A much-abbreviated pillaging of Andrew Lloyd Webber's
Jesus Christ Superstar
Set immediately following the end of Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince. Written August 2005.
(A Scottish landscape. The Knight bus pulls up. All characters involved disembark and use magic to create a stage on the rocky moor. Everyone but Harry leaves as the song begins. As Harry addresses them, the characters reappear.)
"Horcrux on Their
Minds" ("Heaven on Their Minds")
HARRY:
My mind is clearer now, at last all too well
I can see where I must soon will
be.
If your take away Dumbledore from the school
You will see where we all soon will be.
Dumbledore! You really did believe
The things that Snape told
you,
You really do believe
His talk of trust was true!
But all the good you've done
Will not be swept away,
I will not forget the
Things I heard you say.
Listen Snape I don't like what I see,
All I ask is that you keep clear of me.
And remember--I know who you've been working for all
along.
Dumbledore still won't be gone
If loyalty continues on--
You think your side's won, but you'll find you're
wrong.
I remember when we met in first year,
You talked of James and you banked on our fear,
And yeah, I've heard, your help was the reason that
I've stayed alive--
But everything that's gone before,
Won't make up for Dumbledore,
And we'll hurt you 'cause we know you've lied.
Voldemort
your evil plan is not so secret anymore,
Dumbledore has found your clues--I'll see that you
loose.
Horcruxes
are no longer safe--it's a truth I have faced
I have vowed to find them all, and see that you
fall.
(To
Ron and Hermionie.)
Listen friends we are now in a race,
We must find where the horcruxes
are placed.
There's a war outside--have you forgotten that we
can't move slow?
I am frightened by this too,
But it's something we must do.
We must remember there are four to go.
Listen Severus to the
warning I give,
If you get in my way then I won't let you live,
I was on the Tower, I saw
what you did and what he asked.
Now I know that you're not true,
And I know what I must do.
Dumbledore is dead but I know my task,
Yes, I'm still his man.
(Flashback.)
VOLDEMORT and DUMBLEDORE (repeat):
What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening?
SNAPE (to Dumbledore):
I'll tell you what I know.
Voldemort's
obsessed with fighting deaths and fates he can can't
defy.
If you knew the plan he's hiding, you wouldn't tell
Hogwarts good-bye.
VOLDEMORT and DUMBLEDORE (repeat):
What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening?
SNAPE (to Voldemort):
I'll tell you what I know.
Dumbledore is getting weaker and I think he can't
last long,
The future of the Order's looking bleaker, as you
know I'm never wrong.
VOLDEMORT and DUMBLEDORE (repeat):
What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening?
(Ghost Lily appears and offers some shampoo, singing over Voldemort and Dumbledore.)
GHOST LILY (repeat):
You should try to clean up your hair a bit.
SNAPE:
Lily, ooh, that is good.
(to Dumbledore and Voldemort)
While you clutter up my dungeon--where and when and
who and how,
She alone will give my hair what it needs right here
and now.
GHOST LILY (spoken, cutting the music short):
This is too weird, Snivelly.
I'm glad I went with James.
(Another flashback. Hogwarts, mid-70s, in the Slytherin common room.)
LUCIUS MALFOY and SLYTHERIN STUDENTS:
It seems to us a strange thing, mystifying
That our Slyth'rin peer would waste his time
On mudbloods of her
kind.
LUCIUS MALFOY:
Yes I can understand that she likes Potions,
But she likes James, yes she likes James, and that
just isn't fine.
And you know that I object to her relations
She doesn't fit in well with Salazar's ideals,
You will have to pick and choose your friends
If you want to earn our trust and our respect--
SNAPE (speaking):
Whoops. You're right.
(walks away by himself)
I tell ya, I get no
respect.
(Three or four years pass in a blink.)
"If You Will Serve Me" ("Everything's
All Right")
VOLDEMORT:
Try not to get jealous, try not to get flustered
Mudbloods
will upset you, oh, don't you know
If you will serve me, yes if you will serve me
Then you'll get what you want all right,
You can bet you'll get what you want all right.
I'm your guy, if you try, you will get what you want
all right.
(All exit but Snape.)
"Snape Spies
Lots" ("Simon Zealotes")
SNAPE:
Gosh I know I love me,
I know that I'm smart.
I think I can play both sides,
I've secrets to impart.
Gosh I know I love me,
I know that I'm smart.
I think I can play both sides,
And still hide my heart.
VOLDEMORT:
Sev'rus you are with me,
Please spy, please spy Sev'rus.
DUMBLEDORE:
Sev'rus I am on your side,
Please spy, please spy Sev'rus.
SNAPE:
So what more do I need to convince me
That I've made it and that I can be a spy.
With my skill at potions, spells, and mind games,
I'll get away with murder and conceal my lies.
