"You at the barricades listen to this.... Give up your guns or we shall taunt you a second time!"

"I only sold that man a dead parrot for money to feed my sister's starving child-don't send me to the galleys!"

"Well, old man, we'll let you join us on this barricade if you bring us...a shrubbery!" (Time passes.) "It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. Now there is one more task you must perform in order to gain our trust: you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest wiiiith...a herring!"

"...and before working for a year as a guard a Toulon, I was the head of the Ministry of Silly Walks."

"I don't want to be a revolutionary leader.... I want to be a lumberjack!"

Fantine won't die: "Don't go yet, Monsieur le Mayor, I'm getting better!" "No you're not. You're dying." "I think I'll pull through. I think I'll go for a walk.... I feel happy, I feel..." "Um, this is going to be a problem..." (Javert whacks Fantine on the head with his truncheon.) "Thanks." "Any time."

Eponine won't die: "She is the first of us to fall, the first of us to fall upon this-" "Wait! I'm not dead!" "Oh yes you are!" "No I'm not! I'm getting better!" (Enjolras whacks Eponine on the head with his carbine.) "...barricade...."

"A heart full of love--" "None of that, we'll have none of that singing around here." "Aw, but I like to sing...."

"How right you should kill with a pointed stick!"

"My name is Jean Valjean, but it's pronounced Raymond Luxury Yacht." "And I'm Javert, but it's pronounced Throat Wobbler Mangrove." (Or: "It's you Javert! I knew you wouldn't wait too long--" "No, no. It's spelled Javert, but it's pronounced Throat Wobbler Mangrove.")

Fantine is harassed by Bamatabois: "Help, help, I'm being oppressed! You saw it, didn't you? You saw him oppressing me!" "Bloody whore!" "Oh, what a giveaway!"

"The escaped convict could be in any of three places: behind the tree, behind the hedge or in the rain barrel. We, however, happen to know that he's behind the hedge." (The hedge explodes in flame.)

The National Guard makes its first attack on the barricade. Enjolras panics. "Run away! Run away! Run away!"

"Take this man, bring him through, there is work we have to do." "Aw, you're no fun anymore."

After the final battle at the barricade a man pushing a wheelbarrow enters: "Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"

The students' rebellion is successful...with a little help from the Holy Hand Grenade.

Valjean emerges from the sewer, carrying the wounded Marius. "Ah-ha! Nobody expects the Suerte! Our chief weapon is surprise--surprise and an obsessive adherence to the law--our two main weapons are surprise and an obsessive adherence to the law and these nifty standard issue truncheons--damn!"

Javert's new preface to all his interjections: "What's all this, then?"

"Here at the Sergeant of Waterloo Inn we serve egg and Spam; egg, bacon and Spam; egg, bacon, sausage and Spam; Spam bacon sausage and Spam; and Spam, Spam, bacon, egg, baked beans and Spam!"

Valjean's psyche is tortured by the nineteen years he spent in Toulon, chained and bound...in the Comfy Chair.

While expiring in Marius's arms, Eponine treats the students to her rendition of "Always Look on the Bright Side of Death."

Javert changes his name to "Spiny Norman" and instead of hunting Jean Valjean, he roams France looking for someone named 'Dinsdale.'"

During the second act in a bizarre plot twist it is revealed that Fantine wasn't actually dead, but resting!

Javert is sidetracked from his relentless pursuit of Jean Valjean when he must rebut accusations that the police force is using magic.

The National Guard attacks the barricade, this time using their new secret weapon: The World's Deadliest Joke.

The song "Never be Rude to an Arab" is replaced by "Never be Rude to a Gypsy."

During the trial of Champmathieu, Jean Valjean and the rest of the court no longer communicate via the spoken word; instead they must use charades.

"Whaddyawant?" "I'd like to give this report to the Prefect." "Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Shut your festering gob, you vacuous snuffy-nosed excuse for a police officer!" "Yes, but I'm here to drop off a report." "Oh! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse. You want reports, A12, next door." [Or, better, Marius trying to report the Thenardiers' suspicious activity to the police: "Whaddyawant?" "I'd like to report suspicious activity to the Prefect." "Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Shut your festering gob, you vacuous dreamy-headed excuse for a citizen!" "Yes, but I'm here to report an imminent crime." "Oh! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse. You want reports, A12, next door."]

While making a party political broadcast, Enjolras falls through the crust of the Earth. Fortunately, however, he falls on a ledge and is able to continue his stirring speech.

"Hello again and welcome to Famous Death, where tonight we continue to look at famous death. We'll start out with the wonderful death of Javert, Inspector First Class. Take it away, Inspector." (Javert is standing on a bridge. He looks stricken, grabs at his throat, tosses himself over the side and falls to the accompaniment of a high-pitched yell.) "Wasn't that lovely folks? Let's see what the judges thought." (Javert's scores are shown. Then scores for the deaths of all the characters are shown.) "There you see Javert in the lead--once again let me remind you that these are the average of the scores from the novel and the book--followed closely by Eponine and Enjolras, a grand death that, then comes Gavroche, grand little chap, the lovely Fantine, Jean Valjean, and then..."

Valjean flees through the streets of Paris: "Who approacheth the Pont d'Austerlitz must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see." "What... is your name?" "Er, Fauchelevant." "What...is your quest?" "To help this little girl." "What...is your favorite color?" "Blue." "Right. Off you go!"

"Inspector Javert, I'd like to report that a prostitute just attacked me in the park." "What's that?" "I'd like to report that a prostitute just attacked me in the park." "I'm afraid you'll have to speak in a higher register." "What? Er. Well... (in a high, screechy voice) I'd like to report..."

"The only thing worse than not catching Jean Valjean is catching Jean Valjean."