats his Pope Tarts, he's Pope-eye the Catholic man.
After song, POPE picks up the Pop Tart box and smiles at the camera.
POPE TARTS ANNOUNCER: Pope Tarts: so good they're sinful--(POPE puts down his Pope Tart and looks at it.)--almost.2
Scene 7
Shot of the 60 Minutes clock.
NBC ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night...
60 Minutes intro taped from TV. At each name the shot changes to show a new, odd object (toaster, chicken, the bust of Apollo, you name it). It stops after the "all this and Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes."
NBC ANNOUNCER: 60 Minutes, it happens every hour.
Scene 8
Shot of ZIPLOC PERSON and KATIE. ZIPLOC PERSON is holding a Ziploc box.
ZIPLOC PERSON: This is Katie and she doesn't want to switch from her brand of zipper bag (KATIE nods) to our brand which has the blue and green seal so you know it's sealed.
Close up of a Ziploc bag which holds an armed nuclear warhead.
ZIPLOC PERSON: Now suppose we put you in a small room with an armed nuclear warhead sealed in either your brand of zipper bag, or our brand, Ziploc, which has the blue and green seal so you know it's closed?
KATIE (after thinking): I'll switch to Ziploc.
ZIPLOC PERSON: Good choice, Katie.
Scene 9
Shot of the NBC "peacock" logo fills the screen.
NBC ANNOUNCER: Don't miss an all-new episode of The House on Carol Lane.
Cut to BUTLER dusting some good-looking furniture. There is yelling from another room.
YELLING PERSON #1: How would you like Joyce to find out about this?
BUTLER (looking up from dusting to talk to the camera): A wise butler sees nothing, hears nothing, tells nothing and takes detailed notes for his book.
YELLING PERSON #2: Oh, yeah? How would you like Steve to find out about the newt incident?
BUTLER: Ah, a new chapter.
Scene 10
Shot of mystic-looking person sitting at a table in front of a bowl in a mystic darkish room.
PSYCHIC HOTLINE ANNOUNCER: Ever wonder about your future? Where will you be in ten years? Will you marry? Be happy? If so, call this number for the Psychic Hotline at ninety-five cents a minute and Madame Sayreeal (sounds kinda like "cereal") will tell your fortune.
Cut to MADAM SAYREEAL peering intently into her bowl. Shot of bowl looking down. It is filled with milk and about twenty Cheerios. She stirs them with a spoon.
MADAME SAYREEAL (mystic-sounding): I see...a tall dark stranger and Hawaii. Oh, you're lucky, my dear. Now I'm getting very strong "O" vibes. Yes. Very strong. You'll either move to Ohio or marry a man named Ormond.
A sign that reads "1-800-PSYCHIC" pops up.
PSYCHIC HOT LINEANNOUNCER: No gimmicks, this is the real thing. Call now.
Scene 11
Shot a an airplane flying.
AIRLINE ANNOUNCER: Park and fly, crash and die with Wing and A Prayer Air. You'll feel like you never left the ground because we treat you like dirt.
Scene 12
Shot of SIDNEY CARTON with hands tied in front of a guillotine. Beside him stands a FRENCH SOLDIER.
SIDNEY CARTON: It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.
FRENCH SOLDIER rolls eyes.
NY-QUILL ANNOUNCER: If you had trouble sleeping then you should have taken Ny-Quill.
Shot of a picture of a grave with snoring in the background. A box of Ny-Quill is sitting near the grave.
Scene 13
Shot of ARMY BRAT wearing Army clothes.
ARMY ANNOUNCER: Join the Army, travel to exciting, exotic lands, meet new, unique people and kill them.
Scene 14
Shot of a group of nicely dressed people sitting in a nice living room.
LADY: How about some cappuccino, everyone?3
Everyone nods with murmurs of assent and impressment as LADY smiles smugly. LADY leaves for kitchen.
GUEST #1 (hushed): Can you believe it? She has a cappuccino machine?
GUEST #2: (also hushed): Her husband's only a banker.
GUEST #3 (also hushed): I want one. Listen. I think I hear it.
GUEST #4: This is so exciting!
