Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the fight of two centuries where the casts of Les Misérables will decide once and for all who's top dog! In this corner we have the cast of characters from the 1998 movie, and here in the opposite corner we have the characters from the musical. Now all we ask is a good clean fight, and may the best man, er men, er men and women win!
FANTINE vs. FANTINE
ENJOLRAS vs. ENJOLRAS
JAVERT vs. JAVERT
MARIUS vs. MARIUS
EPONINE vs. EPONINE
COSETTE vs. COSETTE
JEAN VALJEAN vs. JEAN VALJEAN
And that'll wrap it up for this round and for the match and, after the tally we have a clean sweep-the win goes to the musical squad. Thanks for watching, folks!
Well, the '98 Fantine is coming out strong, coughing blood on the musical Fantine and that's going to make a mess of her dress when she goes to sing "I Dreamed A Dream." But she's fighting back, she's noticing that it's only fake blood, and she's getting ready to sing "Come to Me." Meanwhile the '98 Fantine is looking consumptive and dirty and she's closing with the musical Fantine who has just belted out "where all the children play," and oh, that's floored the '98 Fantine. Yes, when you've got those piercing high notes to deliver it's hard not to come out on top.
The musical Enjolras is coming out looking strong with a feint and then a quick uppercut, but there's no one there for him to fight! In the other corner, the characters are arguing about which one of them is Enjolras and it doesn't look like they've been able to come to a conclusion so it looks like--yes!--Captain Beauvis is coming out to fight instead. But what's this? Beauvis is turning his back to Enjolras, taking off is hat, handing him a pistol and--I've never seen this before!--telling Enjolras that he's better hit him hard enough to leave a lump! Unheard of! Amazing! Enjolras is confused, but he's game and, oh that looked like it hurt! The match goes to Enjolras.
This should be an interesting match: the musical Javert looks to have the height advantage, but the '98 Javert does have that hat, which seems to be confusing the musical Javert, and he's taking this opportunity to slap the musical Javert! Ouch, he's really got that slapping technique down, been practicing on Fantine, so I'm told. But, what's this? Oh, the '98 Javert never had a nightstick, and that looks like it's going to be the oversight that will cost--yes, now it has cost--the '98 Javert the match. I got a headache just watching that.
Well, both of these young men seem insipid and dull at first but they seem to be warming up and, yes, it looks like the '98 Marius is giving a speech about the Republic! This could be bad for him because it's distracting him, and now the musical Marius, who lets his Enjolras do the speech-giving, is closing in and he's caught the '98 Marius from behind! There's the knockout punch, and that's the match.
We've had to cancel this scheduled match because we couldn't find the '98 Eponine and the Javert's informer from the '98 version doesn't want to fight in her place because he has a cold, so the match is forfeited, the W goes to the musical gang.
GAVROCHE vs. GAVROCHE
You never know what you're going to get when it comes to child actors, but we've got two spunky lads here tonight ready to go at it. And there they go! It looks like they're both coming out swinging their bullet bags and hurling clever insults. Some of these are real zingers, let me tell you. Oh, that's something: they've knocked each other out, and since the referee has ruled the musical Gavroche was the last to hit the deck, we'll give him the win, but a great effort on both their parts.
You might think that '98 Cosette would have the advantage, with her ability to make those scary faces at will, but early in this fight it looks like the musical Cosette has the upper hand because the '98 Cosette is having a hard time seeing her opponent through her copious tears. And, uh-oh, it looks like the Valjeans have noticed their Cosettes are in trouble and we'll have to cut this match off short and move on to...
And here come the stars, the silver boys themselves, and they get right down to business. The musical Valjean is trying to placate the '98 Valjean, but he's not getting anywhere, and, in an unexpected move, he's given up on pacifism, and now are they ever going at it, folks! The '98 Valjean is trying to maneuver himself so he can slam the musical Valjean into the wall, a strategy that worked well against his Javert, but the musical Valjean's onto him now. A right! A left! And the musical Valjean's ducked past him and he's made it to a chair, which he has picked up and now he's knocked the '98 Valjean out cold! If the '98 Valjean had talked strategy over with the musical Javert, perhaps he would have caught onto the chair gambit sooner.