Scene 1: Fade in. BUFFINGTON is standing in front of a bookshelf.1
BUFFINGTON: This is just the sort of thing that happens when the lower classes are taught to read.
(Hard cut to main titles with music. Cut back to BUFFINGTON who has become bored during the titles.)
CALLER: Oh, Buffington!
BUFFINGTON (putting on hat and walking off): Coming, Deirdrie.
(Cut to the poster of BUFFINGTON’s name.)
CALLER: It’s . . . (etc.).
Scene 2: Masterpiece theater setting and music. ALASTAIR COOKIE turns to face the camera from his comfy chair . . .
ALASTAIR COOKIE: Good evening and welcome to another edition of Mastercheese Theatre. Tonight we have an assortment of some of the best-loved literary classics all re-performed for your viewing enjoyment. Now we take you to London--
(Cut to a shot of a titles that says "LONDON.")
ANNOUNCER: London.
(Cut to a picture of London.
ANNOUNCER: London.
(Cut back to ALASTAIR COOKIE.)
ALASTAIR COOKIE: --for the dramatic climax of Jekyll and Hyde. The good scientist, Dr. Henry Jekyll (cut to a shot of JEKYLL, an upstanding-looking gentleman with a kind expression) has been conducting medical research (follow JEKYLL as he steps over to a table filled with lab stuff) in the attempt to separate the dual elements of good and evil that exist in every human being (JEKYLL indicates a diagram of a circle, half black and labeled "EVIL" and half white and labeled "GOOD"). Quack. Jekyll needs a person on whom to test his theories (JEKYLL looks around). But the conservative Board of Governors (cut to a shot of several dour old men in wigs and dark clothing) all vote dismiss his proposal (the dour men give the "thumbs down" motion emphatically) with the exception of Sir Danvers Carew (cut to a shot of a man wearing some goofy clothes and a large smiley face button), Jekyll’s future father-in-law, who abstains from voting (SIR DANVERS shrugs theatrically). Sir Danvers’s daughter, Emma (cut to EMMA who smiles nicely) tries to talk Jekyll, her husband-to-be, out of continuing his research (EMMA walks over to JEKYLL and pleads with him) but Jekyll is determined (JEKYLL silences EMMA with a wave and walks back to his lab stuff) to go on, even if he is the subject of the experiment. Jekyll goes through with his experiment (JEKYLL drinks from a soda bottle, chugging it) and is transformed into the most depraved human being imaginable, a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman (JEKYLL grabs a vacuum cleaner from off camera and runs off), and takes on a new name: Edward Hyde. Hyde (cut to HYDE wandering about the streets with a vacuum cleaner and dressed in salesman-style clothes) goes on a terrible rampage (HYDE knocks on people’s doors, runs over their feet with the vacuum and does other cruel acts), threatening people with his wares and eventually badgering the members of the Board of Governors into buying vacuums (HYDE sits in a living room, demonstrating his wares, while two stricken members of the Board of Governors look on in helpless horror). What follows is a reign of terror, death, blood and signed sales agreements (cuts of these various items). Slowly Jekyll realizes what is happening to him and that he is a threat to decent society (JEKYLL sits alone, recording the results in his journal). Jekyll and Hyde battle for control (JEKYLL/HYDE alternately picks up the vacuum cleaner and throws it away) until we reach the climax of the story at the wedding of Jekyll and Emma . . .
Scene 3: EMMA and JEKYLL are about to get married. SIR DANVERS is there, as are the POPE2 and some other people. HYDE gets the better of JEKYLL.
POPE: Do you, Henry Jekyll--
HYDE (shouting): There is no Henry Jekyll! Only Edward Hyde! And I sell vacuum cleaners door-to-door!
(EMMA tries to calm him. The others recoil in horror.)
EMMA: Oh, Henry, please. I--
HYDE: Shut up! Or I’ll sell you an attachment! How about some extra-capacity sweeper bags?
(HYDE holds up a vacuum cleaner accessory.)
JEKYLL (pleading to his BEST MAN): Put me out of my misery. (JEKYLL holds out part of a vacuum cleaner.) Please.
WEDDING GUEST #1: I can’t . . .
(JEKYLL turns to the others.)
SIR DANVERS: I’d have to consult with my lawyer first.
WEDDING GUEST #2: I just had a manicure.
JEKYLL: Then I will!
(JEKYLL does the deed himself via vacuum cleaner, eventually lying dead on the floor. The guests all look at each other, shrug and wander off.)
POPE: So does this mean I don’t get my fee?
Scene 4: A newsroom.
ANCHORPERSON: And that’s the way it is. Thank you, Robert Louis Stevenson for that report. We’d like to remind our viewers at home that no vacuum cleaners were injured in the making of that segment. And now back to Alastair.
Scene 5: ALASTAIR COOKIE’s setting.
ALASTAIR COOKIE: And now for something in a lighter vein from Nathaniel Hawthorne, the timeless classic of passion, pain and Puritans.
(Cut to a shot of a title that reads "PURITANS.")
ANNOUNCER: Puritans.
(Cut to a picture of some Puritans.)
ANNOUNCER: Puritans.
(Cut back to the "PURITANS" title.)
ANNOUNCER: Puritans.
Scene 6: "The Scarlet J" titles run. A pan of a roadway with a clearly marked crosswalk. Some romantic music plays. A shot of HESTER PRYNNE running towards the camera in slow-motion. Cut to REVEREND ARTHUR DIMMESDALE running towards the camera in slow-motion. Cut to a different angle and the two meet, clasp hands and primly, with just a little apprehension betrayed by their glances left and right, jaywalk across the street. From behind a tree or pillar or something JAVERT pokes his head out. DIMMESDALE sees the movement. Wide shot as he hides his face and turns and runs away.
HESTER: Arthur! Where are you going?
JAVERT (apprehending HESTER): You are under arrest for jaywalking.
HESTER (indignant): You’re not in this story! Where did you come from?
JAVERT: I’m from a Victor Hugo novel. (Holds up Les Miserables.) Your constable is out sick. I’m filling in for him.
(JAVERT takes her away. Two PURITANS look on.)
PURITAN #1 (derisive): Jaywalker.
PURITAN #2: There goes the neighborhood.
Scene 7: A courtroom. Wide shot. A JUDGE is presiding while HESTER and her attorney, JOHNNY "ZEFRAM" COCHRANE, are sitting at one table and the attorney for the prosection, CHEKOV3 the stand-me-up poster person is sitting at the other table. He is wearing a dark coat to convey the fact that he is a lawyer. JAVERT is in the whiteness stand. A shot of the JURY, which is made up of previous GDI characters and a pink plastic lawn flamingo. Cut to a different angle. CHEKOV stands and takes the floor.
CHEKOV: Inspector (phonetically) Javert, you are an officer with the French police force, filling in for our constable, is that correct?
JAVERT: Do you realize, You Honor, that the representative for the prosecution is cardboard? And that a tacky lawn ornament is sitting on your ju--
JUDGE (annoyed, to JAVERT): Shut up and answer the question.
JAVERT (to CHEKOV): Yes.
CHEKOV: On the date in question you arrested a young woman jaywalking at the corner of Fifth and Main, did you not?
JAVERT: I did.
CHEKOV: And could you identify her for the court?
JAVERT (pointing): The defendant.
(CHEKOV sits.)
JUDGE: Your witeness, Mr. Cochrane.
COCHRANE (holding up the book, The Scarlet Letter): You Honor, I move to have the whiteness’s testimony dismissed on the grounds that he is not a character in this book.
JUDGE: Denied.
COCHRANE: I have no questions, for this whiteness, Your Honor.
(JAVERT leaves.)
CHEKOV (standing): Your honor, I rest my case.
COCHRANE: I call Puritan #1 to the stand.
BAILIFF (holding the Bible): Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you gosh?
PURITAN #1: I do.
COCHRANE: Did you or did you not find a bloody glove at the scene of the alleged crime?
PURITAN #1: Uh, actually, no.
COCHRANE: Yes you did.
PURITAN #1: Uh . . .
COCHRANE (holding up a glove): And is this that glove?
PURITAN #1: I said before--
COCHRANE: Your honor I ask that the defendant be allowed to try on the glove. (The JUDGE is asleep.) I’ll take that as a yes. (The glove does not fit HESTER. COCHRANE turns to the jury.) If the glove does not fit you must acquit!
(The JURY is not impressed. The JUDGE wakes up and, surveying the situation over the rims of reading glasses, bangs the gavel.)
JUDGE: This is too silly. You (to COCHRANE), go away. (Looking at CHEKOV) And where did you come from? I don’t allow cardboard characters in my court. (Bangs gavel.) In the interest of the advancement of the plot, I sentence Hester Prynne to stand on a scaffold for public viewing for three hours and to wear a scarlet "J" on the front of her dress from now on, in order to remind other citizens of the terrible crime she has committed.
HESTER (standing): I was only jaywalking!
JUDGE: That’s what they all say. (Bangs gavel and speaks to the BAILIFF.) Carry out the sentence. (To HESTER.) You’ll never work in this town again.
Scene 8: A scaffolding in the town square. HESTER is standing on the scaffolding, wearing her J. Some PURITANS are watching her. CHILLINGWORTH approaches the scaffolding.