Cut to LADY as she opens a package and puts stuff in cups while making capuccino machine noises. Close up of box that says "Forger's Instant Cappuccino."
CAPUCCINO ANNOUNCER: Instant Cappuccino from Forgers, your snobby rich friends will never know the difference.
Cut back to the living room. The people are impressed. Cut to door. It is kicked in by men in trench coats and sunglasses who are carrying guns. They pin LADY against the wall. The guests are shocked. There are gasps of amazement. Shot of HEAD AGENT as he watches. SUBORDINATE scurries up to him.
SUBORDINATE: She's clean, sir.
HEAD AGENT (to SUBORDINATE): Good work. (HEAD AGENT walks over to LADY) You are under arrest for impersonating a cappuccino machine, an act made a federal offense by section three, paragraph twelve, subparagraph seven of Ordinance One Twenty-Two, pertaining to expensive beverages. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney.
LADY: Why would I want to have anything to do with a lawyer?
HEAD AGENT (shrugs, then turns to SUBORDINATE): You can take over from here. (to LADY) We've had our eyes on your operation for a long time. (to everyone in general) Take her away boys. (to LADY) You'll never work in this town again.
Scene 15
A sign that reads "NBC NEWS" fills the screen. Cut to ANCHOR #1 and ANCHOR #2 sitting in a newsroom. They are holding papers and trying hard to read them. There are hushed whispers. They look up, startled.
ANCHOR #1: Uh, er, this is the, uh, abbreviated NBC newscast. I'm Pat Brown and this is Pat Smith. We're Alive at Five--(ANCHOR #2 pokes ANCHOR #1 and points at watch)--except now it's seven.
NEWS ANNOUNCER: At eight we'll be decidedly unwell and at nine we will be admitted to the hospital. At ten we'll be on life support and at eleven we'll be dead. Our funerals will be held at twelve and...4
Scene 16
Cut to a shot of a hand writing a memo on a cluttered desk. In the background NEWS ANNOUNCER can be heard (at one the invitations will be sent out and at two the first consillarory flowers will be received...) The memo reads "Reminder to the Chief Executive in Charge of Staff: FIRE THE ANNOUNCER ASAP." Cut back to a shot of both ANCHOR#1 and ANCHOR #2.
Scene 17
ANCHOR #2: Anyway.
ANCHOR #1: Our first report comes from the Far East and deals with the soybean and rice trade war with China.
Cut to a shot of a map of China.
MAP PERSON: China.
Cut to a shot of a sign that reads "China."
MAP PERSON: China.
5Cut to the newsroom.
ANCHOR #1: For more on this exciting economic story, we talk you live to San Francisco--
Cut to a map of San Francisco.
MAP PERSON: San Francisco.
Cut to a sign that reads "San Francisco."
MAP PERSON: San Francisco.
Cut to the newsroom.
ANCHOR #1: --where our economics corespondent, Pat Blackman, (camera pans over so PAT BLACKMAN who is wearing geeky glasses can be seen: he nods to the camera, does a cheezy smile and waves) is going to interview a boring expert on Chinese economics.
PAT BLACKMAN: What is your impression of the Chinese trade war?
Scene 18
Cut to CHINESE EXPERT.
CHINESE EXPERT: The ramifications of this trade war lead me to contemplate past differences, specifically--
Cut back to the newsroom.
Scene 19
ANCHOR #1: That's enough of that, don't you think?
ANCHOR #1 and ANCHOR #2 look at each other and nod.
ANCHOR #2: Yes. Thanks, Pat, we loved your report.
ANCHOR #1 and ANCHOR #2 toss some papers aside. Shot of ANCHOR #2.
ANCHOR #2: Our next story is a little bit closer to home.
Cut to a shot of a picture of a house.
MAP PERSON: Home.
Cut to a sign that reads "HOME."
MAP PERSON: Home.
Cut to ANCHOR #2.
ANCHOR #2: Hundreds of protesters stormed down the streets of Washington DC today, blocking traffic and shouting loudly. Clearly these people were upset. But what's their beef? For that we go live to our corespondent in the field, Pat Jones.
Scene 20
Cut to a shot of PAT JONES lying in a field.
ANCHOR #2 (voice-over): Pat? Pat??