Gosh I know I love me,
I know that I'm smart.
I think I can play both sides,
I've secrets to impart.
Gosh I know I love me,
I know that I'm smart.
I think I can play both sides,
And still hide my heart.
There is endless opportunity
For a man who plays it cool.
Always pass on information
And follow both my master's rules.
Make them believe my devotion
But never do what they expect.
I will rise to a greater status,
I will get me some respect!
I'll get the power and the glory
For ever and ever and ever,
For ever and--
(A brief but violent scuffle, as Voldemort does not like this sentiment. Order is restored by--who else?--Dumbledore. Harry and Bellatrix enter, deep in thought.)
"This Sev'rus Must Die"
("This Jesus Must Die")
BELLATRIX:
What then to do with this Sev'rus
of Hogwarts?
Superspy, agent--betrayer of fools?
HARRY:
No remorse, no mercy,
No warning or wav'ring,
One thing I'll say for him,
Ol' Snape
is cool.
(Death Eaters enter. Bella addresses them.)
BELLATRIX:
We dare not leave him to his own devices.
HARRY:
His spying has already taken its toll.
BELLATRIX:
But how can I stop him? Voldemort
trusts him,
Even Narcissa says he tops
the polls.
(Order members enter. Harry addresses them.)
HARRY:
I saw the Dark Mark at Hogwarts--Dumbledore trapped,
and spells that are banned.
Snape caused blood and
destruction, the elimination of an hon'rable
man--
The elimination of an hon'rable man.
ORDER MEMBERS:
An hon-- an hon-- an hon'rable
man.
HARRY:
The elimination of an hon'rable man.
ORDER MEMBERS:
An hon-- an hon-- an hon'rable,
hon'rable, hon'rable man.
BELLATRIX:
So what to do with this wizard stool pigeon?
HARRY:
How can I deal with the back-stabbing prof?
BELLATRIX:
How can I deal with a greaseball
this cagey
Without showing my hand or tipping him off?
HARRY:
Hey! I think I've a solution!
The stakes he plays for have gotten too high.
We can't let him help Death Eaters--
HARRY and ORDER MEMBERS:
So like Albus before him,
this Sev'rus must die,
BELLATRIX:
For Voldemort's sake, this
Sev'rus must die.
BELLATRIX, HARRY, and ORDER MEMBERS:
Must die, must die, this Sev'rus
must die.
HARRY and BELLATRIX:
So like Albus before him,
this Sev'rus must die,/For Voldemort's sake, this Sev'rus
must die.
BELLATRIX, HARRY, and ORDER MEMBERS:
Must die, must die, this Sev'rus
must, Sev'rus must, Sev'rus
must die!
(Harry and Bellatrix exit. Dumbledore enters.)
"Poor
Hogwarts" ("Poor Jerusualem")
DUMBLEDORE:
Neither you Draco, nor Voldemort,
Nor the Death Eaters, nor Lucius,
nor the Order,
Nor poor Hogwarts wizards' school itself,
Understand what horcruxes
are,
Understand what Tom has done,
Understand at all...understand at all.
If you knew all that I knew, my poor Hogwarts
You'd see the truth but you'd close your eyes,
But you'd close your eyes.
While I live my troubles are many, poor Hogwarts,
To conquer death you only have to die,
You only have to die.
(He exits. Trelawny enters.)
"Trelawny's
Dream" ("Pilate's Dream")
TRELAWNY:
I dreamed I saw a prophecy,
The kind I rarely see.
It had that haunting, frightening feel,
Almost like it was real.
I asked Albus to say
what'd happened,
What on earth I'd said.
I asked again--he never said a word,
As if he hadn't heard.
And next the door was opened by a wild and greasy
man
Albus seemed to know
this man--he turned to go and then
I passed out again.
Next I saw the man at Hogwarts,
Teaching Potions class.
And later we were mentioning his name
And leaving him the blame.
(Trelawny wanders off. Others enter.)
"Help, Snape"
("The
DUMBLEDORE, VOLDEMORT, ORDER MEMBERS, and DEATH
EATERS:
Help me out for my cause is just,
Please help me and I'll show you trust.
You know the cost if our side fails,
Your help now will tip the scales.
Help me out for my cause is just,
Please help me and I'll show you trust.
You know the cost if our side fails,
Your help now will tip the scales
I will need a decision quick.
Come and spy and I'll help you out,
This is your chance to make it big,
Don't give me that sneery
pout.
(repeat over Snape)
SNAPE:
There's too many of you--one at a time.
Don't speak in unison--make an appointment
In my dungeon!
(They disperse then re-enter singly throughout the next song.)
DUMBLEDORE:
I don't know how to love him,
How precisely I can reach him.
He's been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few years, when he's talked to me
He seemed really sorry.