CHILLINGWORTH (to camera): Egads! That’s my wife whom I married back in Europe and whom I’ve been separated from for years! But don’t tell anyone! (To PURITAN #1.) What’d she do?
PURITAN #1: Why, she was caught jaywalking.
CHILLINGWORTH: Egads! Jaywalking! Did she do it alone?
PURITAN #3: No, there are rumors that there was someone else but he ran off.
CHILLINGWORTH: Egads! A partner in her sin! I will find him and make him pay!
PURITAN #4: Why?
CILLINGWORTH: Because I have a twisted little mind. Egads, why else?
GUARD (to HESTER): All right. Your time is up.
(HESTER descends the scaffold and CHILLINGWORTH comes over.)
CHILLINGWORTH: Egads! Hester!
HESTER: Ew! Roger! It’s you! Why won’t you leave me alone?
CHILLINGWORTH: Because I’m not a nice person! Now, will you tell me who you were jaywalking with?
HESTER: No.
CHILLINGWORTH: Egads! Why?
HESTER: I don’t want to.
CHILLINGWORTH: Please? (HESTER starts to leave.) Egads! Why are you leaving?
HESTER (stopping): I am disgraced. I’m going to go sew stuff.
CHILLINGWORTH (at HESTER’s feet): Pleeease tell me. Egads, I only want to torture his conscience.
HESTER: And that is why I won’t tell you.
(HESTER leaves and CHILLINGWORTH snaps his fingers to communicate the thought, "darn!")
CHILLINGWORTH (looking about and talking to himself): Now, who could it be?
DIMMESDALE (walking past CHILLINGWORTH): Oh, the guilt, the guilt! That she should bear her punishment alone! And yet I cannot bring myself to admit my part in the sin!
CHILLINGWORTH (to the camera): Egads! I bet he’s the one! (Grabbing DIMMESDALE.) You did it! You jaywalked with Hester, didn’t you? (DIMMSDALE nods.) A reverend jaywalking! Egads!
DIMMESDALE: Oh, the torment of my soul!
(CHILLINGWORTH cackles evilly.)
CHILLINGWORTH: Egads, this is fun.
DIMMESDALE: Oh, my soul.
(The camera pulls back and pans to the PURITANS.)
PURITAN #3: And then what happens?
PURITAN #1: Well, to make a long story short, Dimmesdale dies--
(DIMMESDALE keels over.)
PURITAN #2: --and Chillingworth dies--
(CHILLINGWORTH keels over.)
PURITAN #4: --and Hester dies!
(HESTER keels over.)
PURITAN #3: That’s it?!
PURITAN #2: Aisde from psychological nuance, ‘fraid so.
PURITAN #4: Just be glad you didn’t have to read the book.
(A FIELD REPORTER walks in front of the camera, holding a microphone.)
FIELD REPORTER: And that’s the story from New England . . .
(Cut to a title that reads "NEW ENGLAND.")
ANNOUNCER: New England.
(Cut to a map.)
ANNOUNCER: New England.
(Cut back to the "NEW ENGLAND" title.)
ANNOUNCER: New England.
Scene 9: ALASTAIR COOKIE’s setting.
ALASTAIR COOKIE: We are now proud to present you with a highlight from one of the greatest plays ever written, Hamlet.
Scene 10: A graveyard. HAMLET and the CREW4 argue.
HAMLET: There is no way I am touching that skull.
DIRECTOR: We can’t do the scene unless you do.
HAMLET: I’ll get germs.
MAKEUP PERSON: No you won’t. It’s clean.
HAMLET: It smells.
SCRIP COORDINATOR: You have to hold it. It’s in the script.
HAMLET: No way. That used to belong to someone.
CAMERAMAN: No it didn’t. It’s fake.
BOOM: Imagine what the sword fighting scene will be like.
HAMLET (mortal terror): Swords?!
BOOM: What’d I say?
HAMLET: I could put my eye out! (Cut back to ALASTAIRE COOKIE.)
ALASTAIR COOKIE: Ah, well, maybe that particular scene isn’t ready just yet. Instead, we’ll visit the work of Charles Dickens.
(Cut to a shot of a title that reads "DICKENS.")
ANNOUNCER: Dickens.
(Cut to a picture of Dickens.)
ANNOUNCER: Dickens.
Scene 12: SYDNEY CARTON and a FRENCH GUARD.
SYDNEY CARTON: It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done; it is a far better--oh confound it! Who am I kidding? I didn’t want to be a Dickens character . . . I wanted to be . . . an action hero!
(SYDNEY CARTON snatches up an Indiana Jones-style hat, puts it on and stomps off as Indiana Jones music starts to play.)
Scene 13: A woods. Indiana Jones music is playing and SYDNEY "SOUTH DAKOTA SMITH" CARTON, wielding a whip, is fighting a KLINGON.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, it’s the adventures of South Dakota Smith!
(DAKOTA poses after knocking all the attackers senseless. The DIRECTOR stomps on.)
DIRECTOR: What is this? What do you think you’re doing? Classic films aren’t on for another week! (The DIRECTOR herds everyone away.) Go and get ready for the boat segment.
(Cut to a title that reads "TITANIC WITH A CANOE.")
VOICE #1: That’s not a classic!
VOICE #2: Just play along.
Scene 14: The ocean. LEONARDO DICAPPRIO and KATE WINSLET are on the ill-fated canoe/luxury liner Titanic. It is sinking and LEONARDO and KATE WINSLET are in the stern. Dramatic music.
LEONARDO: Rose, we have to jump!
KATE: But, Jack--
(The drama is interrupted by the shrill cries of LEO GROUPIES.)
GROUPIES: Look! (Cut to the GROUPIES.) Leonardo DiCapprio!
GROUPIE #1: Look how cute he is when he’s doomed!
(The GROUPIES charge LEONARDO and KATE.)
KATE: Groupies!
LEONARDO: Run for your life!
(LEONARDO and KATE leap from the canoe, which was just sitting in the sand, and flee. Once everyone is gone BUFFINGTON comes on.)
BUFFINGTON: This is just the sort of thing that happens when the lower classes are allowed to have groupies.
VOICE OFF-CAMERA: Hey you! Instead of standing around and complaining all the time, give us a hand, hold up that sign.
(BUFFY holds up the sign, which says "THE SCARLET PUMPERNICKEL." The sign fills the screen. Pan from the sign to reveal that the scene has changed.)5
Scene 15: PERCY is hurrying somewhere. CHAUVELIN cuts him off.
CHAUVELIN: You’ll never save aristocrats from the guillotine in this town again!
PERCY: Chevron!
CHAUVELIN: Chauvelin! It’s French, dammit!
(Swords are drawn and crossed.)
PERCY: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.6
(There is momentary confusion on the part of CHAUVELIN, but not for long. More fighting. PERCY is backed up against a wall.)
CHAUVELIN: Why are you smiling? I’m about to run you through.
PERCY: Because I know something you don’t know.
CHAUVELIN: What?
PERCY: This is not my usual sword.
(PERCY pulls out bread. It is scarlet.)
CHAUVELIN: The Scarlet Pumpernickel! (CHAUVELIN produces some bread of his own.) Two can play this game.
(More fighting ensues. The JUDGE walks on.)
JUDGE: Stoppit, stoppit. This may be supposed to be a parody, but this here is just too silly. And you’re confusing The Scarlet Pimpernel with The Princess Bride. Go on, do something else, something like--
(Cut to a title that reads "THE HOUND OF THE BASKETBALLS." A wolf howls and there is scary music. Cut back to the JUDGE.)
JUDGE: Now that’s more like it.
Scene 16: The interior of 221B Baker Street. HOLMES and WATSON are sitting in their respective chairs. HOLMES is smoking his bubble pipe and WATSON is doing a crossword.
WATSON: What’s a four-letter Hormel Foods product? (Before a reply can be given, the doorbell rings.) What was that?
HOLMES: It sounded like a doorbell.
WATSON: But doorbells haven’t been invented yet.
HOLMES: Exactly! (Shouting at door.) This is the nineteenth century. We don’t have doorbells yet. You’ll have to knock. (There is a knock.) Come in!
(The door opens and DR. JAMES MORTIMER enters, looking from HOLMES to WATSON, trying to decide which is which. He is carrying a black medical bag.)
MORTIMER (to WATSON): My name is James Mortimer. Mr. Holmes, there is a most pressing matter in which I desperately need your assistance!
WATSON (quickly): And you shall have it. This is my good friend, Dr. Wa--
HOLMES: Watson! You know I hate it when you do that! (To MORTIMER.) I am Sherlock Homes, Doctor.
MORTIMER: But how did you know I was a doctor?
HOLMES: Well, I can see part of your malpractice insurance policy sticking out of your jacket pocket. And I read ahead in the script.
MORTIMER (sitting): Then you’ll already know that I am here about the strange death of my friend, Sir Charles Baskerville.
HOLMES: Yes.
WATSON: But how did he die?
(HOLMES settles in to listen and bubbles his pipe.)
MORTIMER: Well, one night Sir Charles was in his garden at his country estate when something terrified him so that he took to his heels and fled down the path. Apparently his heart gave out.
HOLMES: Would you like a cappuccino, Dr. Mortimer?