ANCHOR #1 and ANCHOR #2: Paaat!
PAT JONES wakes up and stands. She starts to walk around to the front of the house.
PAT JONES (into mic and to camera): Well, Pat, these people are standing up to the government and telling them that they think something's wrong. Their voices are being heard today as they echo down into history. Yes, free speech is one of the things that our founding fathers gave us and its one of the things that make this country a great one. But what are they protesting for? Simply put, Pat, they're protesting for war. These people feel that we, as a nation, haven't picked enough global fights lately and that to help perpetuate jingoism and that fighting American spirit, we need to go to war. Let's talk with some of these picketers.
The PICKETERS are chanting "War! War! War!" etc. All but one are holding anti-peace signs. ODD PICKETER is holding a "SARNOFF IS A KLINGON" sign.6 The PICKETERS accost him.
PICKETER LEADER: What is this stuff, man?
ODD PICKETER: Uh, it's sixties grass roots.
PICKETER LEADER: Yeah, well, this is nineties counterculture, not sixties grass roots. Get with the program, man. Here.
The other PICKETERS add their comments as PICKETER LEADER hands ODD PICKETER an anti-peace sign and all the protesters resume the chant.
PAT JONES walks over to PICKETER #1 who is holding a "war now" sign.
PAT JONES: Why are you out here today, ma'am?
PICKETER #1: Because war rocks, man. Like it's really cool and like we want some more of it because, like, we do, okay, man? Okay? You know, okay, man? Man?
PAT JONES (as she walks away): Moving right along. (brightening) Ah, ma'am, why are you out here today?
PICKETER #2: Well, like, peace is bad and so they shouldn't have it, and war is better. I think.
PAT JONES: Thank you, ma'am.
PAT JONES continues.
PAT JONES (to PICKETER #3): Hi there, and what--
PICKETER #3 (grabbing PAT JONES and shouting): WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!
PAT JONES disengages herself and continues.
PAT JONES (to PICKETER #4): Why are you here today?
PICKETER #4: Frankly, we're sick of waging peace. We want a war. A no-holds-barred real, live war. I'm talking strategy, generals, causes, casualties, the works. We want a war and frankly I don't think that's too much to ask.
PAT JONES: Thank you.
PAT JONES notices some people and heads off towards them.
PAT JONES (brightly): Let's see what these people are up to. (under her breath) Loonies. Why do I get all the whackos?
PAT JONES arrives at the group.
PAT JONES: You seem a bit different. What are you picketing for?
PICKETER #5: We're here to try and gather more supporters for our cause.
PAT JONES: And what might that be?
PICKETER #5 (rationally): We're trying to raise people's awareness to monstrous atrocities that are being committed daily. Few people even realize the greatness of their transgressions and fewer do anything about it. What we want the public to realize is--
PICKETER #6 pushes PICKETER #5 out of the way.
PICKETER #6: You people have got to stop eating plants! Every day millions of plants are cruelly killed and eaten and no one ever acknowledges that it's murder! Plants are people too! They have rights! How long can we just let their rights be trampled underfoot and shoved under the rug before the government takes action? We have no right to eat them. (grabs PAT JONES by the shirt) What about their freedom? (yanks out a head of lettuce and throws it in the air) Be free, my friend. FREEEE! (singing and pelting PAT JONES with lettuce) Borh free, as free as the wind blows... (throws hands up and revels for a moment, then recovers) And cotton--what about that? Did we ever ask the cotton plants if they wanted to be enslaved by humans and forced to clothe them? It's a violation of their inalienable rights--
PAT JONES (disengaging herself): Thank you.
PAT JONES walks a few paces and stops. She turns and starts talking to the camera.
PAT JONES: Let's go see some real fanatics.
PAT JONES arrives at a tree. HUNGER STRIKER #1, HUNGER STRIKER #2 and HUNGER STRIKER #3 are sitting near it. HUNGER STRIKER is lying face down and coughing.
PAT JONES (to HUNGER STRIKER #1 and HUNGER STRIKER #2): What are you doing here?
HUNGER STRIKER #1: We're on a hunger strike. We aren't going to eat anything until a war is started.