SNAPE:
I don't know how to take this,
I don't see why he trusts me.
I've told lies, so many lies
And I've hurt so many wizards before,
He must have had a way to know
How to be sure.
NARCISSA:
Should I grab his robe, should I cry and flail,
All to save my son, let it
out and wail?
I never thought it'd come to this--Lucius stuck in jail.
GHOST LILY:
Don't you think it's rather funny
Snape should be in this
position?
He's the one who's always been
So cold, so cool, no kindly fool
Hexing everyone--
He thinks it's fun.
ALL but SNAPE:
I never thought it'd come to this--what's Snape playing at?
I'm not sure if he loves me,
If he cares or is on my side.
What does he think? What does he feel?
I have to learn, must find a way,
I really need to know--
He scares me so.
I have to know.
I love him so.
(Everyone exits. Draco sneaks on, followed by Snape.)
"Snape and
Draco" ("The Arrest")
SNAPE (spoken): There you are! What are you doing,
you fool?
DRACO (spoken): Professor, must you bother me like
this?
SNAPE:
What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening.
What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening.
Hang on Draco, I'm going to
fight for you.
Hang on Draco, I told your mother--
DRACO:
Go away, I am fine.
Don't you know that this is my job?
I'm a big boy, I can get it done.
Why are you obsessed with helping?
Stick to Potions from now on.
(Draco leaves in a huff. Voldemort enters.)
"Lord Voldemort's
Song" ("King of the News")
VOLDEMORT:
Severus, I am overjoyed to meet you face to face,
You've been getting quite a name all around the
place.
Hiding out at Hogwarts for so many years,
Now you say that you're my narc,
at least that's what I hear.
So you are a spy, you're a great double-spy
Prove to me that you're in line--kill Dumbledore,
we'll be fine.
That's all you need do
To prove that you're true--
C'mon, king of the news.
Snape you just won't
believe the hit you've made around here,
You are all we talk about, Death Eater of the year.
Oh, what a pity if it's all a lie
Still I'm sure you can serve the Dark Lord if you
try.
So if you are so true, yes so wonderfully true
Prove to me that you're my man--tell me all the
Orders' plans
If you do that for me
Then I'll let you go free--
C'mon, king of the news.
I only ask what I'd ask any superspy
What will Dumbledore do next and when and how and
why?
I am waiting, yes I'm a
captive fan,
I'm dying to be shown that you are not just any man.
So if you are a spy, yes a great double-spy
Demonstrate that you're no snitch--gimme the dope without a twitch.
If I find that you can't
Then you're not my plant.
C'mon, king of the news!
(Voldemort Disapparates.
Suddenly, Snape is on the astronomy tower. Dumbledore
enters.)
DUMBLEDORE (sort of
spoken): I only want to say, if there is a way--
(Snape zaps him dead and Dumbledore’s body disappears. Lupin and the others enter as they appear in the next song. Snape is stuck in the middle.)
LUPIN:
Every time I look at you I don't understand,
How it was you did so much and still hid your hand.
You'd have come off better if you'd told your plan,
HARRY:
Why'd you kill my mentor with the black withered
hand?
VOLDEMORT:
If you weren't so greasy I wouldn't have these
reservations
LUPIN:
Now the Order just can't trust your communications.
LUPIN and VOLDEMORT:
Don't you get me wrong--
ORDER MEMBERS and DEATH EATERS:
Don't you get me wrong--
LUPIN and VOLDEMORT:
I only want to know.
ORDER MEMBERS and DEATH EATERS:
Only want to know.
ALL:
Sev'rus Snape, Sev'rus Snape,
Who are you, who should we really hate?
Sev'rus Snape, Superstar
Do you think you're what they say you are?
VOLDEMORT:
Tell me what you think about your friends at Hogwarts,
Who'd you think besides yourself is worth a report?
Hagrid is he just a nut,
could he find my lair?
Could Minerva stand up to me or is that just hot
air?
LUPIN:
Did you mean to kill like that, was that a mistake
or
Did you know that Albus'
death would be a cover-breaker?
LUPIN and VOLDEMORT:
Don't you get me wrong--
ORDER MEMBERS and DEATH EATERS:
Don't you get me wrong--
LUPIN and VOLDEMORT:
I only want to know.
ORDER MEMBERS and DEATH EATERS:
Only want to know.
ALL:
Sev'rus Snape, Sev'rus Snape,
Who are you, why are you so irate?
Sev'rus Snape, Superstar
Do you think you're what they say you are?
Sev'rus Snape, Sev'rus Snape,
Who are you, who should we really hate?
Sev'rus Snape, Superstar
Do you think you're what they say you are?
(Repeat chorus as the Knight bus pulls up. Fade as, still
singing, all board it and it drives away erratically.)