MORTIMER: Why, yes. (HOLMES leaves and MORTIMER turns to WATSON.) He has a cappuccino machine?
(WATSON nods with satisfaction as the sounds of a cappuccino machine ensue. Cut to HOLMES in the kitchen, impersonating a cappuccino machine and mixing up some Forger’s Instant Cappuccino.)
HOLMES (to the camera): Forger’s Instant Cappuccino. Your snobby rich clients will never know the difference.7
(HOLMES returns with cups for everyone.)
WATSON (to MORTIMER): But what is so urgent about your problem? The man’s got going to get any deader!
MORTIMER (he doesn’t like the instant cappuccino): Well, Sir Charles’s heir is coming in from Canada to inherit Baskerville Hall and its lands. I am concerned for his safety.
HOLMES (bubbling on his pipe): Why?
MORTIMER: Well, there’s an old story about a terrible beast that kills Baskervilles, so I examined the ground near Sir Charles’s body and I found some traces a little distance away from the body.
HOLMES (removing his pipe from his mouth): Footprints?
WATSON: Footprints?
MORTIMER: Footprints.
CREW: Footprints!
HOLMES: A man’s or a woman’s?
MORTIMER (leans forward and speaks dramatically): Mr. Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic hound!
HOLMES: I’m afraid this is going to have to stop, Dr. Mortimer. It’s becoming entirely too silly. Footprints of a gigantic hound, indeed! Think of something else.
MORTIMER (thinks and with the same motions and intonation says): Mr. Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic basketball! (Dramatic music.) I am afraid there is an old legend about a horrific hell-basketball that attacks members of the Baskerville family. Something frightened Sir Charles and I’m afraid it will come after the next Baskerville.
HOLMES: Now that’s more like it! We’ll meet you and the heir--
MORTIMER: Sir Henry Baskerville.
HOLMES: Sir Henry at Baskerville Hall when he arrives--
MORTIMER: Tuesday.
HOLMES: Tuesday.
WATSON: Tuesday.
CREW: Tuesday!
(Cut to a title that reads "TUESDAY.")>
ANNOUNCER: Tuesday.
Scene 17: Cut to a shot of Baskerville Hall. Actually it’s a house on a golf course. HOLMES, WATSON, MORTIMER and SIR HENRY approach. SIR HENRY is wearing plaid flannel and a vest with a big red maple leaf on it.)
SIR HENRY (Canadian): Gosh! Quite a spread, eh? Take me a while to learn my way about, eh?
WATSON: Sir Henry, where you come from does everyone talk like that?
(An unearthly howl floats through the air.)
SIR HENRY: What was that?!
MORTIMER: An unearthly specter that attacks members of your family.
WATSON: Or it was the wind!
HOLMES: Don’t worry about it! Just never go out on the moor at night.
SIR HENRY: Why not?
HOLMES: You’ll meet a horrible death!
SIR HENRY: Oh. Gosh . . .
HOLMES: Watson, what do you say to a stroll around the grounds, to get a feel for our surroundings?
WATSON: It sounds like a good idea to me.
MORTIMER: We’ll expect you for dinner then. Oh, do be careful of the Grimpen sand traps. Men have died in them. They become trapped and are sucked under into the mire.
(They split up. HOLMES and WATSON walk along. HESTER PRYNNE walks past, sewing.)
WATSON: What do you make of her, Holmes?
HOLMES: I deduce that she is a Puritan who has been outcast from her village for the sin of jaywalking--no doubt you observed the scarlet J--and who now finds a kind of peace in her needlework, an occupation at which she is quite talented.
WATSON: Amazing!
(They walk on and arrive at the crest of a hill.)
HOLMES (surveying the land): What do you think, Watson?
WATSON (gesturing): I think I’d lay up at the fifteenth and use a nine iron to get over that water hazard on the left . . .
(Suddenly a strange person, STAPLETON, comes running up. He is carrying a butterfly net.)
HOLMES: Hello!
STAPLETON: Hello there!
WATSON: I am Sherlock Holmes, and this is my friend, Dr. Watson.
HOLMES (kicking WATSON): What have I told you about doing that, Watson?
WATSON (to STAPLETON): I’m Watson, he’s Holmes.
STAPLETON: I’m called Stapleton.
WATSON: Why? Staplers haven’t been invented yet.
STAPLETON (he’s quite insane): Well, I’ve got one. I catch harmless little butterflies in my net here (fishes in the net and retrieves a butterfly) and then I grab ‘em and I staple them to a piece of cardboard, like this (he staples the butterfly to a piece of cardboard he produced from his pocket). I’ve got a whole collection of ‘em! (He laughs madly.) Ooh! Another one!
(STAPLETON runs off in pursuit of another butterfly.)
WATSON: Holmes, the man’s a stark, raving loonie.
HOLMES: You noticed that, too?
(HOLMES bubbles his pipe, deep in thought.)
WATSON: Holmes, that’s a filthy habit.
HOLMES: Well, you were always complaining about secondhand smoke.
(They walk off.)
Scene 18: Interior of Baskerville Hall. Dinner is just being finished.
SIR HENRY: Wow! That really hit the spot, eh? You know, I like a nice walk after a meal. I think I’ll take a stroll on the moor at night, just like you warned me not to!
HOLMES (absently as he mixes up some bubbles for his pipe): Mmm.
MORTIMER: Enjoy yourself, Sir Henry!
(SIR HENRY leaves.)
WATSON (looking from one to the other): Um, I hate to interrupt, but isn’t he just going out at night on the moor where a deadly basketball is just waiting to attack?
MORTIMER: My God! He is!
HOLMES: How could I have been so blind?!
(They rush out after SIR HENRY, WATSON loading his revolver.)
Scene 19: The moor. HOLMES, WATSON and MORTIMER run along, looking for Sir Henry and shouting for him.
HOLMES: Quick Watson! We’ve got to get to Sir Henry before that basketball does!
WATSON: Look!
(SIR HENRY is walking along happily oblivious, whistling.)
HOLMES: It’s Sir Henry.
WATSON: And something is following him!
(There is a howl. Cut to SIR HENRY, who looks worried.)
SIR HENRY: Gosh, maybe I should be getting back, what with that bloodthirsty basketball Dr. Mortimer told me about, eh?
(Cut back to HOLMES, WATSON and MORTIMER.)
WATSON: I could shoot it. Lemme shoot it. I haven’t gotten to shoot anything for a long time.
HOLMES: Okay. Let’s get behind this bunker, then when Sir Henry comes past you’ll have a clean shot.
(They huddle behind the bunker. SIR HENRY approaches. A basketball whizzes past him. He leaps to the side and begins to run. Another comes at him. He struggles with it.)
MORTIMER: Who threw the basketballs?
HOLMES (pointing): It’s Stapleton!
MORTIMER: My God! And all this time I thought he was only a psychopathic butterfly killer!
(WATSON gets some shots off and STAPLETON takes to his heels. They rush to SIR HENRY.)
WATSON: Are you alright, Sir Henry?
SIR HENRY: Gosh! I think so.
WATSON: But why would Stapleton be trying to kill off Baskervilles?
MORTIMER: Perhaps he’s a distant relative who wants the inheritance.
HOLMES: Come on! This is no time for denouement! After him!
(HOLMES and WATSON race after the fleeing STAPLETON, followed by MORTIMER and SIR HENRY. In his rush, STAPLETON falls into a sand trap. He struggles but is sucked under. The others arrive.)
WATSON: Quick! A sand wedge! HOLMES: It's no good. We're too late.
WATSON: Some of these sand traps are very tricky.
HOLMES (bubbling away): It goes to show the folly of tempting fate on one of these courses Jack Nickalus designed.
Scene 20: ALASTAIR COOKIE’s domain.
ALASTAIR COOKIE: And now we have a preview of next week’s show, classic movies, where we will be showing you such unforgettable movies as . . .
(Cut to a title that reads "BEN HUR WITH RADIO FLYERS.")
ANNOUNCER: Ben Hur With Radio Flyers!
Scene 21: A racetrack. A crowd cheers. A radio flyer wagon races past. Another. Another. Another.
Scene ?: ALASTAIR COOKIE’s domain.
ALASTAIR: And . . .
(Cut to a title that reads "CASABLANCA.")
Scene 22: An airfield in black and white. RICK and ELSA are talking with a cheesy-looking homemade model plane in the foreground.
RICK: If that plane (picks up plane) leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life.
ELSA (fingering the plane dubiously): If you say so . . .
Scene 23: ALASTAIR COOKIE’s domain.
ALASTAIR COOKIE: And that’s the late news from Morocco.
(Cut to a sign that reads "MOROCCO.")
ANNOUNCER: Morocco.
(Cut to a map of Africa.)
ANNOUNCER: Morocco.
(Cut back to the "MOROCCO" title.)
ANNOUNCER: Morocco. (pause) And now for something completely French....
(The cover of Les Misérables. The "Overture" plays. The book opens to reveal a slightly doctored title page: "Les Misérables with a Radio Flyer".)
Scene 24: Fade into a Taco Bell. JEAN VALJEAN, bolts out the door holding a taco bag.