HUNGER STRIKER #2: Uh, yeah.
PAT JONES: Who would you like to go to war with?
HUNGER STRIKER #1: Guam.
HUNGER STRIKER #2: You moron, Guam is an American protectorate or something. We can't start a war with it.
HUNGER STRIKER: #1: Why not, man?
HUNGER STRIKER #2: Because, uh... (thinks) Oh, yeah, 'cause I want to have a war with Algeria.
HUNGER STRIKER #1: Why would anyone want a war with Algeria? That's stupid. It's in Africa or Greenland, or someplace. Guam's in Iowa so we'd save money if we had a war with it.
HUNGER STRIKER #2: Guam is not in Iowa, man. It's in Nebraska. Where'd you get a stupid idea like that, anyway?
HUNGER STRIKER #1: It's not stupid, stupid. Guam is so in Iowa. Omaha's in Nebraska.
HUNGER STRIKER #2: You're wrong. Guam's in Nebraska, Omaha's in Vermont and Des Moines is in Iowa.
HUNGER STRIKER #1: You're wrong. Guam's in Iowa, Omaha's in Nebraska, Vermont's in Switzerland and Des Moines is the name of one of the thirty thousand craters of the surface of the moon.
HUNGER STRIKER #2: No. Guam's in Nebraska, Omaha's in Vermont, Vermont's in New England, Des Moines is in Iowa, and Montreal is the name of a crater on the far side of the moon.
HUNGER STRIKER #1: Is not. Hey, (nudges HUNGER STRIKER #3) who's right, man?
HUNGER STRIKER #3: You're both wrong. Guam's in the Indo-Pacific Ocean, Omaha's in Normandy, Iowa's that crater on the far side of the moon, Nebraska is in New England, Switzerland is the mayor of Des Moines, Montreal is in Manitoba and Algeria's in Vermont.
PAT JONES: Let's move along, folks.
The next tree has someone chained to it. In the background HUNGER STRIKER #1, HUNGER STRIKER #2 and HUNGER STRIKER #3 are still arguing.
PAT JONES: What are you doing, ma'am?
TREE PICKETER: I've chained myself to a tree and I'm not leaving until they start a war. Stupid government. I bet they won't listen to us. They're supposed to be serving us, but do they ever listen? Nooo. We have to do stuff like this (holds up hands) to get them to even notice. Then they don't act. All we want is a war. No big deal. We elected them. They're our representatives, but do I see a war going on? Nooo. Just look at what state our government's in!
HUNGER STRIKER #1 (from a distance): Idaho.
HUNGER STRIKER #2: No, that's Parliament.
HUNGER STRIKER #1: What are you talking about? Parliament's in Cambodia and...
PAT JONES: And that's the story from Washington.
HUNGER STRIKER #1: Which is in Peru.
Scene 21
Cut back to the newsroom. ANCHOR #1 and ANCHOR #2 are looking at each other with worried, frightened looks on their faces. Cut to a close up of ANCHOR #1 who turns to face the camera.
ANCHOR #1: On the international scene, England--
Cut to a shot of a map of England.
MAP PERSON: England.
Cut to a sign that reads "England."
MAP PERSON: England.
Cut back to the newsroom.
ANCHOR #1: --has just issued a commemorative stamp of Jack the Ripper. The "Whitechapple" edition went on sale today. And now, the weather from Pat Chisolm7, our genial weather personality.
Scene 22
Cut to PAT CHISOLM who is standing in front of a map of the United States. Symbols like Mr. Sun and Mr. Rain are taped on the map.
PAT CHISOLM: Here is a national weather map. You can see it's a weather map because it has weather symbols on it. Here is the extended forecast. (he grabs some weather symbols) Mr. Sun is having a pleasant day when suddenly he is jumped by Mr. Cloudy and Mr. Cloudy grabs him and he throws him down to Texas and Mr. Cloudy takes over South Dakota until Mr. Sleet comes and...
Scene 23
Cut to the newsroom in the middle of PAT CHISOLM's rampage. Close up of ANCHOR #1.
ANCHOR #1: And in other news, Pat Chisolm is dreamy. (a sign pops up that says "IN JOKE DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT") Now to Pat.
