Star Trek: The Undiscovered Episode script
part 1

Act 1
Scene 1

Opening credits. Fade into a long shot of the Enterprise as it flies through space. After she cruises past the camera, fade into a close up of the saucer section coming at the camera.

KIRK (voice-over as the Enterprise flies about): Captain's Log, Stardate 3860.3. The Enterprise is en route to the Klingon-Federation border for patrol duty. There have been several incidents at nearby starbases that lie near the Neutral Zone. Starfleet has routed us here in order to make Federation presence felt.

Fade into a wide shot of the Enterprise bridge. Everyone is at their posts, and McCOY is standing behind the Captain's chair. CHEKOV is a stand-me-up poster person. SCOTTY is not present. Zoom into KIRK who is reading a Star Wars book.

KIRK (voice-over): Our orders are to patrol the space near the Neutral Zone, keep the Klingons from invading Federation territory, and, if necessary, blow them up.

Zoom out to SULU and CHEKOV so that KIRK is out of focus in the background.

SULU: Three hours from the Neutral Zone at present speed. (he flicks CHEKOV) And sir, there's something wrong with Chekov. He's cardboard.

Focus on KIRK.

KIRK: I know, Mr. Sulu. Dr. McCoy said that it would take a few weeks to wear off, but he'll be fine. Maintain course and speed.

Cut to SULU.

SULU: Aye, sir.

Move to wide shot of bridge. BUFFINGTON enters and walks over to KIRK.

BUFFINGTON : This is just the sort of thing that happens when the lower classes are given a starship.

KIRK looks at BUFFINGTON and punches him out.

CALLER (off-screen): Oh, Buffy! . . . Buffy?

Cut to a shot of BUFFINGTON Cut to the Buffy sign. The sign is read. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Whatever.

Bleeps. Cut to UHURA who has the Ear Thingy in her ear.

UHURA (punching buttons): Sir, we're receiving a subspace transmission. Shall I put it on?

KIRK (off-screen): Yes, Lieutenant.

UHURA (punching more buttons): Aye, sir. We have audio only.

PRANK CALLER (tinny-sounding voice-over): Hello. Is your warp drive running?

KIRK glances toward SPOCK. Cut to SPOCK who raises an eyebrow. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK (disgusted): Third time this week. Report it to Starfleet Headquarters, Uhura. (cut to a wide shot of the bridge) We have rules against this sort of thing.

SCENE 2

Cut to a wide shot of the Enterprise flying along. An alien ship approaches. Cut to a wide shot of the bridge.

SPOCK: Captain (cut to SPOCK), sensors indicate a small craft approaching at warp speed. It does not conform to any known specifications.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: Send out a friendly greeting on all frequencies.

UHURA (off-screen): Aye, sir.

Move to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: Keptin! The ship is dropping out of warp.

Move to SPOCK.

SPOCK: Power readings are fluxuating--

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: Red alert!

The annoying klaxon comes on and the red alert light starts to blink. The Enterprise shakes violently. Cut to a wide shot of the bridge. Everyone lurches. When all is still again, zoom to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: Damage reports coming in from all decks . . . No major injuries. Shields are holding--barely.

Cut to KIRK and McCOY.

KIRK: They fired on us without warning while we were transmitting a friendly message.

McCOY: Who would stoop so low?

Cut to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: The Maldassians?

Cut to KIRK and McCOY.

KIRK: No. They can't help it. They're midgets.

McCOY rolls his eyes. A button on KIRK's chair bleeps. KIRK punches a button and SCOTTY comes on over the intercom.

SCOTTY (as SCOTTY speaks zoom to a close up of KIRK): Captain, we're losing power to the engines. At this rate, we'll lose all power to the warp drive in less than ten minutes.

KIRK: Get us out of here, Mr. Sulu, Warp Factor Six. And turn off that damn noise.

SULU hits buttons. The klaxon turns off, but the red alert light continues to blink. He stops and looks up.

SULU: Captain, we've lost control of the ship. The helm isn't responding.

Cut to KIRK. KIRK glances sideways, displeased. Cut to a shot of SULU and CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: There's something very familiar about this.

SULU looks at CHEKOV. Cut to a wide shot of the bridge. The ship shakes again.

SULU: Our shields are down.

KIRK hits a button on his chair.

KIRK: Status, Mr. Scott.

SCOTTY (on intercom): Impulse engines are off-line and we've lost warp power.

KIRK: You'd better find it quickly. We're sitting ducks.

SCOTTY (on intercom): We're working on it, but it's going to take a while.

KIRK: Good luck, Scotty. Kirk out.

KIRK hits the button again and looks worried. Cut to an exterior shot of the Enterprise and the alien ship. Cut back to the Enterprise bridge. KIRK gets up and heads toward SPOCK.

KIRK: Spock, can you pinpoint the source of the power drain?

Zoom into a shot of only KIRK and SPOCK. SPOCK puts a schematic of the alien ship up on a smaller viewer.

SPOCK: Yes. It is a small, concentrated energy beam emitting from this array (the camera follows as he points) on the ventral side of the craft. (SPOCK examines the Blue Light Special) Fascinating. The ship seems to be running entirely on Cuisinart power.

Cut to a profile shot of KIRK and SPOCK.

KIRK (impressed by the Cuisinart power): Cuisinart . . . if I remember, there was a brief usage of Cuisinart power in the late Twentieth Century.

SPOCK: Yes. However, despite the potential for almost limitless power from a few Cuisinart plants, the attempt was abandoned when people realized that they were exposing themselves to dangerous amounts of finely chopped vegetables.

KIRK: Hmm . . . I suppose they've found a way to avoid the carrot juice by-product. (pause) Is there any chance that our phasers could disrupt that beam (points at the array on the schematic) long enough for Scotty to restore temporary power?

SPOCK: Perhaps, but I would advise against it. The modulation of the beam is in a constant state of flux. I cannot get an accurate reading of it, and if our phasers were set to the wrong frequency, they could be deflected by the beam, and--

KIRK: --and bounced back at the Enterprise. Without our shields, we'd do more damage or destroy ourselves completely. We can't risk that.

There is a bleep. Cut to UHURA.

UHURA: I'm receiving a transmission from the alien vessel. Shall I put it on?

Pick up KIRK and follow him as he scurries to his chair.

KIRK: Yes.

Cut to the viewscreen. The Enterprise's view of the alien ship gives way to an alien in front of an odd background. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK (angrily): What have you done to my ship?

Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG (a sock puppet): What do you expect? An answer? Puh-leeese.

Cut to KIRK. KIRK is mad. The camera follows his gaze as he glances at SPOCK, who is standing at his station. McCOY is standing below and to the side of SPOCK.

SPOCK: Fascinating.

McCOY rolls his eyes. Cut back to the viewscreen.

M'ARG: Now, let's get down to the particulars. . . . I am called M'arg by my peers. Are you the captain of this vessel?

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: I am.

Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: Now listen to me. We have come to your pathetically small, underdeveloped galaxy to inspect it for intelligent life worthy of continued existence. Overcrowding in our home galaxy has forced us to expand beyond its boundaries in search of new real estate. (reaction shots of the crew) However, we do not co-habitate well with other life-forms. But we will not evict a race or confederation of races that can prove themselves to be worthy of being allowed to continue down their evolutionary path. (cut back to M'ARG) If not, however, we will have no compunction about completely annihilating you and all other life-forms indigenous to this galaxy in order to make room for us.

Cut to McCOY and KIRK. McCOY is standing behind KIRK's chair.

McCOY: This is an outrage! How can you call yourselves civilized if this is how you treat alien races? You have no right to do this to anyone! Why--

KIRK (to McCOY): Bones . . . (to M'ARG) Sorry, this galaxy is taken.

Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: I sincerely urge you to take this seriously, Captain. We have already proven our superiority by rendering your ship immobile.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Believe me, we're taking this very seriously. Now, if you'll give us a few minutes to think of why humanity is the ultimate culmination of evoloution in this galaxy.

Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: But of course, Captain . . . I believe your data banks said "Quirk."

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK (annoyed): Kirk.

Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: Kirk, Quirk. Whatever.

Cut to McCOY.

McCOY (as he moves in front of KIRK): You're crazy, Jim. You're gonna argue the merits of humanity with him? (appealing to SPOCK) Is anyone on this ship sane?

SPOCK gives McCOY a look.

McCOY: I should know by now.

KIRK holds up a silencing hand.

KIRK: We have to give it a try. Uhura, have Scotty report to the bridge.

UHURA: Aye, sir.

KIRK (looking around): Any ideas?

Fade to a long shot of the Enterprise and the alien ship with music.

SCENE 3

Fade into a wide shot of the bridge. All bridge crew are talking together in a cluster near CHEKOV's station. Ad-libbed suggestions such as "silly putty" and "erasable ink pens" are bandied about. Cut to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: Keptin!

Cut to a wide shot of the bridge. KIRK turns toward CHEKOV from counseling with SPOCK, McCOY, SULU, and UHURA. M'ARG is back on the viewscreen. KIRK scuttles to stand in front of his chair, SPOCK meanders back to the science station, and the others take their places. Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: I've given you long enough. Well? What evidence do you have? Why is it that we should spare your puny civilization?

Cut to KIRK and McCOY who are standing near the captain's chair.

McCOY: They didn't warn us about situations like this in the Academy.

KIRK: We've learned to peacefully coexist with countless species. We've improved the lives of thousands of people.

Cut to M'ARG. He shakes his head. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: We've made amazing advances in technology. We can travel great distances in our starships. Our goal is peaceful exploration of--

Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: Don't give me that song and dance, Quirk.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK (angry): Kirk. It's Kirk.

SPOCK (saunters to KIRK's side): Dyslexic, Captain.

KIRK nods knowingly. Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: Who asked you, Sock? Anyway, that is beside the point. You have yet to prove your superiority. You're going to have to do better.

Cut to a close up of KIRK.

KIRK: There's always disco.

The camera zooms out super quick as KIRK and the rest of the crew strike the quintessential disco pose as the song Staying Alive comes on. After some dancing cut to M'ARG who is swinging his head with the music. Cut back to the bridge. The turbolift door opens. SCOTTY enters. He gapes at the crew. SPOCK walks up.

SCOTTY: What the devil is going on up here, Mr. Spock?

SPOCK: Do not worry, Mr. Scott. Participation is not compulsory. However, I advise you not to ask any questions.

SCOTTY nods knowingly.

SCOTTY: I see your point.

SPOCK: Fascinating.

SCOTTY looks at SPOCK strangely. Move back to a wide shot that covers the entire bridge and its dancing officers. KIRK stops and looks thoughtful.

KIRK: Then again, maybe disco doesn't sum up the entire canon of human existence as well as I thought. (the rest of the crew dancing) Spock, you can stop the music.

Cut to SPOCK, who goes to his station and hits a button.

SPOCK (music off): Thank you, Captain.

McCOY (strolling over to SPOCK, smiling): Don't you like our poor old human music? (pause) No wonder.

Follow SCOTTY as he walks past McCOY and SPOCK and up to KIRK. The shot encompasses both of them.