Scene 25: Somewhere in the country. A sign that says "FRENCH BORDER" is next to a white line. VALJEAN comes to the border carrying the burrito, looks furtively about and steps across the line into France. Instantly a BORDER PATROL OFFICER collars him and looks in the Taco Bell bag.
BORDER PATROL OFFICER: A burrito! It’s against the law to have non-French food in France! You’re under arrest!
SPANISH PERSON #1 (running up): He stole my burrito!
VALJEAN: It was only for my sister’s family. They’re starving and--
BORDER PATROL OFFICER: Do you know what the penalty for sneaking foreign food--especially STOLEN foreign food--into France is? You’ll get five years for this!
(Cut to a title that reads "NINETEEN YEARS LATER.")
Scene 26: A prison yard. A chain gang, including VALJEAN, comes on. 8
PRISONERS and JEAN VALJEAN (to "Look Down"):
Les Misérables:
A novel by Hugo.
Les Mis, Les Mis:
A three-plus hour show.
My God, it's long
And complicated too.
Les Mis, Les Mis
We've got a fix for you.
A parody in less than half the time.
But even so
We still will sing in rhyme.
The cast, the cast:
Valjean, Javert, Fantine,
Cosette and Marius,
Some students, Eponine.
The plot, the plot:
Jean's released on parole.
His crime? His crime?
A loaf of bread he stole.
Valjean's outcast
From all society
Parole tickets
Don't really mean you're free.
Les Mis, Les Mis,
What you need to know you know.
We'll now get back
To our version of the show.
(CON #1 approaches VALJEAN as he is about to leave on parole. CON #1 is trying to get a jar open without success.)
CON #1 (handing VALJEAN the jar): Before you go, could you get this lid off for me? It’s stuck.
(VALJEAN unscrews the lid and leaves. The CONS exit.)
Scene 27: A road. VALJEAN is walking along it.
VALJEAN (to the camera): Being a con stinks. No one likes me.
(He comes to the POPE’s church. The POPE opens the door.)
POPE: Hello. Would you like a place to stay for the night?
(VALJEAN nods.)
Scene 28: The interior of the Pope’s church. The POPE is preparing a meal.)
POPE (looking at the camera and holding up box): Forger’s Instant Escargot. Your snobby French parishioners will never know the difference! (Handing a plate to VALJEAN.) We’re all insufferably trusting here, so we’re going to leave you unattended. Don’t steal anything!
(VALJEAN picks at the escargot and examines it.)
VALJEAN: I think these are instant!
(He puts the plate down and looks around. He notices a juicer. He thinks and finally snatches it up and runs off.)
Scene 29: Outside, as he rounds the corner of the church, VALJEAN runs into two POLICEMEN.
POLICEMAN #1: Gotcha! I knew you’d be along soon!
VALJEAN: How’d you know?
POLICEMAN #2: The writer tipped us off.
(The POLICEMAN knocks loudly on the church door and the POPE opens it.)
POLICEMAN #1 and POLICEMAN #2 (alternating verses to "Valjean's Arrest"):
Tell His Holiness your story,
Let us see if he’s impressed.
You were lodging here tonight,
You were the honest pontiff’s guest.
And when out of Christian goodness,
When he learned about your plight,
You maintain he made a present of this juicer--?
POPE:
That is right.
But my friend you left so early,
Surely something slipped your mind.
You forgot I gave these also: (speaking)
The cuisinart, the popcorn popper, the mincer, the blender, the toaster oven, the vegetable steamer, the wok . . .
POLICEMAN #1 (disgusted, to the POPE): You have got to be kidding.
(The POLICEMEN stomp off.)
VALJEAN: Oh, guilt! I feel terrible! What can I do?
POPE: Well, for starters you can take all this junk away . . . it’s cluttering up all my counter space. My kitchen’s a mess!
VALJEAN: But . . . how can I carry all this stuff by myself. You just can’t pocket a wok like you can silver candlesticks.
POPE: I have just the thing!
(VALJEAN leaves the church, towing a Radio Flyer wagon full of the kitchen appliances.)
POPE: And remember, do some good with all that stuff!
(VALJEAN stops a little way away from the church and ponders his new belongings.)
VALJEAN (to the first half of "What Have I Done?"):
What is this stuff?
What can I possibly do?
Cooking’s too far beyond me--
I don’t know quiche from tofu.
I’ve got a red wagon, and
A whole lot of stuff but
I can’t help but wonder if it is enough
To have kitchen gadgets I’ve never used--
All of their buttons only make me confused.
If there are chef classes that they teach
Those classes are now out of my reach.
But school is not the only way you can learn,
My life has pages that have yet to be turned.
I’ll be among the best that there are
I will own a restaurant with four stars!
I’ll buy a cookbook--teach myself,
From wine to cheese and even snails
My food will surpass all the other's.
They’ll dine in droves if
I have my druthers.
On a new course I will set sail,
My life will change
Once I learn to cook French cuisine . . .
(VALJEAN picks up and examines a garlic crusher.)
And all these things won’t look so strange.
Scene 30: Back inside the POPE’s church, the POPE notices a yellow paper.
POPE: What’s this? (It says "TICKET-OF-LEAVE" on it.) That fellow must have left it . . . I wonder if it’s important . . .
(A title appears that says "LATER IN MONTREUIL-SUR-MER.")
Scene 31: VALJEAN is the owner of a prosperous restaurant. The sign reads "MAYOR MADELEINE’S RESTAURANT--WHERE 20% OF OUR PROFIT GOES TO THE POOR!" But there is an undercurrent of unrest in the masses . . .)
RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS AND WAITERS (to "At the End of the Day"):
At the end of the day there’s a snail on your fork,
And you can’t get a meal that’s not cooked with some wine.
How great, even divine
If the restaurants would just change their venues,
And then we can get a meal served in no time.
All we want is a menu!
At the end of the day you can’t get decent pork,
And what people call food ‘round here just makes us ill.
And the waiters hurry past,
They don’t hear the orders we’re giving,
And the soup is cooling off fast,
Going to chill.
One snail fewer that’s living!
At the end of the day there’s another snail frying,
And on the stove a souffle is waiting to rise.
It’s not much that we demand,
Just a waiter without that pretention.
There’s a hunger in the land,
We want you to give us attention and
A meal served without cheese,
Then we’ll be pleased!
CUSTOMER #1:
At the start of my meal there’s a fly in my soup!
I want to speak to the owner right now as I sit!
VALJEAN (entering):
Good evening, what’s the problem?
Calm down, don’t throw a fit.
If you can explain why you’re mad,
We will fix it!
CUSTOMER #1:
Look! There’s a fly in my soup!
VALJEAN: Mon dieu! This is serious. (To the HEAD WAITER.) You know I try not to micro-manage, so since you were here when it happened, sort it out.
(VALJEAN leaves.)
HEAD WAITER: Who is responsible for this?
CUSTOMER #2 (pointing to FANTINE): She was the one who served the soup!
WAITER: Yeah! She was! Fantine was! And I hear she runs a Ball Park hot dog stand on the sly.
FANTINE: Well, you can’t make a living on tips around here!
HEAD WAITER (to FANTINE): Do you want the Foreign Foods Division of the police brought down on us all? The fly I could overlook. But hot dogs?! What were you thinking? You’re fired!
Scene 32: FANTINE is out in the streets, desperate and with no money. FRENCH RAPPER #1 approaches her.9
FRENCH RAPPER #1: Hey, you, need some cash?
(FANTINE nods.)
FRENCH RAPPER #2: Then become a French rapper like us.
FANTINE: Oh, but that’s illegal. And I can’t rap--
FRENCH RAPPER #1: It’s easy. (She hands FANTINE a piece of paper.) Here are the lyrics. All you have to do is . . .
(The FRENCH RAPPERS perform the French rap and FANTINE joins in timidly and then with gusto. Some coins are tossed to them. A MAN sees them rapping and disapproves.)
MAN: French rappers! Help! Police!
(Some people, including VALJEAN, cluster around. The FRENCH RAPPERS slip away, leaving FANTINE the sole culprit. JAVERT arrives on the scene.)
JAVERT:
Tell me quickly, what’s the story,
Who rapped what and why and where? (The MAN brings FANTINE forward.)
Let me check out the song’s lyrics
C'mon, give 'em to Javert!
(FANTINE gives over the piece of paper.)
BYSTANDER (reading over JAVERT’s shoulder): "Paris, Paris, what is Paris? It’s not like the life in the United States . . ." Mon dieu! That’s unspeakable!
JAVERT (to MAN): What happened here?
MAN: That woman (pointing to FANTINE) deliberately rapped at me!
JAVERT (to FANTINE): Rapping is strictly prohibited in France. You’ll answer to the court for your actions.
VALJEAN (coming forward from the crowd): Let her go, Inspector. She needs a better lyricist, not a jail.
JAVERT: But according to ordinance 127, section 4, sub-section C, paragraph 16, lines one through seven--
FIELD WORKER: Monsieur Mayor! Monsieur Mayor! There’s an emergency! Monsieur Flowchart’s been working in the fields all day and he’s really thirsty! He needs a drink, but he can’t get the lid off his thermos!
Scene 33: Everyone runs over to FLOWCHART who is collapsed in the fields. FANTINE takes the opportunity to sneak away. FLOWCHART is trying to unscrew the lid with obvious effort. VALJEAN removes his coat, hands it to a stander-by, takes the thermos himself and after a tense few seconds manages to remove the lid, a feat which does not go unnoticed by JAVERT.