Cut to ANCHOR #2.
ANCHOR #2: And now a quick Winter Olympics Day five Update. Bob Day won the bobsled jump for England, Paul and Gertrude Oogleheinenwesinoffernberg won the cross-country ski dancing competition, the downhill ice skating was won by American Butch "Fifi" Wegner, the ski dancing was won by the Russian team of Joseph Stalin and Mihakel Gorbachav, the four man bobsled ice dancing was won by the second German team and the pairs ski solomon was won by the Canadian team of Joy and John Hick. And now for a commercial break.
Scene 24
Shot three sitting people.
TALK SHOW ANNOUNCER: On the next Opera Windbag: people who think trees are Communists.
TALK SHOW GUEST #1: Kill, kill, kill! Kill them all! Make them pay for infiltrating our government and killing Kennedy...selling Iraq weapons...death to all trees! Kill!
The other guests lean away.
TALK SHOW ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow at five on NBC.
Scene 25
Shot of a serene forest.
PBS ANNOUNCER: See what you're missing on Public Television.
Cut to a PBS HOST sitting in front of a computer, typing. PBS HOST #1 looks up and faces the camera.
PBS HOST #1: See what goes on inside a voting machine next week on The Cutting Edge.
Cut to a shot looking down on the printer as it prints "Eeny Meeny Miney Mo."
Scene 26
PBS HOST #2 (sitting on a stool reading from a book): Here we go, children. This is the story of the Tortilla and the Hair. Once upon a time there was a Hair. It lived on the head of a Mexican waitress. One day it lost its grip and fell onto a tortilla that the waitress was serving. The hungry customer ate it and the tortilla. And that's the story of the Tortilla and the Hair.
Scene 27
PBS HOST #3 (as camera shows a picture of a Civil War army): The infantry's brilliant charge was negated by the soldiers' failure to navigate the stone wall. There were many casualties and even more needed reconstructive surgery. Meanwhile (shift to picture of Atlanta burning) setting fire to Atlanta forced many Confederate troops to toast vast quantities of marshmallows, seriously depleting their winter stores.
Scene 28
Close up shot the carpet. Slowly pan up to a nicely dressed person, a dead chicken, and some tupperware lids sitting chairs arranged in a semi-circle.
CARPET LINT ANNOUNCER: On the next Talk About It, carpet lint: does it have intelligence?
CARPET LINT HOST (in an intelligent, calm voice): Here to argue that it does are some various round, flat objects and here to argue the opposite is a dead chicken.
CARPET LINT ANNOUNCER: Check your local listings for time and channel.
Scene 29
Shot of KIDS playing basketball.
COACHING VIDEO ANNOUNCER: Do you need some tips on coaching your child's team? Then call this number (1-800-24 COACH sign pops up for a few seconds) for your very own coaching tips video. You'll get helpful tips from pros like this one.
VIDEO EXPERT walks in front of camera.
VIDEO EXPERT: Our main goal is to score more points than our opponents do. I've found that this virtually rules out any chance they've got of winning.
COACHING VIDEO ANNOUNCER: Order now!
Scene 30
Shot of poster that reads "The Falling Rain."
NBC ANNOUNCER: Don't miss the network premiere of The Falling Rain.
Cut to a woods. SHOT PERSON points a gun at SHOOTER.
SHOT PERSON (brandishing a fake-looking gun): Stop right there!
SHOOTER: Ha! You think I'm scared of you?
SHOT PERSON: Well I was kinda hoping...
SHOOTER: I know that gun's fake. (pulling out a real-looking gun) But this one isn't!
SHOOTER points his gun at CORN PERSON and fires. SHOT PERSON is hit and falls down. CORN PERSON kneels beside SHOT PERSON.
CORN PERSON: When I think back about the good times we've had, there'll be a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat. No, wait. (clears throat) That's corn.
Cut to "The Falling Rain" sign.
NBC ANNOUNCER: This Sunday night.
Scene 31
NBC ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night on Star Trek: The Next Generation...
The Enterprise flies across the screen. Cut to the interior of the Enterprise.8 PICARD is standing in front of a replicatior.
PICARD: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
RANDOM CREW MEMBER (walking past): Talk about misplaced modifiers.