SCOTTY (mystified): What was all that fuss about, Captain?

KIRK: Fate of the galaxy.

SCOTTY: Again?

KIRK nods, makes an affirmative noise, and turns to the viewscreen. Cut to M'ARG. M'ARG is still moving slightly to the beat. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Well, M'arg?

Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: We'll think about it.

The transmission terminates. Shot of the full-size starfield viewscreen with the back of KIRK's head in one corner of the foreground. He turns to face the rest of the bridge, rubbing his hands together. Move to SCOTTY.

SCOTTY: With all due respect, Captain, I think I'll be going back to Engineering. I don't know how to dance.

SCOTTY exits to the turbolift as the camera moves back to KIRK who nods. There is a bleep. Move to UHURA.

UHURA: We're receiving a transmission, sir.

Cut to KIRK who is straightening his uniform and slicking his hair.

KIRK: Put it on, Lieutenant.

UHURA: Aye, sir.

Cut to the viewscreen. M'ARG appears.

M'ARG: We have reached our decision.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: And?

Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: Your species is far too entertaining to evict and destroy. To deprive future generations of such excellent comic relief would be a terrible crime. (cut to McCOY, who frowns) You see, we do have morals. (McCOY snorts and we cut back to M'ARG) We will have to continue our search elsewhere.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: We're glad you feel that way. Now, about returning control of our ship . . .

Cut back to M'ARG.

M'ARG: Of course, Captain Kirk. (emphasis on "Kirk") Oh, say, do you do parties?

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK (flatly): No.

Cut to M'ARG.

M'ARG: I suspected as much. No matter. I will now take our leave of you. See you in syndication.

The viewscreen blinks back to the starfield. Cut to KIRK, who frowns in confusion. The camera follows the characters' line of sight as KIRK looks at McCOY, who shrugs and looks at SULU, who shrugs and looks at CHEKOV, who shrugs and looks at SPOCK, who shrugs and looks at UHURA, who shrugs and looks at KIRK.

KIRK: Continue on our original course, Mr. Chekov.

CHEKOV: Aye aye, Keptin.

CHEKOV and SULU punch buttons as the camera zooms out to the entire bridge. Cut to a shot of the Enterprise flying off.

SCENE 4

Cut to a wide shot of the Enterprise bridge.

CHEKOV (alarmed): Keptin, (cut to a shot of CHEKOV) sensors indicate three minutes of this introductory teaser are left.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Spock, are you picking up any plot points on the scanners?

Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: Negative, Captain. Increasing sensors to full range.

Cut to KIRK, who is chewing on a fingernail.

SCENE 5

Cut to a corridor. McCOY and DANA are walking down it. CREWMAN ADDY passes them. They look at him. They round a corner and come to a dead body face down. The body is dressed in a The Next Generation jumpsuit. DANA is very frightened. She jumps back.

McCOY: Calm down, Dana. Remember: it's just as afraid of you as you are of it. If you run now, you'll be running forever. Are you gonna be all right?

DANA nods. Follow McCOY kneels beside the body and scans it with his handy-dandy little medical cork thingy.

McCOY: He's dead.

KIRK comes on over the intercom. Follow McCOY as he stands up next to DANA as KIRK talks.

KIRK (tinny-sounding voice-over): All hands, this is the captain. We are in desperate need of a story line. If you have any lead, report it immediately.

McCOY and DANA look at each other. McCOY hits the intercom panel.

McCOY: Jim, I've got a dead man down here.

KIRK (on intercom): What's wrong with him?

McCOY: Nothing. He's just dead.

KIRK (on intercom): What killed him, Bones?

McCOY: I'm not sure, but my guess would be death.

KIRK (on intercom and getting impatient): Bones . . .

McCOY: Hang on a minute, Jim. I'll see who he is.

McCOY hits the button again then kneels down again and rolls the body over. He is obviously not a crewman. McCOY is disappointed. He stands up and hits the intercom panel again.

McCOY: It's no good, Jim. He's one of those guys from that newfangled show. "The Next" something. I wonder how he got here. Sorry. McCoy out.

SCENE 6

Cut to a close up of KIRK in his chair. He looks around, then at SPOCK as he speaks.

SPOCK: Captain. (cut to SPOCK) Sensors indicate something at bearing two-three-four, mark seven.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: On viewscreen.

Cut to the viewscreen. A slightly spherical thing is there. Cut to CHEKOV and SULU who look at each other. Cut to UHURA as she scrutinizes it. Cut to KIRK. Move with KIRK who gets up to stand by the railing next to SPOCK. Both are in the shot.

KIRK: What is it, Mr. Spock?

SPOCK: An ossificated allichromatic amalgamation of chromite, zirconium, and silicon phosphate formed around a template of limonite which is fringed by an intergrown foliated polysynthetic twining of pseudomorphed orthorhombic protobrochanite barite crystals with a fibrous infrastructure made up of a lead sulfide alloy.

KIRK: Meaning . . .

SPOCK: It is essentially a large space rock.

KIRK: So . . .

SPOCK: It is not our story line.

KIRK frowns and goes back to his chair and sits.

KIRK: How much time do we have left, Mr. Sulu?

Cut to SULU.

SULU: Sensors indicate there are thirty seconds of this teaser left.

KIRK: Take evasive maneuvers, Sulu. (some lurching) Spock, are you picking up any story lines?

SPOCK (studying the Blue Light Special): Negative, Capt-- No. Correction. Readings indicate a plot point at bearing seven-three-one, mark two.

KIRK: Plot an intercept course, Mr. Sulu. All ahead, Warp Factor Six.

SULU: Aye, sir.

SULU lays in the course. Shot of the Etch-a-Sketch navigational display. Shot of SULU who engages and then looks up. Fade out as the camera zooms out to show more of the bridge.

Act 2
Scene 1

The "Space" intro from the original series rolls. The names of the GDI actors cover the actual actors' names. Fade into a medium shot of the Enterprise flying upside down and backwards. The "beginning" music plays. It fades out slowly.

KIRK (voice-over): Captain's Log, Stardate 3860.4. The Enterprise is currently engaged in-- Waaiit a minute. Something's not right here. Scotty!

Fade into a new scene. The Enterprise cruises majestically past upside down but at least it's going forward.

KIRK (voice-over): Something is still wrong. Mr. Spock, can you confirm that?

SPOCK (voice-over): Yes, Captain. We seem to be disoriented in some way.

KIRK (voice-over): Let's try it again, Mr. Scott.

SCOTTY (voice-over): Aye, sir.

Fade into a new scene as the Enterprise flies past right-side-up and backwards.

KIRK (voice-over with muffled grumbles in the background): No, no, no.

Fade into a new scene. The Enterprise is flying correctly. It flies past the camera and then cut to a shot of it flying at the camera.

KIRK (voice-over): Stardate 3860.4. Dear Diary, we are about to arrive at the plot point. We are not sure what we will find out there, but anything would be an improvement on what we've been doing for the last couple of scenes.

Scene 2

Fade into a wide shot of the bridge. SPOCK and McCOY are absent. Zoom into CHEKOV, who is at the Blue Light Special.

CHEKOV: Picking up something on sensors. Keptin!

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: What is it, Chekov?

Cut to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: It's some kind of ship. I've never seen anything like it.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Put it on the main viewscreen.

Cut to the viewscreen. The alien ship appears. It is a made-over flashlight. Cut to a wide shot of the bridge. The crew is not impressed. UHURA is trying to yank the Ear thingy out of her ear. KIRK squints at the viewscreen, then looks around.

KIRK (to UHURA): Where are Spock and Bones?

Cut to UHURA. She finally gets the Ear Thingy out. She frowns at it and tosses it over her shoulder. Move to a passing RED SHIRT #1 who catches it, looks at it, sticks it in his/her ear and leaves the bridge. Move back to UHURA.

UHURA (to KIRK): They're in sickbay. Spock is helping Dr. McCoy perform an experiment to see why every medicine he puts in his hyposprays is red.

Cut to KIRK. He looks to the side, thinking.

KIRK: I was wondering about that. Tell them that they're needed on the bridge, Lieutenant.

Cut to UHURA.

UHURA (turning to her buttons): Aye, sir.

Cut to KIRK who puts his chin on his hand and looks ahead resolutely.

Scene 3

Cut to sickbay. McCOY is scrutinizing some random piece of technology. He gets some readings, slams his hand on the table, and turns away from the random piece of technology.

McCOY: More negative results! I'm running every test I can think of and they all come back negative! This is going nowhere. (turning and jabbing a finger at SPOCK who has been watching distractedly) If things get any worse I'm going to ask you to stop helping me!

SPOCK cocks his head. In the background RED SHIRT #1 walks into sickbay. Focus on and follow her as she walks up to McCOY.

RED SHIRT #1: I, uh, don't want to bother you, Doctor, but I've got this thing stuck in my ear and it, uh, won't come out.

McCOY examines her.

RED SHIRT #1: I feel kind of silly.

McCOY (administering via hypospray): Well, you shouldn't. You'd be surprised how many people have this problem. There. Just wait a few minutes, and it'll come right out.

UHURA comes on the intercom.

UHURA (on intercom): Uhura to Doctor McCoy and Mr. Spock. Report to the bridge immediately.

SPOCK heads for the door. McCOY smiles at RED SHIRT #1 and follows SPOCK. Move back to RED SHIRT #1. She yanks the Ear Thingy out and leaves. Move to a shot of the ear thingy sitting on the table. Cut to the door as MEDICAL PERSON walks in. Focus on him. Hee is carrying a galactic clipboard. He walks to the Ear Thingy, examines it closely, sticks it in his ear, and walks away.

Scene 4

Cut to a shot of the turbolift doors on the bridge. They open and SPOCK and McCOY walk out. McCOY stands by KIRK's chair. As KIRK and McCOY and UHURA talk, follow SPOCK as he picks up CHEKOV from his place at the Blue Light Special and returns him to the helm.

SPOCK then stands behind KIRK's chair.

McCOY: What's going on Jim? We caught up to that plot point?

KIRK: Almost, Bones. We've got it on sensors.

Cut to UHURA.

UHURA: I'm getting a message on subspace.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Put it on.

Cut to the viewscreen. The starfield and alien ship give way to NEVILLE, another one of the sock puppet aliens.

NEVILLE: Hello, Captain.

Cut to the crew who sighs. Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: I am Neville. My brother M'arg has told me that you are an interesting species, and since I am a freelance testing alien, I led you here to my plot point. Your scheduled plot point was going to lead into a show about racial tolerance and the peaceful resolution of disagreements between old enemies with environmental overtones, but now that you're here you're just going to do some silly stuff.

NEVILLE laughs evilly. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Oh no we're not. Get us out of here, Mr. Sulu.

Cut to SULU.

SULU (after pushing buttons): I can't, sir. We've lost control of the ship.

Move to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: Not again.

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: Speaking of your ship, Captain, who designed it, anyway? Three-year-olds, from the look of it. I mean, come on. Maybe you were trying to get away from the Buck Rogers rocket ship motif but this is ridiculous. It looks like an accessorized Frisbee.