JAVERT (to VALJEAN): Wow. A man your age, to be as strong as you are . . .
VALJEAN: Well, I exercise and eat right.
(JAVERT takes VALJEAN aside.)
JAVERT:
I have only know one other
Who could unscrew stubborn lids,
He’s a convict from the chain gang
And we’ve just found where he’s hid.
I had guarded him in prison
So I know his story well,
He snuck Tex-Mex ‘cross the border,
He had robbed a Taco Bell.
He annoyingly denies it--
He maintains he’s not a con,
But there’s no two ways about it:
We have captured Jean Valjean.
VALJEAN (without stopping to think): Well, you can’t be right. I am Jean Val--
(Oops!)
JAVERT: Valjean! You’re--
VALJEAN (thinks fast): Look! Is that someone eating a cheeseburger?
(With JAVERT distracted, VALJEAN escapes.)
Scene 34: VALJEAN is hurrying along the streets of Montreuil-sur-Mer when FANTINE approaches him again.)
VALJEAN: Hello. Was there anything else I can do for you?
FANTINE (holding up the book in question): Actually, I was just reading this book and it says I’m supposed to die soon.
VALJEAN: What?
FANTINE (showing VALJEAN the page in the book): See, here.
VALJEAN: What about in the script?
FANTINE (pulling out script): Yes, there too.
VALJEAN: Oh my. Well, of course I’m sorry and I’ll call you a doctor if you think it’ll do any good, but why are you telling me about this?
FANTINE (in great distress and even greater confusion): ‘Cause it also says that I’ve got this illegitimate daughter named Cosette--don’t ask me where she came from--and that she needs someone to look after her once I’m dead. Cosette’s at the (looks at script and reads dubiously) Thenardier Trailer Park.
VALJEAN: Well . . .
FANTINE: You’ll do it, then?
VALJEAN: Well . . . (He turns thoughtfully and runs into JAVERT.) Inspector Javert! Ah, I’m really busy at the moment. I haven’t got the time to be re-arrested, but if you’ll come back on (looking at appointment book) Wednesday I’m sure I could squeeze you in. Why don’t you track down some more foreign food? Or the people who tear tags off of pillows?
VALJEAN: I’m not mocking you--oh yes I am! I’m mocking you, I’m mocking you, I’m mocking you!
JAVERT: You fool! You fool to mock me!
VALJEAN (slaps JAVERT): Get a hold of yourself, man!
FANTINE (regaining VALJEAN’s attention): Will you take her? Please? (Looking at book.) It says she’s very nice.
VALJEAN: . . . Yes.
FANTINE: Oh, thank--
(FANTINE drops dead.)
VALJEAN (to JAVERT): Let me go until I can fetch her daughter--what was her name?
FANTINE (making a brief return to the land of the living): Cosette.
VALJEAN: --and find her a good home.
JAVERT: No!
VALJEAN: I’m hardly Jack the Ripper. All I did was bring some foreign food into France--
JAVERT: Don’t talk to me about foreign food--you don’t know anything about it! I, on the other hand, was born inside a McDonalds.
VALJEAN (after brief pause): That explains a lot. (VALJEAN pulls a chimichanga out of a coat pocket and brandishes it like a weapon.) . . . But I’m not going back to prison just yet. I’ve got a chimichanga and I’m not afraid to use it.
(VALJEAN escapes--again--in a scuffle and is gone.)
Scene 35: VALJEAN arrives in the Thenardier Trailer Park, towing his Radio Flyer which is loaded with his belongings. COSETTE, a little girl, is hard at work and singing.)
COSETTE (to "Castle on a Cloud"):
There’s a Whitecastle on my street,
I go there to buy cheap meat.
Their burgers are my special treat,
Oh, my Whitecastle down the street.
Not like here where they feed me Spam,
My Whitecastle has got real ham,
And after dinner I’ll have sweets
At my Whitecastle down the street.
There’s a man who serves me fries.
He has eight different kinds of pies.
They’re nice to smell and they’re good to eat.
My favorite pie they serve is called mincemeat.
I know a place where buns are small,
I know a place where fat is fried.
Health food we just refuse to eat
At my Whitecastle down the street.
(VALJEAN approaches COSETTE.)
VALJEAN: That’s a pretty song. What’s your name?
COSETTE: Cosette.
VALJEAN: And the people who own this trailer park, they aren’t your parents?
COSETTE: Oh no, Monsieur. They’re mean people. They only feed me Spam. I don’t like them at all.
VALJEAN: Then you won’t mind if I ask them if I can take you away with me?
COSETTE: Do you have good food?
VALJEAN: I have chocolate.
COSETTE: I don’t mind at all.
VALJEAN: Wait here.
Scene 36: VALJEAN enters the Thenardiers’ trailer. Inside is chaos. The DIRECTOR and CREW are still trying to set up the shot. The THENARDIERS are quintessential white trailer park trash and not very helpful. They are holding a loud (ad-libbed) conversation among themselves and both VALJEAN and the DIRECTOR are having a hard time getting them to listen and lines tend to overlap.
VALJEAN (going to THENARDIER): Are you Monsieur Thernardier?
THENARDIER: Yah. (Holds out hand which VALJEAN shakes.) Bud Thernardier. (VALJEAN wipes his hand off on his coat.) And this is my wife, Sissy. Wanna pork rind?
DIRECTOR (snatching the bag): Give those here! There are no pork rinds in Les Miserables!
MME. THENARDIER: Are you here to complain about Eponine? When she let the pit bulls lose, I know she didn’t mean any harm.
VALJEAN: No. I--
DIRECTOR: We’re short on time, could you--pit bulls?! There are no pit bulls in--
THENARDIER: And if yer’re here about the cock fights, we don’t know nothing about ‘em.
MME. THENARDIER: We only live here.
DIRECTOR: There are no cock fights in Les Miserables!
VALJEAN: Cock fights? Um, look, what I wanted to see you about was Cosette.
THENARDIER: Cosette?
MME. THENARDIER (looking up from a TV page): Pro wrestling!
THENARDIER: Where?
MME. THENARDIER: Channel two! (Grabs the remote.) Quick!
DIRECTOR: Pro wrestling is not in the script . . . is it?
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: No. Here. (Hands the DIRECTOR the script.) Look on page twenty-four.
(The DIRECTOR takes away the TV page and, with the CREW, starts to bodily position the actors.)
DIRECTOR:
Stand here, M’sieur,
And read your lines.
Get in the role,
What’s on his mind?
Actors can’t act,
No one will listen.
Under the lights,
Sweat starts to glisten.
Seldom do I see
Things go easily,
A shoot that runs on time
With no help from me.
Director of the show,
Pulling out my hair
Lookin’ for some quiet,
That you won’t find there (gestures to the set).
Someone’s lost a prop,
There’s a missing coat,
It’s all I can do to keep the show afloat.
Try to pull it all together,
Wouldn’t say it’s always fun.
These people drive you crazy
As you try to do what can’t be done!
CREW and DIRECTOR:
Director of the show,
Keeper of the zoo!
Ready to relieve ‘em
Of a line or two.
Be a diplomat,
Get the crew in gear,
DIRECTOR:
Workin’ ‘round their egos
And their silly tears.
CREW:
You wouldn’t want to be their shrink,
Listen to ‘em all complain,
DIRECTOR:
I sympathize with Sweeney Todd,
My God! At least I stay in touch with pain!
CREW and DIRECTOR:
Writer of the script,
Director of the show,
Keeps the actors moving
When they move too slow.
Gotta wrap in time,
Gotta earn your pay,
DIRECTOR:
Jesus guys get goin’,
We haven’t got all day!
Glad to have my Pepto Bismol,
CREW and DIRECTOR:
Drink it with a film to make.
DIRECTOR:
Now my mind’s in pieces
And the stress increases every take!
DIRECTOR: Director of the show!
CREW: Directors make us laugh! Comforter, philosopher--
DIRECTOR: And that’s not half!
CREW: Running back and forth, tells us that to do,
DIRECTOR: Stuck between producers and a crazy crew.
CREW:
Everybody bless directors!
Everybody bless the cast.
DIRECTOR:
Everybody we’re behind!
CREW:
Everybody flub a line!
Everybody make a bet how long this chump will last!
(The DIRECTOR falls over. The CREW watches with interest and then clears the set. The take board fills the shot.)
CAMERAMAN: Roll ‘em!
(The take board slaps shut and is removed. VALJEAN continues his interview with the THENARDIERS.)
VALJEAN: I’m interested in adopting Cosette--
THENARDIER (to MME. THENARDIER): He stole my song!
MME. THENARDIER (hitting him): It was my song too!
THENARDIER: Yeah, but--
VALJEAN (raising his voice to get attention): Can I just take Cosette and leave?
THENARDIER: Oh, all right.
MME. THENARDIER: Just get out of here! You’re standing in front of the TV! I can’t see.
Scene 37: Outside, VALJEAN pauses to wipe his brow in relief and collects COSETTE.
COSETTE: Are we leaving, monsieur?
VALJEAN: Cosette, why don’t you call me "papa" from now on?
