(Intro music. SUPER BLOND is resting peacefully in bed, maybe snoring a bit.)
ANNOUNCER: It was just another ordinary day for Super Blond. She woke up (SUPER BLOND wakes, rubs eyes, trips into kitchen), had a healthy breakfast (SUPER BLOND takes Kryptonite Brand Chocolate Ice Cream out of freezer, covers it in Rice Krispies and hurriedly eats a few bites) and left for her blond trainer Claire’s house.
(Shot of SUPER BLOND walking down street, runs into cars, trips several times. She removes a tube of lipstick from her pocket.)
SUPER BLOND (voice-over): I hope Claire likes my new disguise! Midnight Magic Magenta! (spoken) Tee-hee! (she runs into a car) Ow! Like, thinking and walking are like hard to do at the, like, same, like, time!
(SUPER BLOND approaches CLAIRE’s house and walks into the door.)
SUPER BLOND: Ow! Like, what was that? (rubs forehead) Oh yeah!
(SUPER BLOND knocks on door, JUANITA answers.)
JUANITA: Hola y welcome to the casa de la senorita Claire the blond trainer.
SUPER BLOND: Like, who are you, and, like, where is Claire?
JUANITA: I am Juanita the maid, an ex-nun.
CLAIRE (walking into room): That will be all, Juanita. Okay, Super Blond, do you think you will be able to cooperate today? I see you’ve been practicing that walking lesson I gave you.
(Cut to shot of SUPER BLOND’s legs--they are covered in bruises.)
SUPER BLOND: Tee-hee! I forgot the right then left part and I fell coming out of that thing I have . . . that thing where I have all that stuff . . . it’s in those bottles, and the other stuff, it’s hot, it comes out of the--
CLAIRE: The shower?
SUPER BLOND: Oh yeah, I forgot!
CLAIRE: Look Blondie, I think you had better come in. I’ve got a mission for you and Dying Person.
(They walk further in and meet DYING PERSON, who crawls in from another hallway.)
CLAIRE: This mission is highly secretive, and since you two could very well be the world’s only hope, you will have to accompany me to the secret room.
SUPER BLOND: Tee-hee! Like, wow! A like, secret room, tee-hee!
DYING PERSON: This is so exciting.
(They walk into the room. The walls are bare and the only furniture is a table with three chairs. CLAIRE sits in one, SUPER BLOND helps DYING PERSON into another, then sits herself.)
CLAIRE: Here goes--
SUPER BLOND: What goes? I can’t go very far. I’m still getting the hang of that "right then left" thing!
CLAIRE: Not you, the mission! What are you? Some kind of idiot? Never mind. This is the problem. The Blond Trainers’ Network has informed me that a representative from a huge business conglomerate is on his way here in five minutes. It is your job to stop him before he tries to sell you something. Do you understand your mission? (slowly) Is It Clear To You? Do You Know What You Have To Do?
SUPER BLOND: Tee-hee-hee, yeah! Right, then left, right? Or was it left, then right . . .
CLAIRE (interrupting): NOO! You are the most idiotic blond I have ever worked with! I doubt you know what blond is, let alone what dumb means!
SUPER BLOND: Hey, like, I do too! It means like . . . ummm . . . wait! I, like, know this, it’s like . . .
CLAIRE (yelling): You can’t tie your shoes, read anything with more than three letters--you can’t even walk! Your sidekick is half dead and your skirt is just disgusting!
SUPER BLOND: Huh? Are you, like, mad at me?
(CLAIRE sits, puts head on table and sobs, banging fists on table.)
CLAIRE: No! What an idiot! Why do I get stuck with all the morons? I should have been a ventriloquist or a doctor! Please, just get them out of here--the bimbo and the urgent care patient of the month! Send them away!
SUPER BLOND: Like, I think she’s, like, mad! (looks at DYING PERSON as if coming to a divine realization) Hey! Dying Person, you’re like bleeding or something. Do you, like, want help or like whatever?
DYING PERSON (coughing): God, you’re dumb.
SUPER BLOND: Like, what was that?