Cut to KIRK who gets up out of his chair and paces toward the viewscreen.

KIRK: We've had enough of your kind. Your threats don't frighten us. Tell us what you want and leave my ship alone.

Cut to NEVILLE. NEVILLE is not impressed.

NEVILLE: Were you talking to me? Your threats become tedious. So does your acting.

Cut to KIRK who glares. Cut back to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: I will now cut to the chase. My family, the esteemed family of Nee, has a long and proud tradition of keeping absolutely worthless heirlooms and passing them down through the generations.

Cut to a group shot around the captain's chair.

SPOCK: Why?

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE (peevishly): Everything's gotta have a reason, doesn't it? (he shakes his head) This is Clarence.

SPOCK: Fascinating. An opossum.

McCOY (glaring at SPOCK): Armadillo.

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: Clarence is the most valuable heriloom in my family. To us, our heirlooms are merely ancient trinkets, but for you puny things, Clarence could be a weapon of indescribable power. With one little command, entire planets could be destroyed. Entire fleets of your starships. You know, the works.

SPOCK: Indeed.

McCOY glances at SPOCK.

KIRK (impatiently): What does this have to do with us?

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: This is the exposition. Naturally we're going to see some slow, talky scenes. Just don't interrupt and we'll get through this a lot faster. As I was saying, for you, Clarence is weapon of nearly unlimited power. And I seem to have misplaced him.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Misplaced him?!

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: Coming from you, that's a little deep. Of course I've misplaced Clarence. That is the plot point, don't you see. You have to find him before someone who doesn't like you, such as, say, the Klingons do.

Cut to a group shot around the captain's chair. SPOCK and McCOY look at each other.

KIRK: What about the Klingons?

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: Oh, nothing really. I just think that they are the ones who will happen to come across Clarence. See, no big deal. Just the fate of the Federation in your hands again. You can handle that, can't you? That seems to be it. Oh, if you're at all interested in the Klingons, you might try that red planet over there. And in case you're at all interested, the Klingons' ship's name is the Lukor. Happy hunting.

The viewscreen goes blank. Cut to a wide shot the Enterprise bridge.

Scene 5

UHURA: We have to send a warning to Starfleet. They should know that the Klingons may have an apocalyptic weapon.

KIRK: Agreed. Uhura, send this message and--

McCOY and SPOCK approach the captain's chair.

SPOCK (strolling over to KIRK): Captain, Neville has already shown his ability to control the Enterprise. If we attempt to send a message, the odds are--

McCOY (walking over to the other side of KIRK): Don't quote the odds.

SPOCK: --that Neville would be able to read it. Given his attitude towards us, I doubt he would take kindly to such action.

KIRK: Don't remind me. For all we know, he could have had access to our computers.

UHURA: What we need is a code that isn't in our computer.

KIRK: That's right. . . . But what code . . .

UHURA: (thinks then brightens, snaps her fingers): Pocksay, ancay ouyay peaksay Igpay Atinlay?

SPOCK (raising eyebrows): Tiay ightmay orkway, Hurauay.

KIRK: Uhura, do you know Pig Latin?

UHURA (smiles): Of course I do. I'm encoding all relevant information now. (pushes buttons) I'll send it to Starfleet, top priority, and ask them for a recommendation.

KIRK: Good, Lieutenant. Tell them to send it through as soon as possible.

KIRK settles in his chair to think. Pan to CHEKOV and SULU.

CHEKOV: I know Pig Latin. It was invented in Russia.

SULU looks at CHEKOV. There is a bleep. Cut to UHURA.

UHURA (at first with urgency): Message from Starfleet regarding our situation. (realizing that the communique is worthless) They say they're going to appoint a committee to appoint a committee to appoint a committee to study the situation. They'll have a preliminary recommendation for us by twenty-three hundred hours.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: That's twelve hours from now.

Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: Twelve hours, forty-three minutes and seventeen seconds.

KIRK: Of course. Thank you, Mr. Spock.

McCOY: Bureaucrats.

Zoom into KIRK as he speaks.

KIRK: That's that. It looks like we're on our own.

Scene 6

Fade into a shot of the Enterprise cruising along. Cut to a wide shot of the bridge. The entire cast except for SCOTTY and McCOY is there. Everyone is bustling around. Suddenly the ship shakes. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: What was that?

Cut to SULU.

SULU: Nothing. Someone just shook the camera again.

Cut to KIRK. He nods. MEDICAL PERSON enters the bridge. He/she has a galactic clipboard in one hand and is using the other to yank at the Ear Thingy. MEDICAL PERSON hands KIRK the galactic clipboard. KIRK frowns at it, then writes something on it. Cut to show that it is a game of tic-tac-toe. KIRK has just won. KIRK passes it on to UHURA. KIRK and UHURA proceed to play hangman in the background. Cut to RED SHIRT #2 as he/she approaches MEDICAL PERSON as MEDICAL PERSON is about to leave the bridge.

RED SHIRT #2: Here. You've got that thing in your ear again, haven't you? Let me get it out for you.

RED SHIRT #2 removes the Ear Thingy.

RED SHIRT #2 (holding up the Ear Thingy): See? Nothing to it.

MEDICAL PERSON: Thank you very much.

RED SHIRT #2: Any time. You know, I've had that same problem before.

RED SHIRT #2 grins, sticks the Ear Thingy in his/her ear and he/she and MEDICAL PERSON leave arm in arm. Move back to KIRK and UHURA.

KIRK: L?

UHURA: No.

KIRK: Hmmmm . . . J?

UHURA (studying the galactic clipboard): Yes.

UHURA passes KIRK the galactic clipboard. KIRK studies it and hands it back.

KIRK: How about--

THE DIRECTOR walks up to KIRK and UHURA.

THE DIRECTOR: Excuse me, excuse me, but is anything going to happen here?

KIRK and UHURA look blankly at THE DIRECTOR. As THE DIRECTOR talks, KIRK and UHURA are puzzled.

THE DIRECTOR (agitated): You know, is anything vital to the plot going to happen any time soon? Or are you just going to sit around and, and play these little games? Are you going to do anything interesting? C'mon, look, I've got the cameras rolling here and we're wasting money. Do you want the special effects budget to be cut again, because that's what we're looking at here.

KIRK (concerned about the budget): No, no, that's really not necessary.

UHURA: Nothing important will happen here for a while.

KIRK: Yes, you can go on and do something else. It's all right.

KIRK and UHURA look at THE DIRECTOR and then at each other, nodding all the time.

THE DIRECTOR (to KIRK and UHURA): All right, then. (turning and talking to the camera crew) Okay everybody. We're moving out for now.

THE DIRECTOR: (heading for the camera) Who hires these people anyway?

THE DIRECTOR walks back to the camera and turns it off.

 Scene 7

A shot of a Klingon attack cruiser as it flies past the camera and a red planet. The Imperial March is playing. On the ship is a small bumper sticker that says "How's my driving?" Fade into the Klingon bridge. The Klingon captain, K'AARG, is lounging in the captain's chair. He is stroking his pet Targ, FLUFFY. His three officers, KOHL, K'RAFT, and KO'PHOEBE, are at their posts. The shot encompasses all of the Klingons.

KOHL: 'ar nI ghaj ma'oy che'roj jot Sungpu'? d'oH'noy vI Doy' ju'HoH chaH ghobe'batlh. nuqDaq a'Qatlh?

[How much longer must we oppress the peaceful, harmonious natives? I tire of killing these honorless slugs. Where is the challenge?]

KO'PHOEBE: Hlja. (khi-JA) vI nelt Suv'teH grubpu'.

[Yes. I long to battle real warriors.]

K'AARG: mev beplI. 'oy'ma ratlh naDev poH ma'Hev ra' moch. jIv ma'Qu leng gobe'batlh.

[Stop your complaining. We must stay here until we receive orders from our superiors. To ignore our duty would be honorless.]

KOHL notices the subtitles.

KOHL (pointing): nuq chaH?

[What are these?]

K'AARG shoves KOHL out of his way and stares at the subtitles. He is puzzled. K'RAFT approaches meekly.

K'RAFT: vI'Har chaH'docH mu'tampu'.

[I believe those are subtitles.]

K'AARG: quatlh chaH'naDev? nuq qaS'docH mughwI'n'.

[Why are they here? What happened to the Universal Translator?]

KOHL: 'oH cha' vaj'ta lan. Toc ghor'ta Qav Hogh. ghagH Sep'baH.

[It is in the shop. Toc broke it last week. He has been sacked.]

K'AARG sighs is disgust.

K'AARG: Ha'maH chom Hleem ej jatlh DenIbya'Qatlh vaD'poH. Hoch vaD tlhIngan QIch jn'let qawHaq.

[Let's start over and speak English this time. All this Klingon dialogue is hard to memorize.]

Scene 8

Cut to a shot of the Klingon bridge. K'AARG is curling his hair. Zoom in to the three crew. KOHL produces a mirror from his belt and begins to primp. The Imperial March stops. He notices something about his hair that he does not like.

KOHL (banging his fist in rage): I thought I took care of these darn split ends last week. I suppose I haven't been using enough conditioner lately.

Cut to K'RAFT.

K'RAFT: Well, at least yours isn't as bad as mine. It has absolutely no body.

KOHL walks over to K'RAFT.

KOHL: I think my perm is growing out already.

K'RAFT: So soon?

KOHL: Yes. That dishonorable stylist has cheated me again! I should have killed him when he first sold me that stinking shampoo. Do you know what it did to my roots?

K'RAFT (styling his hair): What do you think? Does it look better up or down?

K'AARG strolls over.

K'AARG: Down. But it is a tad too frizzy. You must fix that if you expect to serve long on my ship.

KO'PHOEBE swaggers over.

KO'PHOEBE: My stylist, André loves my new look. He says that my hair is looking better than ever since I added those red highlights. And I've been using more moose. It has wonderful texture. (boastfully) I think that it is better than all of yours put together.

K'AARG: You forget who you are in the presence of! I am K'aarg of the House of Ro'hstal. (K'AARG gets in KO'PHOEBE's face) And your captain. No one's hair is better than mine! (standing up to full height) Your "new look" looks like a mop I once saw my mother using to clean the Targ cages back on the Homeworld.

KO'PHOEBE (grabbing his combat comb): You dishonor my hair!

K'AARG: What is there to dishonor?

KO'PHOEBE: You are not one to talk, K'aarg.

K'AARG: I could French braid before you could lift a bat'telh. Now you dare insult my hair's honor? You, a lice-carrying, dandruff-infested coward!

KO'PHOEBE: I will take no more insults from a fool who cannot even part his hair straightly!

K'AARG draws his combat comb. K'RAFT steps between the combatants.

K'RAFT: Be careful. You could poke your eye out!

KO'PHOEBE pushes K'RAFT out of the way. The two combatants circle warily.

K'AARG: I hope that your combat comb is as big as your talk, Ko'Phoebe.

KO'PHOEBE and K'AARG fight. K'RAFT and KOHL watch closely. FLUFFY watches hungrily. The fight ends when K'AARG stabs KO'PHOEBE with his combat comb. KO'PHOEBE yanks out the combat comb, holds it up, snarls at K'AARG and dies. K'AARG snatches his combat comb, wipes it clean and sheathes it.