COSETTE: Why?
VALJEAN: I have family issues.
COSETTE: Why do you drag that wagon with you?
VALJEAN: It has great sentimental value--and it’s a far sight more useful than, say, some old silver candlesticks. Now come on, Cosette. We’re leaving.
COSETTE: Where are we going?
VALJEAN (thinks): Paris.
COSETTE: Why?
VALJEAN: Why not?
Scene 38: Back in the Thernardier trailer.
MME. THENARDIER: Without Cosette, Eponine won’t have anyone to pick on.
THENARDIER: I hadn’t thought of that. Guess we’ll have to move to Paris. Plenty of people there.
(A title appears that says "TEN YEARS LATER IN PARIS.")
Scene 39: Paris. VALJEAN and COSETTE, now grown up, walk through the streets. A group of students are having a rally at the XYZ Cafe--a sign reads "XYZ CAFE"). ENJOLRAS, wearing a fancy red vest with the McDonalds "golden arches" on the back is standing on something. MARIUS is also part of the group.
ENJOLRAS: And what do we want?
STUDENTS: The freedom to eat whatever food we want!
ENJOLRAS: Where are the Wendy’s? Where are the Olive Gardens?
STUDENTS: Chinese carry-out! Pizza! TV dinners! Mexican!
MARIUS: Pass the picante sauce!
ENJOLRAS: Only one man and that’s Dave Thomas speaks for these people here below!
STUDENTS: Dave!
ENJOLRAS: We have the right to eat whatever we want! We will form a new republic!
JOLY: But, we’re already had a new republic.
GRANTAIRE: So? France goes through republics like most countries go through underwear.
ENJOLRAS: What do you want?
STUDENTS: Culinary freedom!
ENJOLRAS: When do you want it?
STUDENTS: Now!
JOLY: Uh, why do we want culinary freedom?
ENJOLRAS: Well, the masses are starving, and just about everyone is sick of eating only French food.
GRANTAIRE: Who out there doesn’t want the right to eat a hamburger?
(Cheering. ENJOLRAS holds out his hands for silence. Everyone waits expectantly for the song cue.)
ENJOLRAS:
Do you hear the people sing,
Singing a song of hungry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not eat snails again.
When the thoughts inside your heart
Turn to fast food and hot dog buns
There’s a restaurant about to start
When tomorrow comes!
COMBEFERRE:
Will you sample our confections,
Who will be strong and eat with me?
Beyond the dairy section
Is there a meal you long to see?
COURFEYRAC:
Then join in the fight
That will give you the right to iced tea!
ENJOLRAS and STUDENTS:
Do you hear the people sing,
Singing a song of spicy food?
It is the music of a people
Who will not eat snails again.
When the grumblings of your gut
Can be heard a mile away
Then your diet must be cut and
The chefs be made to pay!
GRANTAIRE:
Will you give all you can give
So we may stamp out escargot?
Some will fall and some will live,
Will you stand up and give it a go?
JOLY:
The blood of sous chefs
Will flow like a fine Bordeaux!
ENJOLRAS and STUDENTS:
Do you hear the people sing,
Singing a song of hungry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not eat snails again.
When the thoughts inside your heart
Turn to fast food and hot dog buns
There’s a restaurant about to start
When tomorrow comes!
COSETTE: What’s that, Papa?
VALJEAN: Social unrest, Cosette.
COSETTE (noticing MARIUS): Who’s that?
VALJEAN: The romantic lead. Better look meaningfully into his eyes for a few seconds.
COSETTE: Okay.
(She does. Music. It stops abruptly when VALJEAN speaks.)
VALJEAN: Alright, that should be enough. Come along.
(MARIUS watches as they go. He is smitten as well. EPONINE wanders up to MARIUS.)
EPONINE: Hi, Marius.
MARIUS: Eponine! I just saw the girl of my dreams!
EPONINE: Where?
MARIUS (pointing the receding figures): There. You’ve got to find her for me. (He writes quickly on a piece of paper.) Give her this note. I have to meet her!
EPONINE: Why don’t you do it yourself?
MARIUS: I’ve got this revolution thing . . .
(EPONINE rolls her eyes but goes off to look for COSETTE. She finds her sitting on a bench.)
EPONINE: I have a note for you from a student who was at the rally this morning.
(EPONINE hands COSETTE the note.)
MARIUS’S VOICE: The moment I saw you I knew you must be the show’s other romantic lead and that I must meet you. Please tell me your address and I will come in the evening.
(COSETTE writes on the back of the piece of paper and gives it back to EPONINE.)
COSETTE: We’ll cook dinner together--tell him that.
EPONINE: Okay.
(EPONINE leaves. VALJEAN comes out of a shop.)
VALJEAN: Are you ready to go, Cosette?
(COSETTE nods and they walk off.)
Scene 40: The streets of Paris and the XYZ Cafe.
COURFEYRAC: At Notre Dame the TV dinners are prepared!
JOLY: And I’m done passing out the pamphlets.
COURFEYRAC:
Egg rolls, Snickers, and milkshakes,
Just one taste is all it takes
They’re all sick of their old soup,
We will stage an awesome coup.
ENJOLRAS:
We need a sign,
To rally the people,
To call them to arms,
To bring them in line!
(MARIUS enters.)
COURFEYRAC: Marius you’re late!
ENJOLRAS: You missed your cue! This is the third time this week.
MARIUS: I did? Sorry.
GRANTAIRE (as MARIUS speaks and offering a can): Some Coke and say what’s going on.
MARIUS: I’m lovestruck.
JOLY: Really?
MARIUS (nods): And I just got a note from her. I’m going to her house for dinner!
GRANTAIRE: Well, at least you haven’t missed our little song.
ENJOLRAS:
Red--the color of ketchup,
Black--a fresh charcoal briquette!
Red--the flame that cooks my frank,
Black--the crumbs we sweep away!
(COMBEFERRE and GAVROCHE, who is played by Chekov the stand-me-up cardboard poster person, arrive.)
COURFEYRAC: Hello, Gavroche!
GAVROCHE: Dave Thomas is dead!
JOLY: What did he die of?
COMBEFERRE: A heart attack.
ENJOLRAS: Well, that’s the risk you run. (Louder.) This is the sign we’ve been waiting for! We’ll gather our supporters and build a barricade!
JOLY: Shouldn’t we maybe sign a petition or run for office instead? What will a barricade accomplish?
ENJOLRAS: It will be dramatic.
GRANTAIRE: And visually arresting.
JOLY: Oh.
(The STUDENTS form up and wave a red flag while they sing.)
ENJOLRAS and STUDENTS:
Red--the color of ketchup!
Black--a fresh charcoal briquette!
Red--the flame that cooks my frank!
Black--the crumbs we sweep away!
Scene 41: VALJEAN’s house. MARIUS arrives to meet COSETTE.
MARIUS: Hi, I’m Marius Pontmercy.
COSETTE: And I’m Cosette. Come in and have dinner. I cooked it myself!
(They go in the house and "In My Life" starts to play, but the DIRECTOR comes on and stops it.)
DIRECTOR: Sorry, we’re moving on, saving time. Come on, off you go.
COSETTE: But we had a song!
DIRECTOR: Don’t worry. You have a part in the montage. Now go eat dinner together. (pause, looks at watch, taps foot, then:) That's enough. Cosette! Marius! Javert! Enjolras! Eponine! Thernardier! Anyone else! Come on! It’s time to weave all these story threads together with a song where everyone sings different words at the same time so no one can understand a thing anyone else is saying!
Scene 42: In front of a suitable background.
VALJEAN:
One scene more!
Another scene, and some more lines for me
This never-ending silly parody.
These men who seem to write my lines
Will surely write another time.
One scene more!
MARIUS and COSETTE:
I did not dine until today,
How can I live without your cooking?
VALJEAN: Once scene more!
MARIUS and COSETTE:
Your food blew my palate away.
It smells so good and is good-looking.
EPONINE: One more scene with a small part,
MARIUS and COSETTE: Will we ever dine again?
EPONINE: One more scene stuck in the background.
MARIUS and COSETTE: And your cupcakes were so good
EPONINE: Oh, I could have got my start
MARIUS and COSETTE: I can’t live without your food!
EPONINE: But casting didn’t see me there!
(EPONINE leaves, annoyed.)
ENJOLRAS: One more scene until we fight
MARIUS: Do I stay with her cuisine?
ENJOLRAS: At the barricades of freedom
MARIUS: Should I join my brothers there?
ENJOLRAS: For our culinary rights.
MARIUS: Do I stay and do I dare?
ENJOLRAS: Will you take your meals with me?
ALL: The lines are now, the scene is here!
VALJEAN: One scene more!
JAVERT:
One more scene till revolution,
We will end their plans for good.
I will infiltrate their ranks and
I will find their foreign food.
VALJEAN: One scene more!
(THENARDIER comes on.)
THENARDIER:
Now my part is through
I am finished here,
I’ll go to a bar
And buy myself a beer.
Take a little sip,
Budweiser and such
Most of ‘em are imports
So I won’t miss much.
(THENARDIER leaves.)
ENJOLRAS and MARIUS and STUDENTS:
One scene to a new beginning,
We will order what we please
We can eat without a care,
We can dine without a care!