DYING PERSON: Uh . . . I said she’s sucking her thumb . . . yeah, that was it.
(Cut to shot of CLAIRE, curled up in corner, sucking her thumb.)
DYING PERSON: Wow . . . I’m good.
SUPER BLOND: Like eeew, that is nast-tee! How like, fungusy! Like gross! Like her thumb is like in her mouth. Dying Person, you are like, so like observant and like, stuff!
(JUANITA enters.)
JUANITA: Someone is here to see you, Senorita Claire.
SUPER BLOND: Uh-oh, like, what if it’s like, that business guy?
DYING PERSON: Come on!
(SUPER BLOND trips toward the front door, DYING PERSON crawls after her. ED MCMAHON is standing there, holding a check for ten million dollar. Along with him is DICK CLARK.)
ED MCMAHON: Hi! I’m Ed McMahon with Publishers’ Clearing House, a major business conglomerate. Are you Claire Grimm, blond trainer extraordinaire?
(SUPER BLOND looks around frantically for some sort of solution. Her eyes finally rest on a book that is sitting on the table by the door, How to Get Rid of Telemarketers1.)
SUPER BLOND (after flipping through it): Um, I know you aren’t really a big bad employee of a business conglomerate! I realize that you have like, a little Eddie just like, waiting to like, escape and you need to say to that inner child, "Eddie I like, really love you and I like, want you to know that I will never forget all the fun we had . . . ED MCMAHON: What are you talking about? Where is Claire? SUPER BLOND: Sure, I’ll like, let you meet Claire. Just like, come in and we’ll discuss her over a nice warm cup of like, chicken blood! ED MCMAHON: Look lady, I don’t know what your problem is, but I have to deliver this to Claire Grimm, and I won’t leave until I do that. This is my job. I don’t do much anymore and I at least want to do this, do you understand me? SUPER BLOND: Sure, just like, talk it over with the inner Eddie and I’ll be right back! (SUPER BLOND walks to the bathroom.. DYING PERSON follows.) SUPER BLOND: Like, time for a costume change. Dying Person, want some? DYING PERSON: Oh sure! We’re in the middle of fighting evil and you want to play beauty parlor! (JUANITA enters.) JUANITA: Hola senoritas, que pasa? ANNOUNCER: As our heroes exchanged beauty secrets in the bathroom, Ed McMahon did some quick research. (ED MCMAHON flips through books while DICK CLARK watches) He discovered that Super Blond’s one weakness is Kryptonite Brand Chocolate Ice Cream. He sent his associate Dick Clark to get some and decided to play along until the bait arrived. (SUPER BLOND, JUANITA and DYING PERSON all emerge from bathroom.) SUPER BLOND: SO, like, how’s the inner Eddie? ED MCMAHON: He’s not so good, Super Blond. I think you were right. I think I need to reach out and touch him so that I knows I’m here. SUPER BLOND: Wow, this is like, so powerful! I was, like, right about something! It’s, like, a Fuji Film moment! (DICK CLARK arrives, screeching around the corner in the ice cream car. SUPER BLOND sees the car and runs to it. DICK CLARK gives her some ice cream.) SUPER BLOND: Like, darn! (BUFFINGTON walks up.) BUFFINGTON: This is just the sort of thing that happens when the lower classes receive junk mail. (Cut to a shot of the Buffy sign as it is read.) DEARDRIE: Oh, Buffy! DYING PERSON: Hey jerk! I have as much right to junk mail as the next guy! OTHER GDI CHARACTERS: Yeah! (Random GDI CHARACTERS appear and beat BUFFINTON to the ground.) DEARDRIE: Buffy? Buffy? (BUFFINGTON lies in a mangled pile in the front yard. The CHARACTERS walk away.) ANNOUNCER: And so, the fearless, yet completely idiotic Super Blond has lost the battle . . . or has she? Stay tuned for next week’s episode, entitled "Revenge of the Prize patrol," or "Ed McMahon’s Severed Head."
(Fade out. Credits.)
1In Alive at Five III we did a commercial for this (made up) book. Back to where you were.