K'AARG: Would anyone else care to make a comment about my hair?

K'RAFT and KOHL shake their heads.

K'AARG: Good. We must get back to exploiting the natives of that planet. Prepare--

K'RAFT: What is it?

KOHL starts to approach it, disrupter in hand. K'AARG puts out his hand to stop KOHL.

K'AARG: I will examine it, Kohl.

K'AARG snatches the disrupter and approaches cautiously.

K'RAFT: I think that it is an opossum.

K'AARG (hitting K'RAFT): You fool. It is obviously an armadillo.

K'RAFT is not convinced but doesn't say anything. K'AARG works his way close enough and snatches Clarence up. The other two Klingons gather around to inspect Clarence. K'AARG sniffs Clarence.

K'AARG: What is this on its tail?

KOHL (gingerly unwrapping the boa and holding it up): I believe that it is a feather boa.

K'AARG makes a disgusted noise and K'RAFT leans away from it.

K'AARG (snatching the boa): This is an abomination to any true Klingon.

KOHL: We should destroy it.

K'RAFT nods.

K'AARG sets the boa down on a console, draws his disrupter, and fires. The boa disappears. K'AARG puts his disrupter away and starts to examine Clarence.

K'AARG: Now . . .

KOHL: What does it do?

K'AARG: Perhaps there is something written on it.

K'AARG turns Clarence over. KOHL and K'RAFT crowd closer. There is nothing written on it. The Klingons look at each other.

K'AARG (thinks): It must be a weapon!

KOHL: What else could it be?

K'RAFT: An opossum?

K'AARG: Do not be a fool! It is obviously a weapon.

KOHL: Disguised as an armadillo.

K'AARG: That's it! We must find out how to use it! With it the Empire can destroy the Federation and rule the galaxy.

They begin poking it and hitting it. After a bit K'AARG stops KOHL and K'RAFT.

K'AARG: This is not working. I will give it to our science department for further study.

K'RAFT: But we don't have a science department.

K'AARG: Why must you always bring up these points, K'Raft? It is annoying. Besides, we don't need an official science department. We can just give it to that person over there. (shouting to STAGEHAND) Hey!

Move to STAGEHAND who is sitting on a bench by a camera. STAGEHAND is wearing a baseball cap that says "VBA" on it. K'AARG tosses Clarence to a startled STAGEHAND. Cut to a shot of both.

K'AARG: Here. Study this. Find out how to operate it.

STAGEHAND: That's not in my contract.

K'AARG walks up menacingly to STAGEHAND. He draws his disrupter.

K'AARG: Now it is.

STAGEHAND: I guess I just didn't read the fine print.

K'AARG (shoving STAGEHAND): Get to work.

K'AARG turns to face his crew.

K'AARG: K'Raft, you are in charge of reporting our science department's findings to me. As soon as we learn how to work this weapon, we can attack whoever we want. Now, we are behind schedule. We must get back to setting up a cruel, repressive military dictatorship aimed at exploiting the vaguely medieval, peaceful natives of this planet that we are orbiting.

Cut to KOHL and K'RAFT.

KOHL: Why can't they be war-like natives? I grow bored of these simpletons. They are too stupid to resist.

K'RAFT nods in agreement with KOHL. Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Have we ever exploited a war-like culture with the common sense to fight back?

Cut to KOHL and K'RAFT. They shake their heads "no." Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: There you have it. (aggressively) Get to your posts.

As the two lesser Klingons get to work, zoom in on K'AARG, who smiles evilly while menacing music plays.

Scene 9

A side shot of the Enterprise flying to the tune of The Blue Danube. The shot goes on for a long time. Cut to a shot of the Enterprise flying at the camera.

KIRK: Captain's Log, Stardate 2001. We are taking the advice of the alien, Neville, and are currently on course for the closest red planet, Epsilon Alpha Cappa Sigma Mu Beta Theta Omega IV.

The Enterprise hits the camera. Cut to a wide shot of the bridge. McCOY and SCOTTY are not present. Everyone lurches. CHEKOV falls out of his seat. Move to KIRK as he climbs back into his chair.

KIRK: What was that?

SPOCK: Sensors indicate that it was a Sony Hi8 format Handycam, model number CCD-TR600.

Cut to UHURA.

UHURA: Third time this week.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: (hitting a button on his chair arm): Mr. Scott, have we sustained any damage?

SCOTTY (on intercom): We're a wee bit shaken up, but there's nothing to worry about.

KIRK: Alright, Scotty. Kirk out. (hits the button again) Have we been knocked off course, Mr. Sulu?

Move to SULU.

SULU: No, sir. We are still on course for Epsilon Alpha Cappa Sigma Mu Beta Theta Omega VI.

 KIRK: Maintain course and speed. Oh, (cut to CHEKOV on the floor) will someone fix Chekov?

Cut to SULU. He reaches over and pulls CHEKOV up.

CHEKOV: Thank you.

SULU smiles. Fade into a rear shot of the Enterprise flying toward the red planet, which can be seen as a small red sphere in the distance. Zoom past the Enterprise until the red planet fills up the whole frame.

Scene 10

Fade into a shot of some Klingons beating up on some helpless natives. The natives are dressed in garish sheets and flippers. On their heads are headbands with little glittery stars on springs on them. Pan to K'AARG who is standing off to the side and watching proudly. His communicator beeps. He snatches it up angrily.

K'AARG: What is it, K'Raft? I am busy overseeing the subjugation of these pathetic, pacifistic indiginies.

K'RAFT (over the communicator): We are picking up a Federation vessel on our long-range scans.

K'AARG (making a disgusted noise): Is he headed for the planet?

K'RAFT (over the communicator): Yes.

K'AARG looks around him, thinking.

K'AARG: Can we operate the weapon yet?

K'RAFT (over the communicator): No. Our science department is not working as hard as possible. We have tried hitting it, but that has not helped. It seems (stops to think of the right word) depressed.

K'AARG: Tell it that the beatings will continue until morale improves.

K'RAFT (over the communicator): What about the Federation starship?

K'AARG: We cannot risk an engagement now. Prepare to leave orbit. (shouting to his troops) We must leave now. (groaning from the troops) But I will make it up to you. We will have many huge battles when we learn to operate the weapon, and we will will earn glory and honor and many fine complementary tupperware sets. If we are patient, we will be the most powerful force in the galaxy with the best-stored left-overs.

The troops cheer. K'AARG looks evil. Fade out with threatening music.

Scene 11

Fade into the Enterprise cruising. The Blue Danube is playing. Cut to a shot of SULU. The Blue Danube fades. SULU looks up.

SULU: Approaching Epsilon Alpha Cappa Sigma Mu Beta Theta Omega IV.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: Establish a non-standard orbit.

Move to SULU.

SULU: Aye, sir.

Cut to a shot of the Enterprise orbiting the planet. Cut to the bridge. McCOY is present. KIRK stands up.

KIRK: We'll beam down to investigate. Spock, McCoy, Chekov, you're on the landing party. (the crewwhips out party hats and noise makers) Not that kind of party. (the party stuff is out away) Uhura, have Ensign umm . . . Oh, just send anybody. It's not important. They'll probably get killed anyway. Have them meet us in Transporter Room Three and a Half.

KIRK, SPOCK, and McCOY head for the turbolift. They stand in the turbolift, waiting for CHEKOV.

KIRK: Mr. Chekov, are you coming?

Cut to a shot of CHEKOV. SULU gives him a nudge. CHEKOV falls out of his seat. Cut to the turbolift. KIRK throws up his hands.

KIRK: Spock, fetch Mr. Chekov, will you?

SPOCK tucks CHEKOV under his arm and tries to fit him in the turbolift. In the process he hits McCOY with CHEKOV.

McCOY: Watch what you're doing with him, you green-blooded, pointy-eared . . .

McCOY continues. Finally room is found, but when the turbolift door close, CHEKOV's legs are still hanging out.

McCOY (from inside the turbolift): Oh, that's going to hurt. Great, Spock, just great.

SPOCK (from inside the turbolift): It is not my fault. As I recall, it was on your advice that Mr. Chekov approached the High Drac of the Draob Corporate without properly--

McCOY (from inside the turbolift): Who suggested that we should beam down into their--

KIRK (anguished shout over the arguing from inside the turbolift): Computer! Transporter Room Three and a Half.

Scene 12

Cut to a wide shot of Transporter Room Three and a Half. SCOTTY is standing at the controls. KIRK, SPOCK, McCOY, and RED SHIRT #2 enter. All are carrying landing party equipment. SPOCK and McCOY are still arguing via brilliant ad libs. CHEKOV is still being carried. RED SHIRT #2 is tugging at the Ear Thingy. SCOTTY approaches RED SHIRT #2 as the others take their places on the transporter.

SCOTTY: Here, lad. Let me get that for you.

SCOTTY removes the Ear Thingy. He smiles.

SCOTTY: There you are. Good as new.

RED SHIRT #2 (amazed at SCOTTY's success): Thank you. I was beginning to think I'd never get it out.

SCOTTY: My pleasure. It's all in the wrist.

SCOTTY slaps RED SHIRT #2 on the back and herds him to the transporter pad. SCOTTY returns to the controls. He needs two hands to manage the controls, so he sticks the Ear Thingy in his ear. Then he hits some buttons and looks up.

SCOTTY: Ready, Captain?

KIRK: Yes, Mr. Scott. Energize.

Cut to SCOTTY. He slides his fingers up the controls. The "transporter noise" starts. Cut to the landing party. Nothing is happening. After a few seconds, the noise stops and the landing party looks around, confused. CHEKOV, who has been apparently standing on his own, falls flat on his face. McCOY glares at SPOCK.

KIRK: What's wrong?

Cut to SCOTTY.

SCOTTY (mystified): I don't know. It's probably some plot device (he flips a few switches then surrenders) or we went over the transporter budget this week. You'll just have to use the shuttlecraft.

The landing party sighs collectively. McCOY picks up CHEKOV as they file off the transporter pad. KIRK turns to RED SHIRT #2.

KIRK: Ensign, er . . .

RED SHIRT #2: Garibraldi, sir.

KIRK: Ensign Garibraldi, you stay here. We don't need that many people. Besides, you'll probably die before you become important to the plot. We lose more crew members that way.

RED SHIRT #2 shrugs and walks off.

Scene 13

Cut to a windshield shot of the shuttlecraft Galileo. KIRK and CHEKOV are in the front and SPOCK and McCOY are in the back.

CHEKOV: Keptin, we are ready to launch.

KIRK: Proceed, Mr. Chekov.

CHEKOV: Here we go.

Cut to a clip from The Immunity Syndrome of the Galileo getting set to launch. Cut to a shot of the interior. Everyone is pushing buttons. The windshield wipers come on. KIRK looks at CHEKOV strangely.

KIRK: Would you mind telling me just what those are for, Mr. Chekov?

CHEKOV: What if we run into a meteor shower, Keptin?