Scene 32
PICARD walks onto the bridge. The ship suddenly shakes.
DATA: Captain, I'm reading a power fluxuation in the warp core.
PICARD (to WORF): Get me Geordi in Engineering.
WORF: Aye, sir. (pause during which the ship shakes again) I have something from Engineering, Captain.
PICARD: Put it on.
WORF: Aye, sir.
The Reading Rainbow theme song comes on.9 PICARD looks around, confused.
PICARD (to WORF): What is that?
WORF: I believe that's his day job, sir.
PICARD (hits button on the arm of his chair): Geordi, this is Captain Picard. Can you hear me?
Cut to a shot of GEORDI with the warp core in the background.
GEORDI: Yeah, now I can. I just got back.
Cut to PICARD.
PICARD: I know. Can you stabilize the fluxuation?
Cut to GEORDI.
GEORDI: I'll get on it.
Cut to DATA.
DATA: Readings are returning to normal, sir.
Cut to PICARD.
PICARD: Is everything under control down there?
GEORDI: Yeah, but you don't have to take my word for it.
PICARD: Good job.
Cut to GEORDI.
GEORDI: Thanks, Captain. I'll see you next time.
Cut to a shot of the Star Trek: The Next Generation title.
NBC ANNOUNCER: Don't miss it!
Scene 33
Shot of ANCHOR #2.
ANCHOR #2: And now for some culture.
ANCHOR #1: A perfectly preserved da Vinci was found floating in the North Atlantic by the passenger ship the Eugene. Another work of art from the late Renaissance, this one Venetian painted by Giorgione, was found in a rice patty in southern China. It was also in, quote, perfect condition.
Cut to a shot of some art.
ANCHOR #1 (off-screen): This completes the set of four paintings which was part of Barron VonSmitherstrewdle's collection from 1564 to 1576. The set has not been complete for nearly five hundred years. The other two paintings were found in a drainage ditch south of Birmingham in England.
Cut back to newsroom.
ANCHOR #1: In local news, a masked gunman made his way to the supermarket on the corner of Twelveth and Main. He held up several cashiers and demanded that they give him figgy pudding and said repeatedly that he wouldn't go until he got some. The situation was finally resolved short of violence when the manager of the store called a local catering service and had some delivered.
Cut to ANCHOR #2.
ANCHOR #2: Thank you.
ANCHOR #1: You're welcome. And now we have our weekly interview that one of the newsroom staff conducts with a person on the treet. This exclusive feature allows us to see just what the general public thinks of current events and issues. This week was Pat's turn.
Scene 34
Cut to a shot of a street. PAT WALKER is holding a mic and standing to one side. PATTY JOHNSON walks by. PAT WALKER stops her.
PAT WALKER: Excuse me, ma'am. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
PATTY JOHNSON: Oh no, not at all.
PAT WALKER: What's you name, ma'am?
PATTY JOHNSON: Patty Johnson.
PAT WALKER: And how do you feel about Congress's recent vote on the health care issue?
PATTY JOHNSON: Excuse me, but my political views are not for the public to see. Frankly, it's none of your business.
PAT WALKER: Well, uh, how, then, what do you think about abortion?
PATTY JOHNSON: It's not right that I should be asked to air my deep personal convictions for your audience's entertainment.
PAT WALKER: Then, could you tell us if you support American intervention in Croatia?
PATTY JOHNSON: You can hardly expect me to answer that. You're exploiting my beliefs for your monetary benefit. I find that repellant.
PAT WALKER: Uh, how do you feel about the many recent scandals involving the cleanliness of chicken packing factories? What do you think should be done? Do you as a consumer feel betrayed?
PATTY JOHNSON: How dare you! What an arrogant assumption! You have the gall to suggest that I would even consider eating meat. How nauseating.
PAT WALKER (desperate): Then what do you think of the weather we've been having lately?
PATTY JOHNSON: Now you're insulting my intelligence. Your viewers don't need to have the lesser intellects pandered to. It's demeaning. If you can't ask pertinent questions, please leave.
PAT WALKER: Uh...thank you, Miss Johnson. Let's go back to Pat. I'm Pat Walker for Alive at Five, but now it's quarter 'till four.