There’s a menu for the winning,
There’s a menu to be won!
Do you see the bill of fare?
MARIUS: My place is here, I fight with you!
VALJEAN: One scene more!
(Seeing an opportunity for more lines, EPONINE comes back on.)
MARIUS and COSETTE:
I did not dine until today.
EPONINE:
One more scene with a small part
MARIUS and COSETTE: How can I live without your cooking?
JAVERT (overlapping):
I will join these silly people,
It is French food I will save.
I'll be privy to their secrets
About food you microwave!
VALJEAN: One scene more!
MARIUS and COSETTE:
Your food blew my palate away . . .
EPONINE:
Oh, I could have got my start!
MARIUS and COSETTE: It smells so good and is good-looking!
JAVERT (overlapping):
Once more scene till revolution,
We will end their plans for good.
I will infiltrate their ranks and
VALJEAN:
Tomorrow there’ll be more to say,
Tomorrow is the judgement day.
ALL:
Tomorrow we’ll discover
What our writer’s script has got in store!
One more act!
One more scene,
One scene more!
Scene 43: The future site of the barricade. Barricade music. ENJOLRAS and the STUDENTS march on and survey the area.
ENJOLRAS:
Here upon these stones we will build our barricade,
In the heart of the city we claim as our own.
Each man to his duty and don’t be afraid--
Wait! We will need some sort of building permit.
JAVERT:
I know their building codes,
Can get permits
Filed soon.
I learned how
When I was an intern.
ENJOLRAS (approaching with a gun): Who are you?
JAVERT: My name is Arby. Someday I would like to open a restaurant that serves roast beef sandwiches.
ENJOLRAS (handing JAVERT a gun): Well, get going, we want to be sure to be up to code.
(The STUDENTS start assembling assorted junk. Fade out and then in again to the almost-completed barricade. It is made of cardboard, a trailer, and other random items. ENJOLRAS, MARIUS and the STUDENTS are putting on the finishing touches and readying their guns. Barricade music plays.)
COURFEYRAC (to COMBEFERRE): Hey, Courfeyrac, could you turn that off? I’m starting to get a headache.
COMBEFERRE (turning the barricade music off): I thought you were Courfeyrac.
COURFEYRAC: That’s strange, I thought I was Combeferre . . .
COMBEFERRE: Well, which is it--what’s your name?
COURFEYRAC: What’s yours?
COMBEFERRE: I asked you first.
COURFEYRAC: Statement. One--love. Now, what are you driving at?
COMBEFERRE: What’s your name?!
COURFEYRAC: Repetition! Two--love. Match point to me.
COMBEFERRE: Make up your mind--which are you? One or the other.
COURFEYRAC: Don’t you discriminate at all?
COMBEFERRE: Consistency is all I ask.
COURFEYRAC (after a pause): Well, neither of us is Grantaire.
(COMBEFERRE and COURFEYRAC approach JOLY and GRANTAIRE.)
COURFEYRAC: Hey, which one of us is Courfeyrac and which is Combeferre?
JOLY: You’re (points to Courfeyrac) Courfeyrac.
GRANTAIRE: And you’re (pointing at Combeferre) Combeferre.
COURFEYRAC: I’m glad that’s settled.
COMBEFERRE: I’ll say.
(EPONINE shows up at the barricade.)
MARIUS (to EPONINE): What are you doing here, Eponine?
EPONINE: I’m milking my part for all it’s worth. Is there anything I can do?
MARIUS: Yes. Take this note to Cosette.
EPONINE: Another note? What am I? The postal service?
(But she goes anyway.)
Scene 44: The streets of Paris. EPONINE is walking along slowly.
EPONINE (to "On My Own"):
And now I’m all alone again,
Nothing to do, no one to act with.
Without a friendly writer’s pen,
Without agents to make a pact with.
The principals move on
And now I can sing my own song.
On my own,
Pretending my part’s bigger,
All my plans to try to make it larger
Somehow fail.
And now I have to figure
What to do to get a break--
ENJOLRAS and STUDENTS: Will you just deliver the note already?!
(Exasperated, EPONINE stamps her foot and stops off.)
Scene 45: EPONINE arrives at VALJEAN’s house. She knocks on the door and VALJEAN answers it.
VALJEAN: Hello.
EPONINE: Speedy delivery. (Indignant, as VALJEAN starts to read it.) It’s for your daughter.
VALJEAN: You mean Cosette? (EPONINE nods.) Is it from that young revolutionary student?
EPONINE: Marius? Yes. He’s at the barricade now so he couldn’t come himself.
VALJEAN: Oh . . . well . . . thank you.
(EPONINE leaves. VALJEAN reads the note thoughtfully.)
MARIUS’S VOICE: Dearest Cosette, even though I love your cooking--and you--I have a duty to help my friends on the barricades. They are fighting for a great cause. I pray that I will live to come home to you and those little cinnamon rolls you make with the decadent cream cheese icing that melts on your tongue and--
(MARIUS’S VOICE is cut off by VALJEAN re-folding the letter. VALJEAN looks thoughtful. He gets his coat and wagon and leaves, towing the Radio Flyer.)
Scene 46: At the completed barricade.
ARMY TAUNTER # 1(through a bullhorn): You at the barricade, listen to this!
ARMY TAUNTER #2: You dirty student revolutionaries and Monsieur Enjolras person who has the brain of a duck you know will lose!
ARMY TAUNTER #1: We French police types will outwit you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey bottoms. I unclog my nose in your general direction, you sons of a window dresser.
ARMY TAUNTER #2: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. You’ve got no chance with your silly knees-bent running about dancing behavior. I burst my pimples at you, you silly bed-wetting types and I call you silly things . . .
ARMY TAUNTER #1 and #2: . . . you tiny-brained revolutionary sssss-tudents!
ENJOLRAS:
Damn your food and damn your wines,
Your twisted loaves and twisting vines.
ENJOLRAS and STUDENTS:
Damn your food and damn your wines,
Your twisted loaves and twisting vines.
(JAVERT comes over the barricade.)
ENJOLRAS: What news do you have?
GAVROCHE: That man is a spy!
COURFEYRAC: Not bad for a cardboard stand-me-up poster person.
ENJOLRAS: Tie him up! We’ll kill him later when there’s a lull in the plot.
(JAVERT is tied up. EPONINE approaches the barricade.)
EPONINE: Hey, Marius! Have you got anything else for me to do?
(An ARMY OFFICER takes aim and shoots EPONINE.)
MARIUS: Eponine?
EPONINE (just before she dies): I guess not.
JOLY: When this is all over, some funeral parlor is going to make a killing.
(VALJEAN approaches and comes over the barricade. The STUDENTS aim their guns at him.)
VALJEAN: Don’t shoot. I’m here to volunteer.
COMBEFERRE: Not another one!
JOLY: They breed like rabbits!
GRANTAIRE: Sorry, we don’t need any more spies around here, pretending they’re on our side.
MARIUS: Yeah.
VALJEAN: No, really. I came here to help.
ENJOLRAS:
You’re too late, we’ve heard that story,
Move yourself, get out of here.
Someone else already tried that-- (ENJOLRAS points)
He’s some jerkwad named Javert.
(VALJEAN looks in the direction ENJOLRAS points.)
VALJEAN: I promise that I will not betray you. And I’ve brought something to add to your barricade.
ENJOLRAS:
Well, all right, your help is welcome,
Take this rifle to your hand, (ENJOLRAS hands VALJEAN a gun.)
But if you shoot us in the back then
We will grind you into Spam.
(VALJEAN takes the gun and fetches the Radio Flyer, which he adds to the barricade.)
(VALJEAN acknowledges the reply and moves past with the wagon. Fade. Zoom out from the Radio Flyer, now part of the barricade.)
(Cut to the ARMY TAUNTERS.)
ARMY TAUNTER #1: You at the barricade listen to this!
ARMY TAUNTER #2: Lay down your guns or we shall taunt you a second time!
ENJOLRAS: Never!
COMBEFERRE: You can keep your soups, salads and sauces!
JOLY: You can have your cheeses and wines!
GRANTAIRE: We want some real condiments!
MARIUS: Yeah!
(Gunfire starts.)
JOLY: They’re attacking!
(The STUDENTS, ENJOLRAS and VALJEAN take their places.)
ENJOLRAS: Fire!
(There is a brief volley of gunfire and other deadly weapons, such as squirt guns and water balloons.)
JOLY: They’re using water baloons!
(VALJEAN spots a water balloon sniper aiming for ENJOLRAS.)
VALJEAN: Duck!
(The water balloon misses ENJOLRAS and the fighting winds down.)
ENJOLRAS: Thank you. I would have gotten soaked. And my vest would have been ruined--it’s dry clean only. . . . If there’s ever anything I can do for you . . .
VALJEAN: Actually, there is . . . . (whispers in ENJOLRAS's ear)
ENJOLRAS (to VALJEAN, handing him a pistol): Okay. (to the STUDENTS) Keep on your guard, everyone. They will attack again.
GRANTAIRE: We must get drunk immediately.
JOLY: Where’s the root beer? Where are the chips?