KIRK looks straight ahead and takes a deep breath. SPOCK and McCOY look at each other. Cut to a shot of the Galileo approaching Epsilon Alpha Cappa Sigma Mu Beta Theta Omega IV. Cut to the interior of the Galileo.

KIRK: Take us down, Mr. Chekov.

Cut to a shot of the Galileo getting even closer to Epsilon Alpha Cappa Sigma Mu Beta Theta Omega IV. It hits the planet. Cut to a shot of everyone in the shuttlecraft lurching. When all is still KIRK puts his hand over his face and McCOY shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

Scene 14

Cut to a wide shot of a scrubby habitat. Pan across the scenery until the Galileo comes into view. The door opens. McCOY, SPOCK, and KIRK emerge. KIRK starts to lead the way off when they realize that CHEKOV is still in the shuttlecraft. KIRK throws up his hands, then retrieves CHEKOV. The landing party heads off, KIRK carrying CHEKOV, and SPOCK and McCOY taking readings. Cut to a different angle. The landing party walks up to the camera and stops so that all members are facing the camera. They are mystified by something--the camera--right in front of them. They frown intensely at it.

KIRK: What do you make of it, Spock?

SPOCK consults his tricorder. Nothing happens.

SPOCK (turning to McCOY): Doctor, do you have any AAs?

McCOY grudgingly hands over two AA batteries while muttering to himself.

SPOCK: Thank you.

McCOY frowns as SPOCK puts the batteries in his tricorder. The tricorder makes an annoying noise.

SPOCK: Hmmmm. Fascinating. (he picks up the camera and tripod and examines it) This is indicative of an established culture.

KIRK: But where are they? We need to see if they have anything to do with Clarence.

SPOCK (consulting the tricorder): I believe that we should proceed in that direction.

SPOCK sets the camera down so that it is facing the way that the landing party is headed. They file around it and walk off past some flowers.

KIRK: Watch out for those flowers.

Scene 15

SPOCK: Picking up some life-form readings, dead ahead. I believe that it is some sort of camp.

KIRK leans CHEKOV against a tree and pulls out his communicator. Move to a close up of KIRK.

KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise.

SCOTTY (over the communicator): Scott here, Captain.

KIRK: We've found some natives. We're going to attempt to talk with them. We'll keep you appraised of the situation. Kirk out.

KIRK puts away his communicator and pulls out his phaser. Move so that CHEKOV is also in the shot.

KIRK (to CHEKOV): You stay here, Chekov, and watch out for Klingons.

CHEKOV: Aye sir.

KIRK: Let's go.

Scene 16

The landing party, sans CHEKOV, pushes through the bushes and appear in the camp. They look around. Cut to a shot of the camp. There is a tent and there are canoe paddles leaning against it. Several of the aliens are doing campy things. Cut to a shot of one boiling hot dogs on a Coleman. Others are mingling. An alien notices the landing party. He grabs a paddle and runs at the landing party with a yell. Cut the landing party. KIRK aims his phaser. Cut to a wide shot of the scene. KIRK shoots the alien who falls down, stunned. The stunned alien gets up and staggers off. Cut to the other aliens, who cluster around. They debate and finally shove one of their number forward. The rest go back to the camp. Cut to the alien who was pushed forward. She cautiously approaches the landing party. KIRK puts the phaser away.

ALIEN (BREEZY DERF): Who are you? Where do you come from?

KIRK: We are travellers from . . . (waving vaguely) over there. I am Kirk, this is Mr. Spock, and this is Dr. McCoy. We mean you no harm. If he had not attacked us, we would not have hurt him.

ALIEN (BREEZY DERF): Oh, you are concerned about Hayes Porter Doorman. That is okay. He is an annoying pariah, and we do not like him much. Do not think any more of it. Anyway, I am Breezy Derf. On the behalf of the FetterSur Silnat Camp, I welcome you. (she motions them to follow) Come. Sit by our Coleman and share our hash-browns.

KIRK, SPOCK, and McCOY exchange puzzled glances, but they follow BREEZY DERF.

SPOCK: Captain, what are hash browns?

McCOY: You're saying you don't know what a hash brown is? You're the Science Officer, you should know these things . . .

Scene 17

BREEZY DERF leads them to the Coleman where the others are sitting on colored towels. McCOY winds up the hash brown tirade. They all stand up as they are introduced.

BREEZY DERF: This is Lisform Saltz Root, Ebb Teck Mickey, and Tawny Walnut Compass. Sit, friends.

Everyone sits. The cook, LISFORM SALTZ ROOT, starts to distribute hot dogs covered in ketchup from a squeeze bottle and hash browns in typical camping bowls.

LISFORM SALTZ ROOT (handing KIRK a bowl): Welcome to our feast.

KIRK looks at the food and is not impressed. He puts the bowl down.

KIRK: We really don't have time to eat. We're here to find some Klingons.

BREEZY DERF: Then you must speak to the High Exalted Proctor of our Camp.

KIRK: Who?

TAWNY WALNUT COMPASS (awed): You must speak to Rip Rocky Mip Fleet.

KIRK (standing up): Then take me to him.

McCOY walks over near KIRK.

McCOY (to the aliens): A minute alone?

Cut to the aliens who nod. McCOY drags KIRK off a way. SPOCK meanders after them.

Scene 18

McCOY: Are you sure this is such a great idea? How reliable can these people be? You saw what they tried to feed us. Besides what can they know about an armadillo that's supposed to be the ultimate weapon?

SPOCK (wandering past): Opossum.

McCOY (to SPOCK): You stay out of this.

SPOCK: The fact remains that--

KIRK (holding up a hand): Spock, Bones.

McCOY (to KIRK): I think it's a trap. We should get Chekov and leave. We can stop at an information kiosk or lost and found booth and ask about Clarence there. These people won't know about an ultimate weapon or anything else. Just look at their clothes.

KIRK: I think you're overreacting, Bones. And this is our best lead. (smiling) Besides, if you're so worried, you can come along to watch for trouble.

KIRK hands McCOY his phaser and heads off for the Coleman. McCOY looks at the phaser in disgust, and stomps off after KIRK. SPOCK looks on.

McCOY: I'm a doctor, not a bodyguard.

Scene 19

KIRK approaches the group around the Coleman again.

KIRK: I'd like to talk with this Proctor.

BREEZY DERF (standing up): I will take you to Rip Rock Mip Fleet, the High Exalted Proctor. Come.

BREEZY DERF heads for the tent. KIRK and McCOY and SPOCK follow. BREEZY DERF stops in front of the tent.

BREEZY DERF: Oh, High Exalted Proctor of the Camp of FetterSur Silnat, I have brought you visitors.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET (from inside the tent): Goody.

BREEZY DERF: Then you will accept them?

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: Are you kidding?

BREEZY DERF unzips the tent door and stands aside. KIRK and McCOY enter. SPOCK stands to one side and watches.

Scene 20

Cut to a different angle. KIRK and McCOY sit down in front of RIP ROCK MIP FLEET who is draped in many tasteless robes.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: Hi. I'm the High Exalted Proctor of the Camp of FetterSur Silnat, an ex-nun.

KIRK and McCOY look at each other.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: I see that you have come a long way to ask me some questions. Proceed.

KIRK: Thank you. We are looking for a grayish statue that is probably about (he holds up his hands) this big.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: What is this a figure of?

McCOY: An armadillo.

Cut to the outside of the tent and SPOCK. SPOCK, who had been looking off away from the tent, turns to look at it. Cut back to the interior of the tent.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: I have never heard the name of which you speak, but I don't think that we've had one of those around here.

KIRK thinks.

KIRK: Then have you seen any other aliens besides us around here? Large, aggressive, with faces that are different from ours?

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: With foreheads that look as if they'd been run over by snow tires?

KIRK and McCOY don't know what he is referring to.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: With foreheads that look like large omelets?

KIRK (a little unsure): Yes.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: Oh, yes. They were here by the dozens. They were hostile. These Klingons attacked our camp and killed most of our people.

KIRK (to McCOY): They've violated Federation Space.

McCOY: What else is new?

KIRK (to RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET): Didn't you fight back?

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: We tried our anger management courses, but they did not work on the Klingons. But none of this is important. The Klingons left this morning.

KIRK: Where did they go?

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: Away in their ship.

KIRK is frustrated.

KIRK: We must find them. They have Clarence, and it's only a matter of time before they find out how to use it.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: Did you say "Clarence"?

KIRK (uncertain): Yes.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: We will help you. The Klingons must not have Clarence.

McCOY: How can you help us?

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: We are not as primitive as we seem. We are actually superior pacifist aliens. Our home doesn't really look like this; it only appears so to you.

KIRK: What does it look like then?

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET gets up and leads them out of the tent. SPOCK looks on.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET (pointing): There.

SPOCK: Stock footage.

KIRK (in an undertone): Spock, be nice to the superior aliens. We need them to help us. (louder, to RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET) How do you intend to help us?

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET (as he pulls something out from his robes and hands it to KIRK): With this.

SPOCK scans it with the tricorder.

KIRK (examining it): What is it?

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: It is a stapler.

KIRK staples his finger.

KIRK: Ow!

McCOY shakes his head and walks over to KIRK, getting out his medical stuff. McCOY snatches the stapler away from KIRK and hands it to SPOCK. As McCOY fixes KIRK's, finger SPOCK looks at RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET for an explanation.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: Just tie the stapler into your navigational system, and you'll be able to track the Klingons wherever they go.

KIRK walks over.

KIRK (to RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET): Thank you. (to SPOCK and McCOY) Let's go.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET (intercepting KIRK): Wait. I've been meaning to ask you . . . what do you call that delightful color that you're wearing?

KIRK: My tailor calls it puke yellow, but I prefer to think of it as . . . ocher.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET: Ah. (he fingers his robes) I must get some. (standing aside) And now, farewell.

RIP ROCKY MIP FLEET waves as the landing party sets off. Cut to the other aliens waving. Move to the landing party walking off.

Scene 21

Cut to a shot of CHEKOV lying on the ground. As the landing party passes, McCOY picks him up and dusts him off. KIRK calls the Enterprise.

KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise.

SCOTTY (via communicator): Scott here.

KIRK: We have found a way to track the Klingons. Be prepared to leave orbit as soon as we arrive.

SCOTTY (via communicator): Captain, you don't have to wait. We can get a transporter lock on you now.

KIRK: How? I thought you said you couldn't.

SCOTTY (via communicator): I can't explain it. One moment we couldn't, and the next we could. Are you ready to go?

KIRK: What about the Galileo? We can't leave her.

SCOTTY (via communicator): Why not? Every time we use it, we either get stranded on some strange planet, or we wind up flying into a giant space amoeba and almost dying.

KIRK (shrugs): If you say so. Beam us up, Scotty.

Scene 22

KIRK walks over to SCOTTY who still has the Ear Thingy. The others file off, too.

KIRK: We have a device that will allow us to track the Klingons wherever they go. Can you tie it into the navigational system?

SCOTTY: I'd have to see it, but--

SPOCK sets the stapler on the controls. SCOTTY looks at it strangely.