Scene 35
ANCHOR #2: And now we have a special insider's report on the allegations that the local police are using magic to stop crime. For that, we go live to our field corespondent, Pat Jones. Pat?
Scene 36
Cut to a shot of PAT JONES and PATTERSON from the side as they face each other.
PAT JONES (to camera): Thanks, Pat. (to MR. PATTERSON) Now, Mr. Patterson, as the chief of police, do you deny the allegations that the police force is using magic to control crime?
PATTERSON: Of course I deny it. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life.
PAT JONES: That's all we have time for. Thank you, Mr. Patterson.
PATTERSON: No problem. It's always good to set the record straight. Good-bye.
PATTERSON disappears. Close up of PAT JONES. She blinks and is startled. Cut back to the newsroom.
Scene 37
ANCHOR #1: We now have a brief segment on the annual Golden Apple Teacher Awards. Last year Mrs. Brisson from Naples High School won. This year Mr. O'Patt won. The ceremony was very nice and everyone interviewed enjoyed themselves, except for one disillusioned teacher, Mr. P. Seibert. Apparently he felt that he had previously won an award that supersceeded the Golden Apple Award and wanted recognition. We invited him to come to our studio so he could tell his side of the story. Here he is.
Cut to MR. P. SEIBERT.
MR. P. SEIBERT: What happened to my Teacher of the Moment Award? I protest the Golden Apple Award because it places too much responsibility on one person and makes my award seem trivial. And furthermore--
Cut to ANCHOR #1.
ANCHOR #2: And in other news, our brains have been stolen by aliens which can currently be seen on your favourite talk show.
Cut to ANCHOR #1.
ANCHOR #1: Tune in to Alive at Five tomorrow for a special segment on snail kissers. Just what are they all about?
Cut to SNAIL KISSERS.
SNAIL KISSER #1: Snails just want a little love. It's the least we can do for them!
Cut to the news room.
ANCHOR #1: Stay tuned for the upcoming NBC, Star Trek movie special.
Scene 38
ANCHOR #1: And that's our news, such as it is. Thank you for watching. I'm Pat Brown.
ANCHOR #2: And I'm Pat Smith. Tune in tomorrow for Alive at Five (consulting watch), but now it's quarter till eight.
ANCHOR #1 and ANCHOR #2: Goodnight, everyone.
NEWS ANNOUNCER: This has been Alive at Five. At eight we'll be sleeping and at nine we'll not be feeling very well at all, at ten--
Gunshot. The credits run. Everyone's first name is Pat.
1Buffington (and the rest of this routine) tend to show up at the begnning of our movies with a "this is just the sort of thing that happens" statement about the "lower classes."
2The Pope is also a recurring character.
3When this scene was filmed, extra dialogue was ad-libbed (as tends to happen). The added dialogue, which made this scene one of the more memorable parts of Alive at Five III is as folows:
GUEST #1: And I hear she has a dead chicken...
LADY: Where does she keep it?
GUEST #1: In a fish bowl on the end of her bed. It has a little pink colar with a name tag on it.
GUEST #2: What do you name a dead chicken?
GUEST #1: Fido.
4The annoying Alive at Five Announcer is a recurring "character" and can be heard in each news show.
5This repitious little gimick also is a recurring GDI theme, which was started in the first new and is also found in other GDI movies, specifically the GDI Guide to the Classics.
6When the original Star Trek series was threatened with cancellation in the 1960's, fans held protests outside NBC offices and studios. Claire and Lindsay saw a picture of one of the protests in which someone was holding a "Sarnoff is a Klingon" sign. Sarnoff was an NBC executive at the time, but more importantly it's just a strange thing to say. It became yet another in-joke, so naturallly we had to incorporate it into one of our movies.
7Tom Chisolm is an actual local weatherman here in southwest Florida. The Tom Chisolm joke thing got started when, after hearing an add for Tom Chisolm's weather reports, Keith said (and this is a quote), "Tom Chisolm is dreamy."
8All of the Star Trek: The Next Generation scenes were achieved with the use of action figures and a cardboard box, made up to be the bridge. It was...interesting.