(The STUDENTS remove food and drink from their coolers and discuss things such as potato salad. ENJOLRAS tosses VALJEAN a Big Mac which VALJEAN pockets. VALJEAN approaches JAVERT, who gets cut out of the shot when VALJEAN gets closer.)
VALJEAN (speaking in a downwards direction): You again? Stand up or you won’t be in the shot.
(VALJEAN leads JAVERT a little distance away and starts rooting through his pockets.)
JAVERT: Ha! I knew it--a knife!
VALJEAN: Shut up. You’re ruining the drama. And I’m not going to kill you. Think of the mess . . .
(VALJEAN cuts JAVERT’s ropes.)
JAVERT: I don’t understand.
VALJEAN: What’s not to understand? Get out of here! I think this scene is running long.
(VALJEAN waves JAVERT away and looks at the pistol.)
VALJEAN: Heck, it’s only plastic anyway.
(Night falls. The STUDENTS continue to eat and drink. MARIUS falls asleep and snores profoundly. VALJEAN stands over him.)
VALJEAN (shouting upwards): Hey! You! (singing) God on high, hear my prayer! (Points to MARIUS.) Bring him home! (speaking) And do something about that snoring--it’ll drive Cosette crazy.
JOLY: They're attacking again!
GRANTAIRE: That doesn't sound like any fun.
COMBEFERRE: You want to just skip to the part where we all die?
ENJOLRAS (amidst general agreement): Okay.
(The shooting begins again, this time it is serious, leaving everyone dead except VALJEAN and a water-balloon wounded MARIUS.)
Scene 47: VALJEAN drags MARIUS into the Radio Flyer wagon and wheels away. VALJEAN arrives at a manhole. He contemplates the thought of the sewers.
VALJEAN: I must be crazy! No way am I going down there in the muck and the filth. I’d get some disease!
(VALJEAN continues. As rounds a corner he runs into JAVERT.)
VALJEAN: Javert, you really need to get a life. (JAVERT moves to take VALJEAN into custody.) Look, before you drag me off (gestures at MARIUS) let me save him. This boy’s done no wrong and he needs a doctor’s care.
JAVERT (peering at MARIUS): What’s wrong? He’s just a little damp. Is this another one of your tricks?
VALJEAN:
Look down, Javert,
He’ll catch his death of cold.
I’ll be right back
I’ll take no time at all.
And while you wait
Why don’t you have a snack--
Try that Big Mac
Before it starts to mold.
JAVERT: Take him, before I change my mind. I will be waiting, 24601.
VALJEAN: Valjean.
JAVERT: Whatever.
(VALJEAN wheels off again with MARIUS. JAVERT sits down and contemplates the Big Mac. No one is looking so he takes a bite.)
JAVERT (to the second half of "Javert's Suicide"):
And my thoughts fly apart,
This taste passes belief.
And why are there are three buns with
Only two slabs of beef?
And how about this special sauce?
It’s better than damned velouté.
It’s foreign and yet it has some bite.
The food I have known is lost in shadow.
So why did Valjean give me this?
And does he know
That giving me a Big Mac now,
This man has killed me with a cow?
All my life I’ve tried to keep
Foreign food from out of France
So I can’t live liking it
No, I won’t give it a chance.
I’ll escape now from this world,
From a world of fast food joints.
Since I’ve found I like Big Macs
There’s no longer any point.
(Cut to a title that says "SPLASH." Cut to a newsroom.) ANCHOR: And that's the story from Paris.
(Cut to a sign that says "PARIS.")
ANNOUNCER:Paris.
(Cut to a picture of Paris.)
ANNOUNCER: Paris.
(Cut the sign that says "PARIS.")
ANNOUNCER: Paris.
(Cut back to the newsroom.)
ANCHOR: Now, you may be inclined to think that this turn of events would entitle the story and its surviving characters to a completely happy ending with no more death of any sort. (pause) But you would be wrong. However, our producers, having methodically killed off practically every major character--and while we’re at it, let’s dispatch of the Thernardiers . . .
(Cut to the THERNARDIERS sitting in their living room, who keel over. Cut to the newsroom.) ANCHOR: . . . and--why not?--the Pope. (Cut to the POPE happily cleaning his now-plentiful counter space. He also keels over. Cut to the newsroom.) ANCHOR: But as I was saying, our producers have elected to skip past the remaining angst and suffering and stick strictly to the happy material. And after all, when all is said and done, can you really find it in your heart to blame them?
(Cut to a group shot of as many of the dead characters as possible.)
ALL: Nope!
(Cut to the newsroom.)
ANCHOR: We now take you to our correspondant in the field, Pat.
Scene 48: Outside a church.
PAT: And so Cosette and Marius are happily married, with a life full of love, tasty sweets and expanding waistlines ahead of them. But Valjean, conscientious fellow that he is, feels there is something he has to tell Marius.
Scene 49: VALJEAN and MARIUS are sitting in VALJEAN’s house.
MARIUS (to VALJEAN): Want another cupcake? They’re wonderful. Working at your restaurant really made Cosette a good cook.
VALJEAN: Marius, there are some things I have to tell you.
MARIUS (finishing off a cupcake): What?
VALJEAN: You think I’m a respectable restaurant owner, and that’s true now. But years before I was a thief and a convict. I stole a burrito from a Taco Bell and tried to smuggle it into France. I was caught and spent nineteen years in prison. I am not worthy of--
MARIUS: A Taco Bell! Authentic Mexican food!
VALJEAN: Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to say "authentic" . . .
MARIUS (interrupting): I fought with my friends for the right to eat any kind of food we wanted. If I condemned you for breaking foreign food laws I’d be a gigantic hypocrite!
VALJEAN: But--I must go away. I broke parole. I’m a convict.
(COSETTE, unaware of the conversation, comes into the room with the Radio Flyer.)
COSETTE: Papa, we’re short of closet space. Do you want to keep your old wagon, or can I get rid of it?
MARIUS: I recognize that wagon! After the fight at the barricade, when I was unconscious, I was taken to the doctor in that same wagon! I know because when I was discharged, it was left there with the doctor for the owner to pick up. I remember that nick in the side--and the squeaky wheel!
COSETTE (giving MARIUS another cupcake): Well, it’s Papa’s wagon.
MARIUS: Then it must have been you who saved me at the barricade! I will not allow you to go away, no matter what you’ve done! You will stay with us!
COSETTE (going to VALJEAN): Of course Papa’s not going away. We’re having a happy ending! . . . Right?
MARIUS (asking VALJEAN): Right?
VALJEAN (beginning to smile as he realizes that he won’t have to die like nearly everyone else): Well, don’t ask me how it happened, but it looks as if we are. Let’s go do the finale.
(VALJEAN, MARIUS and COSETTE link arms and walk off.)
Scene 50: The entire company assembles in front of a suitable background.
COMPANY:
Do you hear the people sing,
Lost in the valley of pate?
It is the music of a people
Who’ve been waiting for this day.
For the diners of the earth
There is a dream that never dies,
Even the finest stores will fold
And serve apple pies!
They will dine again in freedom
In the land of Burger King,
They will queue up at the drive-through,
You will hear their voices ring:
A side of fries, a Coke and
A burger with everything!
May we now take your group’s order?
Please have an appetizing treat,
From beyond our nation’s border
Is there a meal you long to eat?
Can you read the bill of fare,
Are you going to need some Tums?
It is the menu that is there
When your waiter comes!
Will you try our red Kool-Ade,
Who will be strong and drink with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a meal you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing,
Say can you dream of tasty crumbs?
It is the entree that they bring
When tomorrow comes . . .
Tomorrow comes!
(Taped applause. Bows. Fade out. Credits run. The end.)
1 Buffington (and the rest of the routine) first appeared in Super Blond, and, typically, became an in-joke. Back to where you were.
2 Of course the Pope's involved.... Back to where you were.
3 Chekov the stand-me-up cardboard poster person was made for Star Trek: The Undiscovered Episode, mainly because there weren't enough actual people for the roles. Obviously, we liked the idea, and started giving him guest slots. Back to where you were.
4 The "crew," including the director, was first used as characters in Star Trek: The Undiscovered Episode. If we took ourselves seriously, or if we produced serious works, this would bring up the whole meta-reality "play-within-a-play" issue, but we just use it as a plot device or cheap gag. Back to where you were.
5 The entire Leonardo DiCaprio Titanic scene was cut and replaced with a different Titanic scene: The doomed ship is sailing along to the strains of classical music when a comet descends from the heavens, breaking the ship in two and sinking it. This was achieved through the use of cut out scenery, comet and ship puppeted on small sticks. Back to where you were.
6 If you haven't seen The Princess Bride shame on you. Back to where you were.
7 Clever product placement from a previous video. Back to where you were.
8 This scene was declared unnecessary, and rightly so, cut and never filmed. There's enough bad singing as it is. . . . Back to where you were.
9 The French Rap exists. Lisa and Claire took French in high school and in one of their classes a video was shown, presening Paris to the class . . . in the form of a rap . . . in French . . . with lyrics that include the immortal lines "Paris, Paris, what is Paris? It's not like the life in the United States." The French Rappers first appeared in Super Blond. Back to where you were.
10 Yes, another gratuitious in-joke. This time, it's from the Bar Scene, during which the "mocking" sequence was ad-libbed into existence by Lisa and Lindsay. Back to where you were.