SCOTTY: I'll see what I can do, Captain.

KIRK: And get that thing out of your ear. It's silly.

SCOTTY takes the Ear Thingy out and tosses it away.

SCOTTY: Good riddance.

Scene 23

Fade into a shot of the helm. The stapler is sitting on top of it, next to the red alert light. SCOTTY pops up next to it. He holds an engineering tool next to it. The tool makes an annoying noise.

SCOTTY (to KIRK): That ought to do it. Give her a try.

Move to SULU.

SULU: I'm getting coordinates.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Plot a course and engage at Warp Seven.

Act 3

Scene 1

Fade in on the Enterprise cruising.

KIRK (voice-over): Captain's Log, Stardate Tuesday. The stapler that the FetterSur Silnat aliens of Epsilon Alpha Cappa Sigma Mu Beta Theta Omega IV gave us is leading us to the edge of the Klingon-Federation Neutral Zone. The only Federation outpost in this sector is Science Station 43. We will arrive in four hours. In the meantime, the bridge crew is relaxing in Rec Room Three.

Cut to Recreation Room Three. SCOTTY, UHURA, and SULU are trying to stand CHEKOV up, but he keeps falling over. KIRK, SPOCK, and McCOY are playing 3-D Monopoly. McCOY is the banker. KIRK rolls the dice and moves his piece. When he stops, he notices where he has landed and is upset.

KIRK: Park Place! This is the third time today.

McCOY: Bad luck, Jim.

KIRK glances at McCOY.

SPOCK: There is no such thing as luck--

KIRK AND McCOY (in unison): --only random chance.

KIRK (holding up his remaining money): This is more than random chance.

SPOCK: Nonetheless, you owe me (consults card) one thousand three hundred dollars.

KIRK: It looks like I need another loan, Bones.

McCOY counts off many bills and gives them to KIRK, who gives them to SPOCK. Then McCOY rolls the dice. Cut to a shot of McCOY's piece being moved. It stops on Boardwalk. Cut to a shot of everybody. McCOY is displeased.

McCOY: How much do I owe you, Spock?

SPOCK: Six hundred dollars.

McCOY: Only?

McCOY counts off some bills.

McCOY: One plus two plus one plus one . . . (McCOY holds the money out and SPOCK shakes his head)

McCOY (recounting): One plus two plus one plus one plus one. Or is it two plus one plus-- Oh, forget it! Just take it all!

McCOY tosses all the money over.

KIRK (to SPOCK): Is this how you win all your games?

The WAR PROTESTERS enter and walk in a circle around KIRK, SPOCK, and McCOY, chanting their "War! War! War! We want war!" slogan.

KIRK: Do you mind?

WAR PROTESTER #1 (glancing at KIRK): All right, man. (yelling to people off screen) Hey, guys, let's give them a song.

Cut to three WAR PROTESTERS sitting in a corner. Their signs are hung on the wall. They start to sing Give War A Chance. Cut to KIRK and Company.

KIRK: Get out of here.

WAR PROTESTER #2: But, like we were going to have a candel light vigil for the victims of peacetime in the eventing, man.

KIRK: I'm going to call security.

WAR PROTESTER #3: Lighten up, man. Fine. We'll go. C'mon, guys.

All the WAR PROTESTERS leave.

RED SHIRT #3 (in a nasal voice over the intercom): We are approaching Science Station 43. All essential characters, report to the bridge.

KIRK sweeps the Monopoly pieces off the boards into the box. KIRK, SPOCK and McCOY stand up and head out. Cut to the group around CHEKOV.

RED SHIRT #3 (in a nasal voice over the intercom): Attention all decks. There is a Blue Light Special on Deck 12, Aisle 9.

UHURA, SULU, and SCOTTY look at each other. SULU picks up CHEKOV. They head out.

Scene 2

Cut to the bridge. Everyone enters from the turbolift and goes to their posts. There is a beep. Move to UHURA.

UHURA: Captain, we are receiving a distress call from Science Station 43.

KIRK: On viewscreen.

UHURA: Aye, sir.

UHURA punches buttons. Cut to the viewscreen. The SCIENCE STATION PERSONNEL come on. They are all wearing those silly glasses with the big nose and little moustache. THE POPE is in the background.

SCIENCE STATION PERSONNEL (in unison): The Enterprise! Thank goodness you've arrived!

FIRST SCIENCE STATION PERSONNEL: The Klingons were just here!

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: What did they want?

SECOND SCIENCE STATION PERSONNEL: First they disabled our defenses. Then they said that they wanted us to test something called "Clarence." They said that their research facilities were insufficient, and that we must help them or they would blow us up.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Do you have Clarence?

Cut to SECOND SCIENCE STATION PERSONNEL.

SECOND SCIENCE STATION PERSONNEL: No. They never beamed it over.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Where are the Klingons now?

THIRD SCIENCE STATION PERSONNEL: They cloaked as soon as we picked you up on our sensors.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Spock, do your sensors pick up any Klingon vessels?

Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: No, Captain. They appear to be cloaked and the stapler seems to be malfunctioning. We cannot track the Klingon vesel.

Move to SCOTTY, who leaves his chair muttering and inspects the stapler.

SCOTTY (opening the top up and flipping it upside down): It's useless. She's out of fuel.

Scene 3

Cut to a shot of empty space. A Klingon ship de-cloaks. Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: A Klingon vessel is de-cloaking.

Cut to SULU.

SULU: Captain, there are Klingons off the starboard bow.

Move to KIRK. He moves his hands to figure out which side is starboard. He figures it out and starts barking out orders.

KIRK: Shields up!

Move to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: Shields up, Keptin.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: Ready phasers! Arm photon torpedoes!

Move to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: Phasers ready. Photon torpedoes armed, Keptin.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK (calmly): Hail them.

Move to UHURA.

UHURA: Captain, the Klingons are hailing us.

Move to KIRK. He is impressed.

KIRK (slicking his hair): On main viewscreen.

UHURA: Yes, sir.

Cut to the viewscreen. K'AARG appears to the Imperial March or Fortuna Imperatix Mundi. K'AARG's crew can be seen in the background.

K'AARG: Ah, you would be Captain Quirk of the Enterprise.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: That's "Kirk."

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Whatever.

Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: How did you know that this is the Enterprise and who her captain is?

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: How do I know anything? I read the script. And a little TV doesn't hurt.

Cut to SPOCK, who thinks it over. Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Captain . . . I have heard much about you. (K'AARG looks him over) Nice suit. That's, uh, puke yellow, isn't it?

Cut to KIRK. He is displeased.

KIRK: No. (performs the Picard Maneuver) Erhm. You realize, Captain . . . er . . .

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: K'aarg.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Captain Karg.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: No, that's "K'aarg" with two "A"s. And don't forget the apostrophe. (he holds up a sign with his name on it) Please, continue.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Anyway. You've trespassed into Federation territory, in violation of treaty--

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Yes, yes. I know.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK (holding up one finger): Could I finish just one sentence?

Cut to K'AARG. He makes a "continue" gesture with an insincere smile on his face. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Thank you very much. You're in Federation territory, you've harassed a Federation outpost, and you're going to have to leave.

Cut to K'AARG. He laughs evilly.

K'AARG: That is where you are wrong, Captain. The Lukor goes where she pleases. Kohl, lab DaH!

[Kohl, transmit the code!]

Cut to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: Keptin! Our shields are down!

Move to KIRK. He walks to the helm and stares at the controls.

KIRK: How?

As SPOCK speaks, KIRK walks over to him.

SPOCK: The Klingons would appear to have our command codes, Captain.

KIRK (to himself): This is worse than when we encountered the Floating Head of Zsa Zsa Gabor. (louder) How could they have gotten them, Spock?

SPOCK (making a "here is the church" style steeple with his hands): There would seem to be only one logical explanation. Someone gave them the codes.

Cut to reaction shots of the rest of the crew. Cut to KIRK and SPOCK.

KIRK (in the background SPOCK finishes off the "here is the church" hand maneuver): Who?

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Admiral Sarnoff, of course.

Cut to KIRK and SPOCK.

KIRK (snaps): I wasn't talking to you.

Cut to K'AARG. He shrugs and goes back to cleaning his nails with a knife. Cut to KIRK and SPOCK.

SPOCK: This confirms my suspicions, Captain.

KIRK: And those are?

SPOCK: Sarnoff is a Klingon.

Cut to reaction shots of the rest of the crew. Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: You are correct. (he cocks his head) You are commendably brilliant, Spock. Have you ever considered a career change? Lots of room for advancement on, oh, say, (gestures around) a Klingon ship.

Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: Thank you, Captain, but no.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Why not?

Cut to SPOCK and KIRK.

SPOCK: You are opportunistic jackals who raid the edges of Federation space in your monumentally antisocial plans to rule the galaxy.

KIRK: And you have a lousy dental plan.

SPOCK agrees. Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG (thinks for a moment): I could do something about the dental plan.

Cut to KIRK and SPOCK.

SPOCK: Sorry, no.

SPOCK hits buttons industriously. Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Oh well. No matter. That just means that I get to kill you, too. (grins) Is this a great day or what? (the crew snarl in agreement and K'AARG silences them with a wave) Now, (very threatening) Captain Kirk, you will surrender your ship and crew to me in five minutes.

Cut to KIRK. He walks to his chair and sits in it.

KIRK: And why would I do a thing like that?

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Because if you don't, I'll blow you and your ship and your crew into little tiny pieces with a photon torpedo in a huge and physically improbable explosion.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Can I just surrender the crew?

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: No.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: How about just myself?

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: No.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Me and the crew.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: No.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: What if I throw in Spock?

Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: Captain.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Tempting, but no. He'd probably complain about the food.

Cut to SPOCK. SPOCK agrees. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: This is is non-negotiable. We will not surrender.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: You may want to change your mind. I will wait three minutes. You are welcome to discuss terms at any time. I'm always listening. And if you don't surrender . . . Heghlu'meH QaQ QeyHa' be'nal.

[Today is a good day to diet.]

The viewscreen's picture changes to a big Klingon symbol. Cut to UHURA and SCOTTY who look at each other strangely. Cut to the viewscreen. K'AARG comes back on.

K'AARG: What I meant was Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam.

[Today is a good day to die.]

Scene 4

Cut to KIRK. He looks around the bridge.

KIRK: Who has any suggestions?

Move to CHEKOV as he speaks.

CHEKOV: Seat belts. We are always falling out of our chairs when we are hit with something. We need seat belts.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: That's a good idea, but what are we going to do about the Klingons?

Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: Raise our shields.

KIRK walks over to SPOCK.

KIRK: Spock, we can't raise the shields. The Klingons have our command codes, and we're going to be blown up in one minute--

SPOCK: One minute, twenty-one seconds.

KIRK: Whatever. But the point is that we're going to be blown up very soon.

SPOCK: Not if we raise our shields.

KIRK: How, Spock?

SPOCK: By hitting that red button on Mr. Chekov's right.

KIRK: But the command codes--

SPOCK: I was prepared for this contingency, and the problem has been corrected.

KIRK: How did you know?

SPOCK: K'aarg is not the only one who reads the script before the show.

KIRK: That's a pathetic plot device. Who writes this stuff?

SPOCK: I do not know.

KIRK: Never mind. Chekov, raise shields.

Cut to CHEKOV. He sits in cardboard immobility. Cut to UHURA.

UHURA: He can't move, Captain. He's a cardboard stand-me-up poster person.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Anyone here is welcome to raise shields.

Move to SULU. He reaches over and hits a red button. He knocks CHEKOV over. Move to KIRK and SPOCK. KIRK outs his hand on his forehead.

SPOCK: Shields are up.

KIRK: We need a commercial break.

Act 4

Scene 1

Fade into the bridge. Move to UHURA.

UHURA: Captain, we are being hailed by the Klingons again.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: Now, Spock, are you sure that these are the right Klingons?

Move to SPOCK.

SPOCK: Yes, sir. They have clearly identified their vessel as the Lukor, the ship Neville mentioned.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: Put him on, Uhura.

Cut to the viewscreen. The starfield is replaced by a very close shot of K'AARG.

K'AARG: Get that thing out of my face.

K'AARG pushes the camera away. The shot changes to include the rest of the crew.

K'AARG: I'm claustrophobic. Ah, Kirk. I'm sorry my little plan didn't work out. Sarnoff! Come here!

K'AARG: Your codes didn't work, Sarnoff.

SARNOFF is scared.

K'AARG: But I'm not bitter.

Suddenly K'AARG whips out a knife and stabs SARNOFF. He falls over with a yell, clutching the knife. K'AARG glances at SARNOFF, then faces the camera.

K'AARG: What a great day.

Cut to the bridge. The crew doesn't agree with K'AARG. Cut back to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Now, Kirk, you're still alive. The Enterprise is a worthy opponent. (K'AARG grins a toothy grin) So . . . what are you doing here, anyway?

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: We have reason to believe that you are in possession of a (doesn't want to say "powerful weapon") priceless family treasure.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG (honestly in the dark): I don't know what you're talking about.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK (reluctantly): It is also a weapon. It's gray, and it has a tail that looks like a pink feather boa. It's a armadillo.

Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: Opossum.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Whatever. Now, K'aarg, will you admit that you have it?

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Yes, I admit it. We have it. What, by the way, is it called?

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Clarence.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Odd. But you'd better leave us to our business before I decide to blow you out of this quadrant.

Cut to SCOTTY.

SCOTTY: You lying villain. If you could operate that armadillo thing (SPOCK says "opossum" in the background) you'd have used it a long time ago.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: What charming help you manage to dig up, Kirk.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Let's get to the point. No one is safe as long as anyone has Clarence.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: You mean that you are not safe if the Klingon Empire controls Clarence.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Do you know what it does? Are you sure that it even works? Do you know how to operate it?

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: I am not concerned. If there's one thing Klingons know about, it's weapons.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Don't be so sure.

KIRK turns to UHURA and moves his finger across his throat. Move to UHURA.

UHURA: Communications severed.

Scene 2

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: We need to get Clarence, agreed?

SCOTTY: That'll be tough. Those Klingon devils won't want to just give Clarence to us, and I doubt we'll be able to trick them into beaming it over here.

KIRK: There's no way we could beam it over?

SCOTTY: Not unless the Klingons drop their shields.

SPOCK: The odds of that happening--

KIRK: Aren't very good, so we'll have to get aboard their ship somehow and distract them while one of us steals Clarence.

SULU: How can we do that?

KIRK: I have an idea. Hail the Lukor.

UHURA: Hailing them. They are responding.

Scene 3

Cut to the viewscreen. K'AARG appears. He is combing his hair. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Sorry about that, K'aarg. We had some technical difficulties. Now look, all I want is a little talk. Maybe we could work out a mutually beneficial solution.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG (slamming his comb down): No.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: We'll meet on your ship.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: No.

KIRK: A moment while I confer with my superiors.

K'AARG grumbles but nods. He is bored and plays paper, scissors, stone with K'RAFT as he waits. K'RAFT always loses. Cut to the Enterprise bridge.

KIRK: I'm going to tell them that we have been authorized to give them information in return for the destruction of Clarence. It will be an excuse to get on board their ship. When we're there, we can steal Clarence.

Cut to the Klingon bridge. They are still playing paper, scissors, stone. KIRK's voice stops the game.

KIRK: Captain K'aarg. (cut to KIRK) We are willing to be reasonable. We don't want Clarence. We don't want anyone to have it. (cut to K'AARG who is thinking) If you get rid of Clarence to our satisfaction, we are authorized to reimburse you with information you don't have.

K'AARG: A tempting offer.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: We have some lovely Samsonite that we could throw in.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Let me consult with my officers.

Scene 4

Cut to a different angle of K'AARG as he turns to talk with the others.

K'AARG: We can trick them into giving us the information--

K'RAFT: And the luggage.

K'AARG (glancing at K'RAFT): And keep Clarence, too.

KOHL: Guile. It is good. But why not kill them when they arrive?

K'AARG: That is no challenge, and there is no honor in it. Besides, we will need them to communicate our demands to the Federation and to convince Starfleet that Clarence is a real weapon, not just an armadillo.

K'RAFT: Opossum.

K'AARG (grabbing K'RAFT): Once more and I'll rip out your heart.

Scene 5

Cut to a different angle as K'AARG turns around to face the viewscreen.

K'AARG: Kirk, we acquiesce. Yourself and three other officers are invited to a diplomatic dinner. We will discuss terms then. We will prepare to beam you over in half an hour.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: We'll be ready. Until then, Captain.

Cut to K'AARG. He nods and growls, then terminates the communication. Cut to the bridge.

KIRK (hitting a button on his chair): Dr. McCoy, report to the bridge.

McCOY (on the intercom): I'm on my way, Jim.

KIRK stands up and looks around. McCOY arrives on the bridge. He walks over to KIRK.

KIRK (to McCOY): We just got through negotiating with the Klingons who have Clarence. We are invited to a diplomatic dinner. We are going to use the dinner as a distraction so someone can steal Clarence. Now we need a plan. . . .

Scene 6

Fade to the Klingon ship. K'AARG, KOHL, and K'RAFT are decked out in all their Klingon accessories. They are straightening their accoutrements and their hair.

K'AARG (turning to the others): Are you ready? KOHL and K'RAFT nod.

K'AARG: Do not forget our plan. We will be good Klingon hosts. We will feed them well. They will be put at ease. Then, after we are done eating, we will open negotiations. We will strike a deal after pretending to be intractable and unwilling to compromise. They will feel lucky to arrive at a bargain. The only condition we must have is that the information and Clarence are transported from each ship at the same time.

KOHL (delighted at the plan): But we won't beam Clarence to them when they beam us the data tapes. They won't know what happened until it is too late.

K'RAFT: I will be ready to engage the warp engines and escape into the Neutral Zone. They will be reluctant to follow us into Klingon territory.

KOHL: We will have Clarence and the information. We will be honored before the High Council.

K'RAFT: How do you come up with such great schemes?

K'AARG glances at K'RAFT and hits him.

K'AARG (self-praising): It is a perfect plan. The Federation is far too trusting for their own good. They will fall easily into our trap. Come, it is time. QuaplaH!

The Klingons hit themselves in their good-luck salute. K'AARG dazes himself, KOHL knocks himself over, and K'RAFT hurts his hand. They start to walk off.

K'AARG: Wait! (walks over to K'RAFT) Your forehead is crooked.

K'AARG straightens K'RAFT's forehead to his satisfaction, makes an approving noise, and walks off, followed by KOHL and K'RAFT.

Scene 7

Cut to Transporter Room Three and a Half. KIRK, SPOCK, McCOY, and CHEKOV are on the transporter pad. CHEKOV is being held up by McCOY. SCOTTY, UHURA, and SULU are standing at the controls. SCOTTY is in the middle.

KIRK: Scotty, you're in charge of beaming us out of there as soon as their shields go down.

Cut to SCOTTY.

SCOTTY: Aye, sir.

KIRK: Sulu, Uhura, you have the bridge. If the Klingons make any hostile moves, you are to act accordingly. Don't worry about us.

SULU and UHURA: Aye, sir.

Cut to the transporter pad. KIRK whips out his communicator.

KIRK: Kirk to the Lukor. We are ready for transport.

Scene 8

They rematerialize on the Klingon transporter. The backs of the waiting Klingon's heads can be seen in the foreground. KIRK and Company stand stiffly. K'AARG steps forward.

K'AARG: Greetings, Captain. (he nods) Mr. Spock. (to McCOY and CHEKOV) And you are?

McCOY: I'm Dr. McCoy, and this is Mr. Chekov.

CHEKOV falls over. K'AARG watches.

K'AARG: I see. (pause) What is wrong with him?

Cut to McCOY.

McCOY: He had an accident.

Cut to a wide shot of everyone.

K'AARG: I see. (pause) Allow me to introduce my senior staff, Kohl of the House of Duras, and K'Raft of the cursed House of Aaarrgg.

KIRK: Why is it cursed?

K'AARG: Don't ask.

K'RAFT: It is a long story.

K'AARG: If you will follow me. Our mess hall is this way.

Everyone walks off, following K'AARG's lead. McCOY carries CHEKOV. K'RAFT brings up the rear. Menacing music plays.

Scene 9

K'AARG: As a sign of good will, no weapons will be allowed in this room.

K'AARG and the others disarm. They walk forward. The door opens and K'AARG leads everyone through. They cluster around, looking at the table. Cut to the table which is covered with food. Suddenly FLUFFY comes dashing out, growling. Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: Dok'sha, Fluffy!

Cut to FLUFFY who lies down. Cut to the group.

McCOY: What the devil do you call that?

K'AARG: That is Fluffy, my Targ.

McCOY: Fluffy?

SPOCK: Targ?

K'AARG: It is not unlike a Terran dog to us. We keep them as pets. Do not worry, he will not attack you again.

K'AARG (gesturing): Sit down.

The Klingons sit on one side of the table and KIRK and Company, taking care to circumnavigate FLUFFY, take the other. Cut to CHEKOV and McCOY. McCOY tries to sit CHEKOV down, but can't.

CHEKOV: Don't worry about me, Doctor. Just put me on the floor. I'm not very hungry anyway, and besides, I'm on a diet..

McCOY shrugs and lays CHEKOV down behind the chairs. Everyone is seated. Cut to a shot of CHEKOV. FLUFFY lies down on him.

CHEKOV: Mmmph! I can't breathe.

Cut to K'AARG.

K'AARG: This is a traditional Klingon meal. (pan over the food) Our top chefs have worked on it.

The gagh moves. Pan up to McCOY who is scrutinizing it.

McCOY: Maybe it's a little under-cooked. This is still alive.

KOHL: As it should be.

K'AARG: What are you waiting for? (he uncorks a bottle of Bloodwine and passes it around) Eat!

Cut to a shot of everybody. The Klingons start to serve themselves. KIRK and Company are dubious, but start sampling the food. Various food gags. Cut to McCOY and SPOCK. McCOY adds a can of Spam to his plate. He looks at the other options and opens the Spam. He glances at SPOCK.

McCOY: Would you care for some, Spock?

SPOCK (examining it): No thank you, Doctor. I don't eat meat.

McCOY (poking it): This isn't meat . . . is it?

SPOCK: It's meat, but not as we know it.

McCOY has his doubts, but he dumps the can on his plate and starts to eat. Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: This is very . . . interesting. What do you call it?

K'AARG (enjoying himself): Stovo'ra. It is Morok eyeballs in a sauce of pureed Tarkan intestines.

Cut to KIRK. He looks green. Cut to K'AARG. He goes back to eating. A piece of food falls on the floor.

Scene 10

Cut to FLUFFY. He gets up off of CHEKOV and walks over and eats it. Cut back to CHEKOV. CHEKOV slides away and under the door. Tense music. Cut to the other side of the door. CHEKOV emerges and stands up. He then whips out a tricorder and scans. Cut to the tricorder's display. It beeps. CHEKOV walks off. He comes to another door. He puts the tricorder away and lays down. He slides under the door. Cut to the other side. CHEKOV emerges and stands up. Pan the room. STAGEHAND is sleeping on a chair. On a table is Clarence. CHEKOV walks over sneakily and takes Clarence. Then CHEKOV leaves the way he came and walks down the hall.

Scene 11

Cut to the dining room. Move to K'AARG. Everyone is finishing their meal.

K'AARG: We are done. It is time to open negotiations.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Yes. I propose that we start with a basic offer and go from there.

K'AARG: That is reasonable. What is your offer?

Cut to KIRK and Company.

KIRK: The Federation is willing to give the Klingon Empire the secret formula for Pantene revitalizing shampoo.

Cut to the Klingons. K'AARG is upset and stands up quickly.

K'AARG (thinking it over): Hmm . . . (he pulls at his hair) No. It is unacceptable. This is a poor deal.

Cut to the Enterprise people.

KIRK: I just thought that with you hair--

K'AARG (getting angry) I am insulted! (standing and pointing) Might I remind you, Kirk, that I could rip open your throat like a warm Pop Tart.

K'AARG grabs a Pop Tart and rips it in two. He leans across the table and is suddenly startled and outraged. Cut to a shot of the floor that CHEKOV used to occupy. Cut to a close up of K'AARG.

K'AARG: The thin one is gone! He must have Clarence!

Cut to a wide shot of the room. The Klingons and KIRK and Company jump up. The Klingons attack. KOHL runs at SPOCK who pinches his neck. Meanwhile K'RAFT attacks McCOY who whips out a hypospray and injects K'RAFT with it. K'AARG engages KIRK. SPOCK and McCOY look on. Finally KIRK punches K'AARG out. FLUFFY grows, but McCOY tosses some food to him.

KIRK: We have to find Chekov and beam out before anyone realizes what's happened.

Scene 12

They head for the door. It opens. Move down as KIRK steps out and almost steps on CHEKOV who is sliding along with Clarence on top of him.

CHEKOV: Hi, Keptin. I have Clarence.

KIRK: Good work. Now where should we go?

SPOCK: I suggest that we make for the bridge. From there we can lower the shields so we can beam out.

KIRK nods and picks up his phaser.

McCOY: You'd better have that ready, Jim.

KIRK (nods): I'll set it to "frappe."

McCOY and SPOCK look at each other. McCOY picks Clarence, hands it to SPOCK, and carries CHEKOV himself. SPOCK looks at Clarence strangely and pats it. They head off.

McCOY: Do you have any idea where you're going?

KIRK (not concerned): No.

McCOY glances at SPOCK.

McCOY: I didn't think so.

Scene 13

Cut to a shot of the Klingon bridge doors. They open and KIRK, SPOCK, and McCOY, carrying CHEKOV, step out. KIRK shoots the three Klingons there with his phaser.

KIRK: This is it. (looks around) The bridge.

SPOCK sets Clarence down and works a control panel.

SPOCK: Lowering shields.

McCOY: You hope.

SPOCK picks up Clarence again. KIRK yanks out his communicator.

KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise. Three to beam up.

They all stand together and are beamed up. Cut to the transporter room. KIRK, SPOCK, McCOY, and CHEKOV appear.

KIRK: Good work, Scotty. Kirk to bridge, plot a course for the nearest Starbase and engage at warp seven.

SULU (over intercom): Aye, sir.

Scene 14

Cut to the Klingon dining room. K'AARG and his crew come around.

K'AARG (noticing his hair): My hair is ruined. (his head clears and he stands as he looks around) We've been tricked! After them!

KOHL and K'RAFT scurry to obey.

K'AARG: Maximum warp! We will catch them and make them pay.

Scene 15

Cut to the Enterprise bridge. KIRK, SPOCK, McCOY and SCOTTY enter. McCOY is carrying CHEKOV who has the Ear Thingy in his ear. He places him at his post. SPOCK is still carrying Clarence. KIRK sits in his chair.

KIRK: Status, Mr. Sulu.

SULU: Warp eight and holding. The Klingon ship is in pursuit.

KIRK: Mr. Spock, do you know how to operate Clarence?

SPOCK: I do not, Captain.

KIRK: I suggest you find out. Bones, help him.

McCOY walks over to the science station and he and SPOCK puzzle over Clarence. McCOY tries tapping it on the head. Cut to SULU and CHEKOV. Space battle-type music is playing.

SULU: The Klingons are closing.

CHEKOV: They're powering up their weapons.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: Shields up, red alert.

The klaxon comes on and the light starts to blink. Move to KIRK.

KIRK: Take evasive maneuvers, Mr. Sulu.

Move to SULU and CHEKOV.

SULU: Aye, sir.

Shot of the Lukor catching up to the Enterprise. Cut to a wide shot of the Enterprise bridge.

CHEKOV: They're in weapons range. They're firing phasers.

KIRK: Brace for impact.

Everyone lurches. McCOY continues to try to operate Clarence.

SPOCK (looking at the Blue Light Special): Shields down to eighty-two percent.

KIRK: Return fire, Mr. Chekov.

Cut to a shot of the Enterprise firing phasers at the Lukor. The Lukor fires back. Loud music. Suddenly the "Intermission" sign and music comes on. When it's over, cut back to the bridge of the Enterprise. There is a lurch.

CHEKOV: Direct hit, Keptin.

Scene 16

Cut to the Klingon bridge. K'AARG is reveling in battle.

K'AARG: All power to shields and weapons, Kohl. We will blow them apart!

KOHL: Yes sir.

K'AARG: Fire!

Scene 17

Cut to the Enterprise bridge. There is a lurch.

KIRK: This can't last forever. Spock, Bones, how are you coming with Clarence?

Cut to a closer shot of SPOCK and McCOY. SPOCK has Clarence back. He is stroking it. McCOY looks at him strangely.

SPOCK: It does not appear to have any hidden control panel. (lurch) There are no obvious means of activating it.

SULU (in the background): We can't shake them.

McCOY: I can't make head or tails of it, Jim.

UHURA walks over.

UHURA: Why don't you try twisting its tail?

McCOY (incredulously): Twisting its tail?

SPOCK twists Clarence's tail. Clarence makes a funny noise. All three look at it strangely. They wait to see if anything else will happen.

McCOY: That's it? What kind of weapon is this?

CHEKOV (in the background): Returning fire.

UHURA: I don't understand.

SPOCK: Perhaps it is some kind of trick.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: I'd like to have a word with Neville.

NEVILLE: You called, Captain?

Scene 18

Cut to the viewscreen. NEVILLE is there. Cut to KIRK. SPOCK and McCOY and UHURA gather around his chair.

KIRK: What is the meaning of this, Neville?

McCOY (angry): All Clarence here does is make noises.

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE (mildly): I thought this might have happened.

Cut to McCOY.

McCOY: What might have happened?

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: I gave you the wrong thing. This here is my kid's old noise-making toy. It's been in the family for generations, you know. I'd been looking for it. I'm terribly sorry. I sent you the wrong family heirloom. I've had a bad millennium.

McCOY: So we don't have an apocalyptic weapon after all.

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: That's about the size of it.

Cut to a wide shot of the bridge. There is a lurch. Cut to SCOTTY.

SCOTTY: She can't hold together much longer, Captain. We're going to have to do something fast.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK: Thanks to you, we're being chased by bloodthirsty Klingons.

SPOCK: Perhaps you could eliminate them.

Cut to NEVILLE.

NEVILLE: Do I look like the good fairy? Help yourselves. Don't you have any anti-Klingon measures? Now, if you don't mind, I'm way behind schedule, so I'll just take Clarence and leave. Thank you for your time. It's been . . . silly.

Scene 19

Cut to the group around the captain's chair. SPOCK sets Clarence on the arm of the captain's chair. Clarence disappears. There is a lurch. Move to SULU and CHEKOV.

SULU: What about the Klingons, sir?

CHEKOV: There has to be something we can do.

Cut to SPOCK.

SPOCK: I believe that we recently picked up some dryer sheets from space station K-7.

Cut to the group around the captain's chair. KIRK jumps up.

KIRK: That's it! Anti-Klingon Dryer Sheets! (there is a lurch and KIRK falls down out of the shot but he pops back up) Modify a torpedo to fire the sheets.

EVERYONE (not at the same time exactly): Aye aye, sir.

Everyone gets to work. There is a lurch. Cut to a close up of SCOTTY.

SCOTTY: She's powered up.

Move to SPOCK.

SPOCK: Sheets loaded.

Move to CHEKOV.

CHEKOV: Locked onto target.

Move to KIRK.

KIRK: Fire!

Cut to a shot of the Enterprise firing a torpedo. Loud music. Cut to a close-up of the torpedo. It is a little black rounded box. The lid comes off and the sheets come floating out as it nears the Lukor.

Scene 20

Cut to the Klingon bridge--a medium shot of K'RAFT.

K'RAFT: Captain, the Enterprise has fired an unknown weapon.

K'AARG (standing up so he is in front of K'RAFT): What?

Cut to the dryer sheets as the unfurl and descend on the Lukor. The music becomes Chariots of Fire as they settle on the Lukor. Klingon yells can be heard faintly. The Lukor explodes, courtesy of Star Trek VI.

Scene 21

Cut to the Enterprise bridge.

CHEKOV: Enemy ship destroyed, Keptin.

Cut to KIRK.

KIRK (smiling): Good job.

Scene 22

Cut to a shot of the Enterprise cruising.

KIRK (voice-over): Captain Log, Stardate 3861.2. The Klingon ship has been destroyed and Clarence has been returned to Neville. We are on course for Starbase 3.

Cut to the bridge. SPOCK and McCOY are arguing. Move to them.

McCOY: I still say that that was no 'possum. It was an armadillo.

SPOCK: It was not.

McCOY: Prove it.

SPOCK (whipping out Peabody): This is an armadillo, Doctor.

McCOY snatches Peabody and inspects him.

McCOY (suspiciously): Are you sure?

SPOCK looks at him.

McCOY (surrenders): So this is an armadillo. Huh. (to UHURA) Take a look at this.

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